nowthenafter

About three years back i was suffering from very bad appetite. I was going every week to RI when it hit me. then on i started to lose weight. i was very dissatisfied with what i was eating i started cooking at home. during this weekly travel it was very unmanageable. Once two years back i was travelling to LA every week I fell sick. I was unable to get out of bed for four days. I concluded this time that water of LA does not suit me. about one year back i went on a vacation in LA i got allergy all over the body. It subsided after few days of coming back to Columbus. I continued with me cooking. But I lost about 20 pounds. I reduced to about 111 lbs. About 3 or 4 months back I was not at all liking what I was eating and started making all my meals. somehow joya managed to squeeze in started making breakfast but it was little too much. I used to be very comfortable. I was having some problem with body. Anyhow I gained about 2 lbs every month. I did not wish to be a burden of my family...

last night there was a sand storm or was it many nights ago memory is failing i see no footprints not even mine nobody ever shall find my existence ever is it necessary to make my footprints for what purpose is not my observation is enough i see dunes after dunes waves after waves of virgin sand i do not like crossing any of theses waves is this not the destination i have been searching 

how many meteorites shower in Columbus? I would not know unless I am outdoor in the dark and counting or i have device to count meteorites in the dark to count. This is an example but the experiment i am about to conduct has nothing to do out door but can be done always indoor. I am going to count how many times I need not open my trap yapping. I promise myself that I need that to be vital event say an injury noticed by me but not noticed by the person getting injured. I also promise myself to prevent the same without yapping. I am counting my yapping and preventing the same. I am of course watching and listening to others but not yapping. While I do silently. Last I yapped to my son around 2AM. Now it is 12:15 PM. I am not going to make any phone call today. That is lot of yapping. I am writing. It is yapping with a twist. my mother i used to yapp with about my eruditions i was relearning my puranas in my own way some ancients lesson to learn with my twists of meaning. that i...

for me Cole is a puzzle I cannot solve. He has personality that he carries along. He is reluctant to eat what his mother provides him. It has been all along his life. Now he trades this with what he wants. his definition of fun. all along he is keeping himself mum. many months ago he tried to speak mamamam etc. but now his vocabulary is 'unh'. he wants the object to be given to him. sometimes i go and spend time with him; during that time he would load me with toys to keep me busy. one may wonder that with disaster taking place every moment on the surface of earth where is really good? unless one is unfailingly convinced about the same in every moment of one's life. even my death is good. in adi, before time, purana talked about two forces. good and bad. however it was always to contain bad with good. why so? the force to contain bad is with the kernel of renunciation. it is supposed to be absolute and without color. earth remains unchanged but its surface is devasta...

It is lifetime long illusion. 68 plus years now. illusion remains as illusion. most of the time now i do not go out. occasionally for buying renting things i have ordered online from stores or library. i am living in an atmosphere where temperature is compatible to my body comfort. while humanoid illusions are not perfectly pleasurables. automation should be able to take care of this. seating at home not moving at all - i do not have to wait but get an engagement by describing the job i want plus whatever money i want and facilities i want. all delivered when i want. i have been able to create my illusions now my illusions shall be compatible and comfortable to me as i desire. my illusions shall feel my with love respects and honor. i dial my desire level it is delivered to me. i am not talking about robot - i am talking about reality or automation as real as reality is. even without expressing. my brain reader auto-guesses my what love i need just now and creates the same correc...

i am absent me my world my time my words my reason my memory my senses my people my life my necessities my thoughts my deeds my intelligence all is trash-useless-putrid-smelling-insane-foul-excretion-garbage-quicksand-ugly-bad-unnecessary-meaningless-false i have none and nothing my words are useless and cannot be heard i am alone hopeless without future.

this evening i got email from netflix informing me last few episodes of anthony is there for me to view. this time i paid extra attention to anthony and what he has to deliver. it is an incomplete series since  anthony committed suicide in a paris hotel hanging. earlier i could see he was very disturbed. in this series the episode in bunoisaros he about half the time was with a therapist explaining his nightmares. it did not help him. I am familiar with his nightmares. I have seen them many times. One is I am returning home but unable to find my way. the world has completely changed and i cannot return home. the other is my incomplete education at isi. i cannot find my chass rooms and i cannot graduate. i do not look for cure from my nightmares no matter how disturbing the same is. my world without home or with home is not worth seeking. I accept myself sufficient. he was looking for hope despite knowing that the god has given him plenty. he has most desirable engagement i...

