nowthenafter

dinkar was my colleague for one year at asci. when asci was breaking up after dr banerji, he wished i join him at new venture at patna an it service company. he promised me accomodation and food. i did not go. i had my dreams. i was fond of dinkar. he did some ms from us. his reason for ms was his inferiority complex - his wife was phd in zoology from ranchi. he was always bubbling loud with enthusiasm. he was very interested in quizzing and drinking.  he used to look forward to drinking at his home. he had a collection of records of folk music from caribbean island that he would play loud and sing loud. but his aim was to get knocked out at the end of the drinking session. the last episode. his wife would be silently watching his progress. after he gets knocked out, it is her responsibility to drag him to bed. nizwar another colleague of mine preferred to call him drinker. i used to live very far away from him in a hilltop stone cottage. on weekends he would travel  about ...

i lost touch with matthew 4 decades ago. several years back i talked with him over phone. he told me his interest is no longer computer or machine intelligence. he is spiritual and a farmer in kerala. his family consisting of beautiful bengali whom met only once on their marriage. they have son. i am told they have very beautiful residence surrounded by flowers and plants. those who do not know matthew - he was the most brilliant programmer i met in my life. he is from a family from kerala who are for many centuries catholic priest. uzhrnille. him too started for priesthood but got disillusioned after a decade of pursuit and returned back to tradition school. he was national talent search scholar, physics major, and finally graduated from ISI. among other thing he wrote two compilers - cobol and basic. the cobol compiler was the finest ever produced in India. he also did all the documentations for org system. when i knew him in baroda his focus of study were machine intelligence g...

asymptotes ~ they come very near but never meet what holds them back their independent existence parallels ~ they never meet however long is their association or memory tangents ~ they meet only once do they remember ashoka chakra has 24 rays - asymptotes i fancy to name them as limits of an individual's inferiority incurable insane insensible idiot unfortunate hopeless life less ........... all the asymptotes are suppose to converge and meet at a point absolute their object of love absent or has no appearance before or after individual's appearance real as reality is origin is destination source of all my dreams is essence

in my first year of statistics i was taught by one ms mcclain who was in her early twenty teaching us english language - no literature no grammar but the language spoken in england she used to read a book to us - lie damn lie and statistics we teenagers were all in love with this lady and we did not have any girl in our class we only looked at her with loving eyes in our native language and not interested in language of english spoken by a young english girl from scotland i met statistics in many places in the world afterwards during my advanced studies my h-o-d put me in touch with one taresh maitra who was seeking to do his phd in econometrics from a survey data i did data cleansing and tabulation for him but i did not like doing the same i joined org there were people doing survey and publishing their analysis i was one statistician programmer i was doing a job then and meeting their expectations i was engaged about two years doing some statistics that i enjoyed it ...

trembling i am looking at the blueprint of my home it is unfolding around me like a lotus opening up and i am butterfly in it my home is my dream come true my home is unique and made for me my home is new real and now with palanquin of past and ceiling of future my home have no door no windows no wall no escape my home has every thing i can imagine  and i have no need for imagination my home has love unlimited my home has no flies no mosquitoes no worry my home has all my people as they wish to be and all my places i am home always and i cannot leave i have no need no numbers no language

while i am afraid of snake and their unpredictability but those make living from them must not be the poison from snake some organic oil has medicinal value as much its ability to stop heart from beating snake charmers love snake snake farmers love snakes zoo keepers love snakes physicians are not at all afraid of drug and they know how to enjoy their applications one very close companion of me often used to say joy from addiction is not false he would often come to my place traveling long distance he would show me that mosquito fall off from his skin drugged they are often heavy smoker drinker consumer of many drugs .... one known to me was unable to be very mobile because his bones just crumbled and could not get up he went through a surgery of removal of bone pieces and replaced with steel ball and roads i do not like to joys from addiction or habits my preference of rice and boiled egg and vegetable i avoid today since they make me sick that otherwise can avoid h...

