চুপ চুপ চুপ

she was barely three years old when i saw her first time. in next three days perhaps i saw her and family three times. she came with her mother sumati and stayed silently with her maid servant for sometime and just being very silent. sumati i met once before. she gave a servant to cook my meals at karoli bag. this time she with her dog too. gangopadhay were very fond of stray dogs who lived with them intimately. i was leaving baroda next day for dinner before i board the train. i was very uncomfortable. i gave lot of books which i did not wish to carry to hyderabad. my memory is all jumbled up.sumati perhaps loved relationship and wish to have with me at least over surface mail. gangopadhay was a curious person born and brought up gujarat. he would participate all 9 nights of navaratri singing garva songs. he was teaching english in msu. he said he had a friend in asci but forget her name now. i met him in hyderabad possibly went to his home too in one diwali night.  again i met this man at hauz khas durga puja. 

while i was dining at gangopadhyay's place this little girl was around me was saying chup chup chup silence silence silence. i thought she was taught this by her grandmother who too was living with her son. about few years back i tried to find out where they are. i came to know this little girl grew up young but died early in the twenty. they have made a public fund and started art museum and library. sumati went to afghanistan to do public work. i came to know recently gangopadhyay too is no more.

during my last dinner at sumati's place pijush da came with his family. i do not know if it just accidental. he wished to be conversational but then i was on a different mood. i did not want meet him.

brain is a beehive where memories are stored and they pop up just like to aid my desirables. chup chup chup is haunting me since i am looking to be silent. she is dead before her time.

living is too strenuous for me - i am not enjoying reading or films. i am not enjoying. i want return home just now immediately. death i knew inevitable long long time. i am realizing now that living too compulsory and unable to avoid. I also realized often why i dream that coming home where my mother and chhorda lived and cannot find the same and there is absolutely no sign that they ever existed. i am lost forever in a new landscape. i can never go back where i belong.

i am searching for home that can never disappear. my birth place - i know nothing - innocence - so much so that i don't even know i am innocent.