I have many many doubts about everything I came across in my life. But one thing I am sure of that I can take nothing from my world. no sin no relation no good no garbage no bad no habit no word no valuable no memory no knowledge no grief no fear no shame no body no intellect no sense no joy no hope not even from one moment to another ~ any other all is always fresh new and final without precedence without future without duplicate every instance of my world every moment is fresh from heaven always with unmatchable quality I have to leave behind all and everything in my world. I can play as long as I wish but that is it. when the whistle is blown I have to depart in total silence i have no choice not even choice of time what makes me so certain i do not know but i am one hundred percent certain 

I do not know what was my age. I was in Madhupur Mamabari. Among the shopping list of groceries my mother sent for one item for me. Varna Porichoy by Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar. It was my first book. It had very cheap reddish paper cover with a photo of Vidyasagar on the cover in a circle. The cost of the book was one paisa. It was written in back cover. Learnt to read bengali alphabets and numbers from this book. The last pages of the book contained a story of Gopal. To this day I remember the story. It was about a spoilt boy who was forever excused for all the mischiefs he had done by his indulgent aunt. At long last he was caught by police and judged. He was given a prison term. Before leaving for prison he request to speak to his aunt. He bite his aunt ear. He gave his judgement to his aunt for notever punishing him all the wrongs he had done.

the impending death report finally delivered to me by Ohio health lab personally at 8 PM one evening a week back i was called to doctors office what to expect - my future it is bleak very bleak my bones are going to crumble and perhaps crumbling my blood sugar is 568+ i shall go blind i shall have heart attack i shall be confused i have to be tested for bone crumbling and my thyroids to be removed in order me to survive presently i am to inject 15 measure insulin everyday i asked how long i was told for the lifetime i was asked to take some more tests and come back next day I cancelled my visit and another appointment made for 2nd january earlier i picked up my medicine informed doctors office i am going to study my sugar for a few days before taking insulin i told him i am hypersensitive about consuming any medicine truly i do not like to cure myself via medicine i was asked to take 5 measure of insulin i changed my diet my favorit is rice lentils potato boil...

trump is not playing golf at his mar la go golf course paid by government but waiting for democrats and gop to come around and pay him dollar 5 billion for his election promise to usa for mexico wall which he told then then that mexico shall pay for itself many other incentives he created to for jobs in usa did not happen but instead disappeared has tariffs on import made things costlier but did not create jobs in usa he tweeted today that he is all alone in xmas in the white house while every shop of business is closed and he is without a customer

i had long conversation with kanti sayeed ritadi raghu i tried contacting uttam but he was not available raghu asked me to see blade runner i ordered them from library ritadi talked about anupam whom i never met they were at ritadi's place for dinner she often talks about him he is in usa i never met him she said he knows me lot of people from isi know me because i was brother of kamal roy he was 50 years in isi i have done nothing memorable in my life she told me about isi alumni annual dinner about my past acquaintances rahada sibdasda gopeshda etc who came for the event about 35 of them sajal did not come since he went for bangladesh tour I asked sayeed to write he can write in several languages he has been in middle east for 3 or 4 decades he has seen many places he is devoted muslim it shall be great pleasure to listen to him I told sayeed you have taken and taken only from your world for yourself and your family but you have not given anything no...

I need to observe all as they are since there is no border line between me and my world there cannot be an hypothesis that this is me and that is my world what i observe is both me and my world and my intellect observing all as they are i may not be able to do even for a moment in all my life this is despairing is this not my observation i do not see anyone behind me do i see any of my hypothesis what medicine do I take for my despair my nausea my trembling my failure my shame my fear is it not very disturbing what do i do for incurable me sankara's medicine is not available for me i have no patience I have no occupation

it takes so much effort to think a person stay away from to live proximity to listen to his words that cause me pain i have seen extreme selfishness and I like to live away from them but i have to live with them in close proximity under the same roof in the same house and listen their constant talks they are not only part and parcel and not philosophy they are indivisibly me and indispensable their words are my words their actions are my actions