with my recent interest in tibet i have come across swami pranavananda. there appears to be to be two - one who extensively traveled in himalayas and the other who established bharat seba sangha. second one is a bengali dedicated his life to serve indian subcontinent, died at the age of 45 in 1941. first one wrote and mapped the region known as tibet the origin of river indus sutlej brahmaputra ganga. he also established all notable landmarks and distances and centuries old population who are scattered. he went to this region including kailash and manasarovar about 6 times or more and spent about dozen years. the first book he wrote in 1938. Om pilgrim's route to kailash etc. was very referred by all western travelers interested in tibet. i have access to this book but i am debating buying it since it is written in sanskrit - i am not very sure. may be maps are. there is a later book published in english in 1949. it has a forward by Pandit Nehru. He said there, as a yo...

having no appearance is most durable image of all if i can maintain that is - i go anywhere anyplace and move around and i do not expect to be seen i need no permission frankly why should i need permission i do not presume any identity and carry no identity in other words - i can not ask in this case that i have no appearance whatever i hear see read and sense it is not directed to me it must not be it is mistaken perception - wrong perception of mine - when i am not there how can i be handcuffed starved or physically tormented it must be mistake of somebody else and not me i cannot correct anybody's perception of me i have no option but not recognize since it is not meant for me if some one says that i love you looking at me or my direction i must at all enquire - did you ever seen before - if not how do you know it is me - as of now i have no appearance having no appearance as good as any appearance as per the whims of the noticer perceiver i am mad child inno...

the straws i was made to gather are very fragile and it is impossible to make any permanent structure that would last a season. I have to keep doing thatching my roof day in day out all my life and i am doing the same. why? today i know they are baseless assumptions or intuitions. they are false as false as false can be. i-thought-so i-believe-i-saw-that-myself ... i know all is wrong deeds. it is impossible a create any shelter even for a moment to live under the sky in my world. illusion yet i do this day after day even after i know even though i know it is unbearable to lose roof thatched by me or to live in the house where water is flowing above my head and i am sitting on a haystack. i must quit living on dream. however it is right to live on dream knowing that it is all dream. it is right for me. yes there is one and only reason ~ i cannot disobey. who? creator of my dreams. botany bay was the name he gave to his plane. he flew the same to hiroshima to d...

this days i avoid going to temple or attend any puja but once upon a time this was my regular daily activity when i was in delhi i was next door to aurobindo ashram and in the evenings i would venture within i used to also go to chhatarpur durga mandir and other places when i was in noida i used to go to one temple near by i went to vaishno devi with my family it was very hazardous i also used to look at any elderly lady as if my mother mrs fateh singh was my next door neighbor i once took her to noida temple she could not find her slipper when returning she made it point to make a show to point out security lapse of the temple she headed for the room where temple head was resident without a word that person took out a 100 note a gave it to his subordinate and asked him to accompany her and buy her a sandle of her choice she instantly became so apologetic 'in the temple we come to donate and ask for blessing and now how can i take donation from temple and what bless...

is it very important who wrote? who really invented english alphabet? words? sentences? speaking first? second writing? so that today we can write ideas read ideas and create that does what it is intended to accomplish. i am often amazed at my creation many of my creation is not all so simple like writing a blog such as this and i am amazed at my creation somebody really used a crude tool like me i know i cannot even thread a needle i am writing a self driven car program i make a shape of the car in a miniature and i place the sensors in it ~ together they can locate an object and determine its distance and it knows cars  relative speed and direction and predict possibility of collision  with the object ~ car sensors calculates possibilities of all objects surrounding it and avoid them unless discovered very close and then perhaps hopelessly wait for collision screeching to a halt how to escape collision? is there an escape or road space? this all about...

my meditation till now i am looping adapting and assuming  i write them here for me to read them again and again and again everytime i read i am little fresher as i am after a bath have i reached the union of me and my world ~ i know they are indivisible one what i assume i always see and i do not like to assume ~ too much of efforts https://nownthenafter.blogspot.com/ https://arthateswar.blogspot.com/ https://americaisnowmyhome.blogspot.com/ https://neiami.blogspot.com/ https://brighthumor.blogspot.com/ https://im0me.blogspot.com/ https://chhorda.blogspot.com/ https://nischinto.blogspot.com/ https://oncegod.blogspot.com/ https://kankanroy.blogspot.com/ https://kankanplanet.blogspot.com/ https://oncedevil.blogspot.com/ https://uttar-agyan.blogspot.com/ https://withoout.blogspot.com/ https://tapanroychowdhury.blogspot.com/ https://shokparva.blogspot.com/ I have thought and thought and written them down without evaluating their values. they were my valuable t...

