until now

my meditation till now i am looping adapting and assuming 
i write them here for me to read them again and again and again
everytime i read i am little fresher as i am after a bath

have i reached the union of me and my world ~ i know they are indivisible one
what i assume i always see and i do not like to assume ~ too much of efforts

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I have thought and thought and written them down without evaluating their values. they were my valuable thoughts at the time of my writing.

now i can surely confess that they did not help me in anyway as a person but kept me alive as me without dependence on another person group money job and saved me from desperation

it is easier for me to be absent and maintain my silence and distance and ignorance
in any gathering or topic ~ i do not have to win or be excellent

writing my thoughts helped me rid them of from expressing myself appearing physically in public.

does it have any value to any reader of mine?

i have had some reader of my thoughts and listener perhaps. they are handful. in the course of time it has come to be one or none.

i write them down here and catalog them in archive.
my public deeds are completed.

i am about to garage my body. many parts of my body are failing. my ability of take strain and hardship is very limited now. i could not deal with my diabetes and have to keep myself from being messy by taking insulin. insulin itself giving me some physical ailments and causing burnings that keep me away from sound sleep.

age is a factor for my ability to work and earn.

i am however supported by almighty

i had many decades old desire to be self sufficient requiring nothing. i aimed at retirement of an eskimo leaving his family alone never return in a boat with some food. i cannot do that. i do not have the strength of mind to move.

i think of preserving money to take care of disposal of my body. i do not know if it is enough to see my days. i am not sure of my food. i cook but not sure how long i can do the same.

my family still depends on me for providing. they live with me. they are not independent. i cannot motivate them to be self sufficient. it pains me that they have not educated themselves to be independent. this is my failure. my final act is not to know what they are doing. it is not pleasant for me to know. they have hurt me physically and mentally.

my world is part of me. i have nothing to hide from my world

i am not perfectly learned; however to a large extent i know that i am not allowed to expect.
i still think of my future.

i am open to receive anything or anybody in my world. but i am not relaxed. i go seeking. i visit. what i get gives me agitation. i fail to assimilate. though, i know under no circumstances i can reject.
the cause of my sensitivity is my presumptions

i know they are never valid but i cannot practice. sometimes it takes days and months to consume my disappointments. i blabber me out here or my dairies.
what those without knowledge of alphabets do?

children cry - do they not?

what about my self sufficiency?

as of now i am sufficient but with my expectation of approaching disabilities ~ i am suffering from self deficiency. how do i treat me? what is the remedy for my feelings of self deficiency?

i am hopeless.

if i assume i am self sufficient it is easy to induct on every entity of my world. i can easily rely on their self sufficiency. now if i assume otherwise, i am not self self sufficient and i shall be the same for every entity in my world. can i support any if cannot support myself?

is logic as a tool absolute existed before time or ade appearance first time they started living in a group

is language too is not a tool came into existence within group

both assumptions appears to lead to conclusion that my thoughts and action to make me or any perpetual do not necessarily achieve any objective

i have same kind of thoughts regarding mortality. if i am mortal i must be not self sufficient. i have in me some entity necessary for my survival that has its limit. now if it is possible to prolong my perpetuity by replacement of organ limiting its life time and i may become immortal if that be my objective. why not then i assume me immortal to start with and spare me the mental exercise or physical exercise to perpetuate. if that be so, why don't i presume to start with all entity is immortal.

what is the purpose of immortality specifically that of me ~ my mind. what can really be reason that i wish to be immortal given that i am mortal?

is there any reason that i must assume? why?

did i assume when i was born to survive? or i started assuming as the days passed.

as a result i became insufficient and became dependent on my world as i was in the process of its creation of the same. my mind contains both indistinguishably.

i am at this moment not inclined very much interested in knowledge gathering. it serves no purpose but mental exercise.

what is my compulsion?

if it is my joy of living, thinking of joy is becoming less and less enjoyable. gifts and honors unless come all by themselves, i find working for them very exhausting - earning my joy is very stressful.

even one moment of joy earning i cannot afford with my current capacity. i rather like to be enjoying not doing not seeing not thinking at this moment.

and not living.

i cannot even afford to be jealous and argue to be self satisfied. i am unhappy with my ability to be satisfied; but i love and do not mind my dissatisfaction

i enjoy doing nothing

without doing thinking talking, only alternative i have to assume that i am self sufficient so is all in my world by induction.

if i am under any compulsion

here is one more thing i undoubtedly know; and i have not adopted that from anyone anywhere or internalized somebody's finding

I am all and i know this for sure. with or without words me or my world it is true

i am empty
i am the only perpetual

having known this i cannot have any goal anymore. My situation is never going to change.
I am the core of my world. I am the only food fodder fuel constituents of my world.

I am on fire. I shall be burning until I am empty.
unless i keep making fuel indefinitely to be false everytime i breath

real is reality indistinguishable

the pain of burning of my world is real. it is felt by me alone and none else.
the cause or fuel is uniquely mine ~ my beliefs regarding lifetime of every object of my world.
the strength of my belief is that of sholapith image  and its capacity to survive any contact - breeze water or fire or touch ... impossible to protect it from disappearing

illusion ~ all is my lies no exception ~ it is my unbearable pain to discover my own bluff ~ i have been a success in cheating none but me 
my latest self discovery

 is it not end of my learning? or some more of my secrets waiting to be known?

my life is a dream ~ no future no past no repetition no response no present  ~ false ~ no option ~ i can only observe appearance of moments and disappearance of moments
but i cannot indulge ~ all actions are futile ~ all thinking is futile ~ all conclusion are futile ~ all philosophy is futile ~ it is futile to remember ~ it is futile to expect

i am forever in doubt
do i see? did i see? will i see?
do i believe ~ i may ponder why what i believe is not ~  do i not know

i am alone forever alone dreaming in empty space
i am sure i can never see or imagine another ~ empty space

i have often in the past talked about my ability to do think speak ... i often said i cannot run wild with imagination ... i have no permission

it is true if i try to run my imagination about me - i am immediately stopped to even breath or whine - i lose control to think

i perhaps wrongly believe that anyone trying to assume or imagine about oneself is running the risk of insanity
this one can avoid by not persisting about the same or by not making it a habit of showing off

it is impossible to show oneself off
i am not sure about others how do they manage to sell themselves
but i am sure about my limitation ~ i am forbidden