I can't believe they are my words my deeds my thoughts my eyes and me in person as is when i read a book when i hear an abuse when i see a disaster when i see a leper when i see suffering when i see inhumanity when i see a barbarous act when i see insane it is me none other always me bluffer despicable liar fraud dangerous corrupt I am so unimaginably bad unbelievable but true there goes all hope of being original genius honorable or becoming normal it is impossible to believe there shall never be any but me not this lifetime nor any after i remember a person and his story he was resident at anukul ashram in giridih yearly once he used to come for his matriculation I do not know if he ever passed but i was told of his failures 17 times another person i knew was my classmate at puc that was his second time  I visited him after first year bstat he was again doing puc from another college he used to stay with his uncle after bstat I visited shi...

what made durga beautiful daughter of himalayas go out and meditate many years for prince charming a person like shiba a drug addict living with people of the past and get married and conceive four children lakshmi saraswati ganesh kartik? durga is my world two unmarried kartik and saraswati two married lakshmi ganesh lakshmi married in worriless home of provider of wealth ganesh is married to provider of food saraswati spinster knowledge kartik is fashionable roamer touring the world durga asked ganesh why do you always remain at home go and see the world ganesh went around durga once and lazily went back to eating durga is world it perfectly happy heaven that always is i look as far as i see it is my kingdom every speck in it is me i tilled and toiled none and nothing else is permitted i am haunted by my lonely walk as a child exploring what am i looking for? what i don't have? what can I get?

did i see that? did I think that? did I do that? did i say that? do I doubt me? yes, I saw that. yes, i thought that. yes, i did that. yes, I said that. yes, I doubt me. is there any truth undoubtable? do i have any doubt about that? it is all me always sleep dream or awake

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Totapuri he would have gone unknown to internet unless Ramakrishna's account was written day to day for many decades by Master a disciple of his. It was 1000 plus pages. Totapuri was in it in 300 pages. He was supposed to taught him - Nirvikalpa Samadhi - as popularized by Adi Sankara. observing one's own world without further contemplation. He only stayed for 11 months at Dakshineswar when was not supposed to be in any place for more than 4 nights. He was a naked mendicant and also principal of a school for Naga Sanyasi. the naked ones. The reason I remember him for my vow of silence no matter what. he had two belongings - no clothes. both metallic - an iron to work with fire and a copper vessel for holding water. Once when sitting under a groove before a fire with Ramakrishna his disciple a temple worker approached the fire for lighting his biri. Totapuri got wild and drove away the person from taking a burning charcoal. He also used t...

[ I am nothing and cannot be someone or something. I can assume or predict. But I have to consume my undigested (my predictions my expectations) garbage on daily basis with no cooperation or help from my world. My expectations shall never be met. I remain undissolvable in my world!!! ] Am I independent? Am I unemployed? Am I silent? Does world has any meaning to me other that it is what it is? Is there any healing touch to sooth away my pain of suffering from my love ~ my world?  When would my world die? It is one only promise to me and myself and intend to keep it: I do not ask in any manner in any language. I am independent self-sufficient and self-employed. I must die before I break my promise to myself and surrender to my hypotheses and ask.  I keep my life outside my home for anybody to snuff it anytime. I am not in anybody's mercy. I do not guard them from vanishing. I do not love me. I only love my world. I am ever ready to give away anything I ...

last few nights i am dreaming about Laha after seeing a very large advertisement I applied to a startup  company called Interra today I have no regret for any moment for my life I had a call to meet him at his residence cum office in new friends colony he was not a very good talker and not at all impressive he had a large desk full of files and papers he was missing most of the time while I was there memory has holes I joined his company shortly after he tried to project himself very human open minded and Bengali He was bengali to one extent only he must gain somehow and anyhow he has no respect for patience he was extremely selfish he insisted on subservience nothing can ever be achieved without patience and perseverance he did not know I did not understand his business model he said that it is him who started offshore software business in India he was with a US company it was in the second floor of one building where ABC was in top floor he was replaced ...