i have to assume: currency publisher for a nation is by a central bank central bank knows how much money is in circulation central bank preferentially provides any fresh money published to national banks as per their demand at prevalent interest rate fixed at that time  national banks invests the same without much oversight except the terms established that is not against interest of of national government such as transaction with banned country or organization individuals and or group is not restricted to accumulate - unlimited individuals and groups are not monitored for insolvency  no practice or any ism practiced by nation can ever fail unless the currency established by the same is useless means for transaction within and outside country. this happens when debt of the country and gross domestic product plus perceived asset or solvency are mismatch or unbalanced. it is not sufficient to meet individual citizen demands for food health security and life expectancy...

what is that indivisible? empty space or me what is divisible? any set or space or my perception what is education? the art or science of uniting two what survives death? dreamer and broken dreams why dreams always break? false - imagination - entirely baseless assumption of mine none is good and none is evil ever all is useless once only phenomena with zero duration ~ reflection that is never repeated truth is union of all events ~ me truth is intersection of any two or more event ~ me false is every event or every collection of event ~ my perception i am none of the above and also all the above ~ i am forever limited by me where is memory when one is dead? brain is logical and two operations are induction or deduction based on hypothesis however hypothesis is forever false ~ use of brain is useless exercise why i cannot expect given all knowledge and history? it is impossible to know from any amount of imagination except that it is possible to know this ...

all my attempts to recover my innocence is not so futile i have some knowledge even though superficial what is the value of knowledge in my life at times i am in the residence of divine home that otherwise is missing i remember frequently traveling home to my mother when i was working in baroda i would go and buy some book and read without any disturbance from anyone and do not have to go anywhere they are unforgettable memories of living in heaven i started my life with stories of dhruva a deprived child from the love of his father banished in the forest because of perceived competition from a step brother for father's affection his mother told him about faith in creator that alone can make possible to regain his father's affection ~ creator of his world he sought out in the darkness of night for the creator with his innocence it did not take long time one night was enough to sit on the lap of his creator i was to become believer of my creator by my influence of...

I am forever disillusioned about me and world my suffering do not have end they are my ties to my world my ties that must be cut with the sword of intellect in one single stroke my body my relations my possessions my honor my cravings my future my shackles have imprisoned me and only way i can free myself is to be reduced to nothing i am absent no matter what i am silent no matter what no recognition no matter what i do not recognize ~ i do not expect ~ i do not learn ~ i do not know

for a few days i could not remember him instead i remembered all his family he was my friend in noida from 1989 till 2000 i left noida forever he was my constant companion he was my man friday for every need and i never saw even a glimpse of annoyance in eleven long years ~ he was forever respectful to me he saw me in my dark days of poverty unemployment pestered by my employer and tried to help me in every way a person i could count on always he needed no assumption but always present i remember making a trip in my repaired car that could not even make a mile ~ it took midnight to reach home about 6 hours to make 20 minutes trip he is always a perfect friend ~ the most gentleman i had ever known

after my parents death it was duty of my eldest brother to perform the rites for the departed the most intriguing rite was that my eldest brother would not eat till the food prepared for dearted is eaten by the departed he would prepare a plate of food perhaps most enjoyed by the departed parent and take the same to the roof top and call out for the departed it would take hours perhaps for my father his favorites were cigarette and tea and fries rice dal fish we would wait for the report of his eating before we ate our own meal once a day i went to the roof once to see what was happening in the bush among the leaf a particularly dark crow larger than common crow was hiding my brother was calling out for him ~ the cigarette was lit tea was given and he stepped away to little distance ~ cigarette was knocked away first and then tea and he touched other food material does departed soul goes little away into dressing room and takes up the cloak  for fresh crow and fl...

