forbidden unless explicitly permitted

i am not even allowed to refer ~ forget about speak think discuss or write

i am forbidden by design and order

if still do i am risking my sanity ~ only possession in my life and i need nothing

as long as i do not say nothing ~ i need nothing

not air not water not food not people not sense not world nothing

i am taken care forever.

yet i am writing and i am risking all this ~ i barely got the permission to say for the love of my world as long as i do not refer or say nothing ~ not even a word not even a sign or sigh

i am forbidden by design and order

i may open my mouth to speak but nothing will emit no sound air vibration ...

i cannot cross my limit ~ i cannot cross my limit ~ i am the mechanical doll shall be without power ~ i am not allowed to lie

......

instead let me tell a story

i was going through my sleeping problem - my nights are very disturbed and my feet and my palm burns
so much so i cannot read write or do anything
i try to pass my time by making or drinking tea
i am exhausted
after breakfast and lunch i feel drowsy and sleep
i make up for my lost sleep and i am not happy about the same
i have about 5 spots where i have some pain and they are quite acute may be at artiledge joints and perhaps due to driving long hours at a stretch - 4 to 8 hours
i found some relief from voline arnica iodex but they contributed to extreme uneasiness during night
i thought of availing my physician's recommendation and wrote him for suggestion
i did not visit him for 4 months after he conducted 20 tests and he wish to make some radiology test too
he wished to meet me before suggesting any medicine

a few days back i went to meet him
i told him that i am mental person i treat my physical metabolism by my mind
i told him i know physicians and their methodology and test prescriptions and their beliefs very well i lived with them for many years and i do not share their belief
you may take blood urine whatever and test and i am not interested to even know what you find but i am not going to take any radioactive or allow you scrap any tissue out of my body
he said that he may not be able to work with me
i told him i do not need any treatment
any way he made another 25 tests
about two days ago they came to me and all is normal
he is still threatening perhaps correctly that my calcium level is high and may result in crumbling of my bones

by design and order i cannot be dependent on my world
my physician is one out of 7 billion person in my world
i simply cannot believe what he believes
even if i wish to i am banned no admission into his world of fantasy
.......
i am forbidden entry in myworld, after my world, or before my world
I need explicit permission to enter at any moment and every moment - to do sniff see touch or think ...
i am permanently forbidden to enter anybody's world or even ask permission under no condition.
i am permanently shut out to enter another person space. all gates closed forever. no relationship possible. 
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parvati married shiva the ascetic and she had to practice asceticism for many years right from childhood
her daughter saraswati was born married to brahman ~ truth absolute ~ before birth.

brahman?
 ~ mind that has no other container but contains all 
 ~ all is always permitted 
the law that supercede all laws:: no prohibition no obstruction never clear open sky no color no spec no sound no sight no sense no presence no word no intelligence no memory no assumption