this phrase i learnt during Bush he became a lame duck president i do not as yet know the meaning but perhaps it means \you have all the chance to shoot him in the world\because he lame and cannot move we have a president where everybody except his family members ran away he must thank his judgement to have his family members to cover all his choices of his cabinet he is running short of numbers i am told 29 of cabinet secretaries already gone none is willing to take up these business unless forced even his collection of generals and ceos from business are leaving him and of course i do not any of his vacant positions i heard of this government shutdown several times now apparently house has to approve his plans of spending but house is obliging including the current house that is in majority why everybody is bent on only plucking the feather of the lame duck who cannot run but not shooting him perhaps constitution protects him all his cabinets becoming indepen...

all is me i cannot make any other hypothesis if i do it is surely wrong however i do make wrong hypothesis there is no way to find out about my wrong hypotheses unless I am able to see all as they are even the cleaning up process I am incorrect invariable always I have been without appetite for long time and was losing weight 1 or more pounds every month for last 2 to 3 years I have twice in the past started cooking my food recently I have been gaining weight perhaps 1 or more pounds ever month however my discomfort did not pass away I visited a physician to find out he made series of tests about 10 15 of them i told him that i am under no medication for last 50 years i apparently have very high sugar and i must be treated immediately my concern is always my independence i was told this revelation over phone at night my family members listened to the conversation next morning doctors assistant called me i was reluctant if medications are required I may be pre...

this proverb is floating around for many millenniums ever since human learned to predict and thus expect good or bad relative to one's whatever be current situation one sees black cloud in the sky and expects storm one runs for cover if already under a cover one predicts if the shelter itself in danger or not however, this ancient proverb relaxes one's anxiety about ones future no matter what one's predictions are one need or need not act expecting a punch and being sharp to act fast one can perhaps avoid it it is good however getting punched is not bad at all ancient proverb says i have tried my best to decide for once what is the bad I had ever done is it possible for me to do anything bad do i have control over my actions often I find it is instinctive reaction without asking me for concurrence however one thing is clear and conclusive i am never gainer or loser yet I am responsible reason somehow cannot be applied unless i have some worki...

It is impossible to get anything at no time. this takes quite a while to realize. I have come to this point many time - 10 thousand times. I had to extract myself from expecting physically many months and years to be at home or away from people and places. alone yet I do not think I have achieved anything to expect no expectation yet still regret my losses when there is nothing to lose since i gained nothing so far and so long 

if I surface in head side my tails side I cannot see both me though in my head side i see only good I cannot have remotest idea how evil evil ia it is better for me not to know i know i do not know when I am silent and everyone known too even by mistake I must not call evil as evil even by mistake I must not call good as good if I do, my world is split and the reason is me indivisible is divided with a philosophy none but my philosophy fat too much knowledge for my comfort why Am i writing so many words only reason i do not want that to be spoken by me the two halves of my world would separate more only glue is my silence to unite my world knowledge of silence must be used cannot be misused the one and only way to communicate silence is by observing silence my right hand does have to touch my left hand My coin is a square one or round one that is one face only nothing written on it

after my retirement i invested in stocks to keep up with inflation well I do not have the investment I made the crash is more than 1931's great depression reasons are many trump fed trade war separation wall with neighbors how long my mistake to last i don't know bears are knocking at door asking for sale unless you sell you are going to get less and less for your investment what is required for me in order to survive the nuclear warfare i cannot be going out i have to be silently waiting till it is over my world is as beautiful and pleasant as I imagine the heaven is among other things the heaven does not have currency there is no noise no pollution no price no demand no supply there is difficulty or difficulty my world is heaven i am silent unless i am silent i cannot listen to the music in the air i cannot smell the air of its fragrance not from paris but that of heaven never never same smell again never never same event again never never sam...

when I don't talk at all my world and me is indivisible whole communication is at the level of no barrier any happenings anywhere I know anything i think my world knows this cannot be learnt unless I am total silent i become needless i am absent all is me otherwise being quiet I lose nothing I gain the whole world totally I have been struggling to possess some part of it in my name i understand that i can possess nothing not even a drop of blood in my body forget about the body itself I cannot possess my mind or memory i cannot possess my intellect it really makes no difference what do or don't the last thing I learn by remaining silent that there is no evil in my world evil and good two faces of the same coin me who is absent the root the root is absolute always indivisible absent abstract of all abstracts a theory with a model itself it cannot have tag it cannot have a speck glowing sparkling clean without dharma the measure for all dh...