পদার্থ matter is entirely my composition and being so, all the destructive matter like bow and arrow gun and cannon bomb and dynamites are meant to hurt me and me alone am i writing this for me or somebody else certainly for everybody including those who have not ever gone to any place that i have visited in my life or books have read and would not understand what i am saying i am hyper hyper sensitive all is meant for me exclusively i alone am responsible for creating such atmosphere me of course how could any know but me about the palace i am constructing to inhabit that i call my world talking about matter i am talking about money since money matters to me it helps me to carry a plastic that i can use in any place to feed myself treat myself and shelter myself against all the enemies i have created myself in my world and avail myself best of comforts from inhabitants of my world money matters now i am worried i must be accumulating the same but on the other ha...

i lived without food for about 10 days i was not in a position to move out in the world and i did not my neighbor gave me some electoral my sister fetched me out and gave me food and care it is unpayable debt i have towards my sister i am of no use to her when she is living alone in delhi self is all it is not by assumption but i have failed to extricate any from me i may not expect but things arrive from unknown source and gets me food water shelter bed and warmth self is none simile is not right it is the lamp that reveal my world how long i do not know several times in a day my world disappear how to prove self sufficiency to none else but me proof is in my seeing my absence and my hearing of my silence ~ withdrawn now i am waiting yes waiting for ever yes i have to wait till i am with pure self and self only and nothing else .... i must see him always i must feel him always i must hear him always .... always deleting and forgetting me from my world for eve...

all may belies but i do not enjoy lies. i can't even see films with violence or struggle for living. the echo remain with days and nights. the age is definitely a factor. i am not even fit to travel to any work location even in columbus. i need 100 to go to office. even when remote i can not bring myself to do 75. i do not know but i am open to cincinnati at 110. i am not fit to be involved with my people living in the same house. they are too much of bad dream. it is very difficult to live with philosophy. all is lies. but living is not easy with lies when lies are causing burns in my body and i am unable to sleep. they are not lies any more.

i remember him from my early teen. we used to play cricket in a small piece of land. he was very athletic and had tremendous speed in his ball. any cricket match he was the killer. he was very accurate bowler. we used to play with tennis ball. i was not much of a player. i used to keep wicket. santosh da excelled in many other activities. he used to play very good mouth organ. once he called us to his place and showed lot of tricks with cards. out of blue he was sent out of school apparently he was caught copying in the final exams. this was phase he stayed at home and did not play with us. he made pitch for bowling and he used to play himself alone. After some time he graduated and went to some technical school. he also got married to a lovely girl of his same age perhaps. but this did not materialize. he got a job as welder somewhere. we got the news he died after falling from a height.

ওই যে ছেলেটা, টিনের একটা তোবড়ানো আর মর্চে পড়া কৌটোয় লাথি মারতে মারতে যে এখন রাস্তা দিয়ে ভ্রুক্ষেপহীন হেঁটে যাচ্ছে, ওকে আমি চিনি। ও আমার অনেক দূরের ছেলেবেলা। ওই যে ছেলেটা, ...

theorems of life i summed up it is not right to remember than i become parrot once covered i must not revisit but i am remembering the belief that after death the departed does revisit one's family in search of familiarities. for 10 or 11 days the eldest do not take food till the food given to the departed soul is eaten by a particularly by a দাঁড়কাক। i was finding me similar to the same. i have removed myself from FB but addicted to isi and revisited that gang when i am particularly not wanted there. i cannot blame me or any. theorem of all theorems in my world: it is impossible for any to exist unless it is presumed and recognized by me. i am independent of my world. i remain uninfluenced by my world. no feelings no expression no longing ~ permitted. i am unexpected ~ always.  container is always while contents are false ~ not even a moment ~ created and destroyed at the same time. given now what is future? can I expect? can i make short time or long term predict...

no noun adjective word or qualification or classification is applicable to me i am not present or not absent i am not dead old alive young or child i am of no age i am of no sex i am not sick healthy intelligent idiot sensitive insensitive .... i am without identity .... i cannot be captured in any media any place i cannot be modeled .... i support all while i am not supported

when all is lies >> what should be my thought about people society country or world and atmosphere what is right and what is wrong what is doing what is progress what is money what is past or future what is present what is memory what is knowledge what is truth? all is lies what is birth what is death what is meaning 

thank you god from the bottom of my heart (empty space) for making my death inevitable. but i have to curse you today for making me suffer till i die i cannot escape living i tried skipping living today the suffering of living monotony and boredom i tried sleeping the whole day but now i am awake cannot sleep and writing i curse you for more reasons than this there was no reason for language even then why did you make me learn and now at this hour of night without sleep i am thinking and writing i beg you for some tool to escape thinking and living my retirement and my incapacity to do thing i enjoyed how do i escape my suffering please at the very least you let the water level rise and drown me it is intolerable to see water standing still under ground and my feet at the very least give me a reason why i have to live i am a mouse caught in the feet waiting death that is forever delayed and no escape from living 

gone were the days when leaves mattered two tiny sprouting out of the seed it was necessary to devote life on them two and the life depend on them i could grow my root and stem and waited for more leaves and more juice to suck from soil now i am many thousands years old my roots have discovered the eternal supply of juice reserve my branches spread all the sky i have uncountable leaves and home for all creatures of the world do i care about one leaf one branch and its survival even if i try and try can i care if the leaf is malnourished and attacked have not my ability of doing has ended and so is my senses can i care who is eating my fruits and gaining weight and how fruits are wasted and who is taking shelter and for what reason ... what is truth and what is false who is truth do i know i knew once but i do not know now ~ i must wait till i don't know before creating again ~ i must leave the tree from my memory ~ i have no alternative to i don't know i c...

i know whatever another thinker is thinking about me is false when i do not exist i know whatever another thinker is thinking about me has some truth in it when i exist

she was barely three years old when i saw her first time. in next three days perhaps i saw her and family three times. she came with her mother sumati and stayed silently with her maid servant for sometime and just being very silent. sumati i met once before. she gave a servant to cook my meals at karoli bag. this time she with her dog too. gangopadhay were very fond of stray dogs who lived with them intimately. i was leaving baroda next day for dinner before i board the train. i was very uncomfortable. i gave lot of books which i did not wish to carry to hyderabad. my memory is all jumbled up.sumati perhaps loved relationship and wish to have with me at least over surface mail. gangopadhay was a curious person born and brought up gujarat. he would participate all 9 nights of navaratri singing garva songs. he was teaching english in msu. he said he had a friend in asci but forget her name now. i met him in hyderabad possibly went to his home too in one diwali night.  again i met t...

i am not even allowed to refer ~ forget about speak think discuss or write i am forbidden by design and order if still do i am risking my sanity ~ only possession in my life and i need nothing as long as i do not say nothing ~ i need nothing not air not water not food not people not sense not world nothing i am taken care forever. yet i am writing and i am risking all this ~ i barely got the permission to say for the love of my world as long as i do not refer or say nothing ~ not even a word not even a sign or sigh i am forbidden by design and order i may open my mouth to speak but nothing will emit no sound air vibration ... i cannot cross my limit ~ i cannot cross my limit ~ i am the mechanical doll shall be without power ~ i am not allowed to lie ...... instead let me tell a story i was going through my sleeping problem - my nights are very disturbed and my feet and my palm burns so much so i cannot read write or do anything i try to pass my time by maki...

once i was told about some memorable secrets that i cannot tell without letting the secret out about very large institutions and their source of fundings. similar to democratic party. recently we see harvard is in the news. one person i knew who was frequent visitor to my place, he had along with teaching assignments, was treasurer of the very largest university in USA. he told me unlike everybody else Indian students pay their tuition dues entire year in advance. he knew this because all cheques came to him for clearance. the same university had ratan tata as board member. money cloud move freely and do not have territorial demarcation. the cheques were not from Indian banks however. there were far too many indians studying in that university. he said his office was next to another skyscraper where these indian students lived. most of the parked cars were mercedez. another person who teaches computer science in the same university told me that no indians in his department includin...

Intelligence – machine or human is extremely limited by nature. We spend life time but … I can talk about myself and must not generalize. I may spend life time till I about without any strength to utter a single syllable, but I am sure I cannot speak anything intelligent. I am thoroughly frustrated about my achievement to be intelligent. Several times I have shown mastery of some subjects relative to my known people but often I have been beaten by my own brother in this game, but I am quite convinced about my superficiality. I am also quite convinced my intelligence for that matter human intelligence is not worth acquiring. It is quite useless pursuit. A dream that never is a reality. Every one of us with senses however limited but enhanced by machine under the open sky observe millions or trillions sense objects. They may all be thought same – say stars. And each of this object are differentiable by properties say thousands of them. This is huge database. Now, our first attempt is c...