he has impressed me more than anybody else in america. i have had occasion to see many. unlike american minding his pocket he minds his job. one other person whom i had great respect was mccain and he is no more. there must be many like him. unfortunately i do not meet them or read them. they are possibly not in circulation. what impresses me about muller that his silence. his job is to maintain silence and not look for mileage a pretense doin so much while doing nothing. I am in technology for 50 years now. I have so many indians here in the technology. they do not evoke any respect from me. some from my own institute have received laurels equivalent to nobel prize in mathematics, some received the highest civilian award of usa, some junior have been in highest honor receiver in genetics. but the state of affairs and science and technology is without brilliance. the economics and social science is in very deplorable condition. i read them and read about them but i do no longer ...

whenever my world is sparkling transparent and clean I am seeing myself

I cannot escape in my world i cannot escape my world I cannot escape even with my death if my death is premature I shall be reborn to eat and digest my fruits of action my karma i have no escape till then reason that there is none but me and i am my world i am unsupported I have to witness everyone and everything and their departure from my world in full consciousness with my full faculty in my full sense in case it is unbearable and if i die prematurely i shall not escape i shall have another life in my world the world has to vanish as is without me losing consciousness i have to bear and see for myself that i am none and nothing without my world no escaping from my world i am its sole owner i have to undergo the whole and entire loss in full consciousness then and only then i am free

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/17/science/donald-knuth-computers-algorithms-programming.html https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/opinion/sunday/uber-driver-life.html?action=click&module=RelatedLinks&pgtype=Article https://www-cs-faculty.stanford.edu/~knuth/fant.html i do not have any good opinion about google technology at all. it is very cheap business model. I also note here Knuth's wager that some graduate student of him a google scientist executive shall never get a Phd. Google is very cheap technology provider. They are thieves. Knuth does not require promotion by Google. 

every entity in my world has a limit that is not art of the world it needs courage to see the limit since it is not part of the world it is world without people and belonging to the same it is unthinkable courage of living wherever without choice but without people ancestor peer contemporary relation friends enemy no human none remotely human statue of human model of human history of human humanity or any remotely similar ever present or existing no creature no god no creator no nothing ~ always and without change

finally i am in a world where there was no other being no other foot print besides me. it is virgin land with me alone living if any is visible it is me i am in it before time and shall live after time there cannot be my death in this world if i go the my world too goes with me i never noticed before any footprints i create many now i discover many had any been living in this world without my knowledge i am writing a history of this world if any chance upon this world lest i forget any may start from there wistful expectation for another of me after me

What they mean really? ইহলোক পরলোক স্বর্গলোক মর্ত্যলোকে যমলোক All these world are inhabited with people of all kind but there is not two different kinds of people. In this world, iholok, you only see living. By now one knows how horrible to live here. One has to think every moment and save oneself from ruin all the time. Why? Why nothing can be done about it? Freedom is not there. My childhood time was definitely not like this. Days after days I returned home before dark.  But i did not think that a restriction. I was not a person then. Now I am. I do not want to be surrounded by people. As soon as I became a person I started living among people. They just came into being all of a sudden. I wish to be not among people. Do I need people to live for any reason say happiness? None can help me. No people. There is no option to clean my world of people. Without option my world is devoid of people. my real world has no inhabitants not even me. This my present world. Wha...

there need be two for contradiction but there is no two in the world world is one and indivisible i have imagined field or space with 0 and 1, addition, subtraction, multiplications and many more hypothesis  and proved many theorems or truth in it and found many claims false mathematics is man made universe all in my imagination i am handed out laws of universe heavenly bodies comes with property of attraction and called it gravity i supposed it is not in my mind and existing before me and after me I am also told about birth of universe and death universe after me I am told moving shall remain moving and still shall remain still I am told there is no creator of universe out of nothing it came out of nothing it shall disappear there is nothing called moral or immoral all these is not mine or have nothing to do with me suppose a gasp of gas is let out of a spaceship or in the surface of moon it disappears without trace an earthly poisonous dirt is let out of space...

was adam a good man? was eve was good woman? Presumably satan lived before them. was satan good or bad? presumably god the creator lived even before satan. was he good? Imagine the world before any people. I imagine myself the first born. I have a choice. I am the only imaginative being ever. I know it. Do I give the same imaginative attribute to whatever I see. A stone perhaps. the stone is imaginative just like me. what does stone think of me? there is no question that stone does not think. stone does not have life, past, present or future. of course it think. it has expectations just like me. it has feelings just like me. it responds to love and response to hate. it struggles for survival. it grows just like me. it learns just like me. it creates society of stone surrounding him. just like i have done for it. I have given it love life and imagination and companionship. I also receive stillness coolness from stone and understanding of my surrounding and experience of i...

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/15/opinion/sunday/saudi-arabia-yemen-khashoggi.html I have already noted that I have no power to see anything but as it is. I cannot change the course of planet earth with 7 billions human occupant making mess with it. 7 or 70 billion or 700 billion, mother earth can deal with any number. How I don't know but then I shall know. already unstoppable trump and trump family is quiet for two days not even a whimper. their misdeeds of past is catching up with them. they are just a incompetent bunch in the white house and even without support from gop. senators from gop is keeping distance from trump and his family. none with any sanity can be insane enough to support trump and his business interest. we are even seeing his female members too as mad as trump and disrupting US machinery. New year surely see lot of shut downs of trump operation and governance departments are liberated from him and his family. WH cannot be mechanism to promote family bus...

I talked to him to pass my time he moves around i catch him many places his tastes and mine do not much match i find out india and the problems surfacing everywhere except for food people and too many of them is destroying if anything is left last time i heard one person ajit pai have created a forest by planting trees for last forty years in river banks fresh soil deposit people destroying any wild life if there is too many people too much is their appetite uttam's taste for books and viewing materials are not what i can consume anyway he told me two short stories kanai and bolai twin brothers one is blind other is dumb end of story i forgot the other story

my professional future is under cloud. those people who are talking to me day in and out and promising me assignment are worth taking seriously. stocks are not doing well despite current fed thinks unless they meddle with interest rate we shall have inflation glut of money and not much produce  internet toys and drug peddlers are not selling much i am retired and not have much needs  i hardly have longing to possess and no inclination to travel to see people or places I am quite reached the limit on new all is the same wine in same bottle world is not an attraction any more yesterday i had an interview with ibm and they were interviewing me for a software developer role I was surprised I told them I do enjoy programming it still thrills me but all thrills shall go when I am going to develop something as per your design direction or guidance I am 40 years plus hands on architect I misty eyed with expectation look forward to build a sunroom wh...

I was pondering for a while now, why I decided on Trump as my choice without anything about him and i have no regret. I know the answer now. my respect for constitution of usa that wishes to exclude the same president (by including proxy) more than two terms. Hillary is proxy for same president usa from two choices - obama and bill. I wish to eliminate both. I congratulate me on my choice of trump. in a way it is clearing political arena ever increasingly polluted with business interest and constitutional protection received by the individual # 1. with the ever increasing swarming flies and bees and wasps attacking I#1 we have not received any tweet from him in last two days. again i am told he kept his calendar free of any appointment for 24 hours in this weekend. while obama and bush enjoyed 100 days vacation every year. trump is always at his office and day and night defending witch hunt. dozens from his inner circle has turned against him. republican too are saying that they h...

words cannot convey peace. silence and inaction radiate peace. for more than 2500 years Buddha is synonymous to peace he left behind no words and no symbol nothing to identify with him. his absence has only left behind only that to identify with him. my appetite for his statue is unending I bring them home wherever i find them in different postures. How people started to mean peace with its statues i don't know. Hindus have a symbol for peace and that meant nothing in a way. neither sleep nor wake nor dream nor absent and not even that. Buddha statues have been destroyed enmass in many war torn countries like afghanistan syria. Did Buddha looked like any of them? they look similar in appearance hairless fatless bellyless body. large longish ears. curly hair like crown on the head. some have a small circle of bindi on the forehead. lotus eyes are not looking and turned inwards to himself. One hand showing symbol of Sunya. I have seen some of his statues him sle...

I deny myself nothing ~ I do anything exactly as I please any time anywhere ~ I have no control ~ I cannot have any control ~ I do all wrong

with great interest i visit news reading on trump i know trump is dysfunctional he is not be able to serve and deliver he is creating chaos i cannot predict his departure or resignation he would not do it till his last breath in the white house i remember mullah nasruddin story of his second marriage already father of seven he was in his 80s when his first wife died after the obligatory brief period of rituals he called his eldest son "I cannot bear to see your sad faces orphaned by your mother, i am thinking of another mother for you all." "who is going to be our mother?" "what about Fatima our neighbor?" "She is only seventeen!" "When I married your mother she was 13." After the marriage next evening, Mullah is back in the chaikhana to break the wind. Curious asked him about the ceremony. "after ceremony was over my youngest son picked me up in put me in the bed to sleep with my newly wed wife. Next day well pas...

Here is a list of biases or dependence we have that can be abandoned to find out who am I it is not question anymore I learnt from my sensitive ability to listen and tagging sound to sensation or recording - the one tag is my name sound that I am called and known and I respond chief recording device is my eye - I associate sound tags with it chief learning device is my intellect - I learn to discriminate by tag and recording and make prediction what to expect chief recognition device is body - my identity recognition of popularity base - attraction repulsion recognition of support base - sustenance I am the doer i need not do i am not required to be i am unsupported by any of my activities I may indulge in i do live with or without habit

Nirvana  is a place of perfect peace and happiness, like heaven. In Hinduism and  Buddhism ,  nirvana  is the highest state that someone can attain, a state of enlightenment,  meaning  a person's individual desires and suffering go away. I have a reading glass and I am engaged in reading me. thought for thought and their meaning. I see now my worries - causes are my heart that has been assumed to be beating from my birth assuming it was started earlier by some natural process. Physicians may set in motion my stopped heart. Like gas station do I keep association with physicians. Do I keep living. Is it necessary? Do I keep my association with all listening posts and towers keep alive and communicate? Suppose I don't. Suppose I abandon the entire database I keep alive for recognition for any signal loss or gain of happening and I don't care to find out.  I am dead. or I don't know.  rather, I know I don't know. I know what my world...

I bought two pendants and matching chain for them too. I have the fascination for buddha statue but not pendants or necklaces. i used wear them and buy them regularly when i was not married.  The significance of tree of life is for different reason. Couple of years back i saw them in their standing statue incarnation at a jem show. they were costing above $30 and I was reluctant to spend the amount. However now it has different significance for me now. it depicts my concept of life at various stages of my life. my root as always is unassuming and silent. even within a day i take my stance and prefer to assume and thus expecting depending on what I assume. I also burdened with lot of discomfort for my assumption. I also look forward to deliverance from discomfort and relief. Things have changed about 40 years back when I promised myself not to mislead me in believing that there is some entity not me who is creator of my world and represented by a place of worship. I form...

his full name is kranti amar his wife rani and his son is dede. deded was a name given by us. on my first night in hyderabad kranti came with is wife rani to visit us. he had a car and ready for any kind of fun but his gas expense must be born by us. similarly you are invited in his house always and he would insist us sleeping in his house outside under the open sky but you should buy food materials for rani to cook. he could always laugh no matter what. he would also make wild schemes. there was pillai whom i never met. they started a management institute. but unable to continue further with pillai swindling bank loans; kranti was a guarantor. our department was breaking up and ascii was keen on removing it. we all left and kranti too. he went to australia and is a faculty member in a management institute. he was fellow from iim ahmedabad. kranti was kranti, a unique kind. however rani - i was very devoted to. she was beautiful and very silent kind. i had seen her sad but never an...

reliefs are rare glimpse of God i get reminded although I am very far away from my destination the destination is ready to come the distance to fetch me it is immense relief  like to do all my jobs and none is beneath me i am accustomed to doing everything toilet repair to any repair stitching mending cooking knitting flooring furniture building and whatever at least 50% of my home facilities are due to my labor Sometimes I get into problem not taking extra precaution and i about to cause physical damage to my body relief is really soothing to find out i barely escaped due to god's grace yesterday not taking adequate precaution I was trying to fix fire alarm overhead standing on a wheelchair i slipped 3 feet high up standing into floor and banged head on the floor i compose myself for few minutes and slowly found out besides some exposed fleshes i survived with only screen bruises. what relief joya cannot live without physician and medication all through the day ...