nowthenafter

once upon a time i loved india and even dreamed about making it my home after my retirement my entire vision of india disappeared after my first and last visit to india for 15 total days i left india crying with choked voice unable to say single word to a former friend from plane ~ he promiscuously said bon voyage and i could not utter any noise what did i witnessed is unbelievable i was familiar with honesty even in corrupt dishonest india ~ this time in 15 short days i lived in hotel and ate in hotel i met my family and friends and host of other people i learnt that all hundred percent of them without exception corrupt dishonest waiting to make a kill for money and it did not matter whom they are aiming, his or her victim ~ it can be me surely and any other person ~ husband wife son daughter brother sister anyone and chant mantra or puja before and after the episod and without any remorse bhakti and bhakta flooding india and it is sky high the sun no more rises in indi...

number 1 is enough real to me to make all other integers number 0 too was very real to me when my new shoe was no longer new and cannot be under my pillow and bed worthy for use rational were good and real when i had to deal with coins and not having currency e square root of two pi are useful irrationals when i got acquainted with distance curve and geometry functions were pleasures of dreams i did not have to imagine square root of -1 when curves in real disappear and reappear in patterns i was happy with numbers and i was not worried at all with mathematics throwing up paradoxes my mathematics in my daily pleasure needed paradoxes afterall i am the sole owner of my world and it contains all even me even if it is my imagination my sanity is not my problem i do not have to sell me in my world i may not love me unsold and i love not being sold that saves my efforts of talking about me recently i again got immersed in cantor and his cardinal ordinal numbers i again lea...

i am inadequate to meet my necessities what can i do? who is going to meet my necessities? i know for sure that my current possessions are inadequate meet my future in short or long term assuming no change in environment >> my wealth is inadequate my health is inadequate my mind is inadequate my intellect is inadequate my activity is inadequate my thinking is inadequate my reading is inadequate my writing is inadequate my relation is inadequate my luck is inadequate I am inadequate I know ~ i am living beyond my means and my sufferings have no medicine i have to witness my sufferings i don't wish to witness  

the missile i am waiting for many births may not arrive in this life of me i have to anticipate and absorb the pain in my body and soul and experience the venom in me till they disappear i have unforgettable memories of my missiles and i know the power of my missiles i have to suffer since i have the boon of life till i wish to die the reason i anticipate the reason i am waiting for my missiles i have aimed at me     i have to wait i cannot will my death ~ i am incapable of dying all is me and it is not dream but i am within thorn jacket of me ~ the reality

It is a very long snake and very old snake. It is at least as old as me or more. My past that never dies and threatening to throttle me and I am scared even though I am committed to my inaction. But where is me? Who is me? snake or absolute? Past or that stainless absent creator of my past  Do I need do anything at all about my past? Can I do anything at all? From when? How? What is measure of my knowledge? it is most unfortunate that I cannot keep quiet. I hiss i stand up on my spine and strike with my become to kill. Whom? My hallucinations ~ impossible to rid me off and be thyself ~ so near but so far untouchable distance away. খারাপ ভালোর সীমানা ছাড়িয়ে অপেক্ষা অপেক্ষা আর অপেক্ষা পার্থিব আমার শেষ নেই বোধদয় রথ আসে না আমার ভাগ্যে সর্গ নেই সাপের খোলস হয়েই চির কাল এই পৃথিবীতে বাস আর আমার ফোঁস ফোঁস নিঃশব্দতা নেই ~ বাসনা ভালো হওয়ার বাসনা ~ যদিও জানি আমার ভালো হাওয়া অসম্ভব আমি খারাপের সীমানা ছাড়িয়ে আমি  Time measure from dream to dream ~ hall...

Same as has a symbol = and it is necessary to cut down noise ~ my noise I am striving for silence and permanent one 1 = absolute = me = before knowledge = all = after knowledge I am helpless i cannot change I am seed i am tree i am absent ~ the only absent before time after time and during time I cannot forget i cannot remember I have no option but always me I am always all. There is not any besides me. the reason is one and only one i am helpless ~ i cannot do anything about my feelings  Absolute is absolutely unpredictable and I am merely it's skin. Every নিমেষ too is absolute.

innocent is birthless deathless contains all finites and infinities My innocence is the only unforgettable I am helpless ~ the world ia entirely under control nothing left to chance ~ helpless again since I am that ~ and always so  I am helpless for het another reason being Innocent ~ i am forever gullible but soon after I am me again ~ inn......... In practice my innocence is my unbreakable backbone and open inexhaustible shelter of love protected from all possible calamities for all time and I never have to find Can I not practice innocence? What stops me? However practicing innocence is always i do not have to invent or practice. In fact I cannot dispose of my innocence. Infact it disposes of all my knowledge always even if I memorize it trillion zillion time in million births. It vanishes whenever I try to remember even my innocence. I cannot carry Memory feeling luggage ~ all disappear I am innocent I have no memory or state It is impossible to compare me even with me I canno...

Indian economics & education some economists  make some assumptions that is their common belief and obviously wrong. irrespective of who is their subscribers. wealth is not liquid nor influenced by gravitational attraction. wealth does not multiply like organism. wealth is not equal to produc t health happiness or security. wealth is not universal.  economists just ignore time geo coordinate and belief of people on which wealth depends on. temples in india is wealthy beyond any belief!!! such wealth do not participate in any manner. worse than black money in swiss bank. wealth is generated at federal level and injected through risky channels of distribution not necessarily utilized for production of wealth. economists do not understand the data they analyze to substantiate their claims; economic data do not have parameter such mean or variance. their reports and predictions have no reliability. economic data belong to the class of distribution similar to Cauchy dis...

if not me who else can be innocent and how does that help me? if not me who can be me anytime anywhere? if not me who else is going to disregard forget all events all people all words all places all dreams? i have my free will now and i exercise my will : i remember nothing. i know nothing. i know none. i have no need to know anything. i have no need to know any one ~  অজানায় আমার বাস চির নিবাস । আমার সব ধারণার জানার শেষ । আমি আর কখনো জানতে চাই না। আমি জানি যে আমি কিছু জানিনা চিনিনাবুঝিনা ।  কি হতে পারে ভাবা আমার পক্ষে অসম্ভব ।। I am innocent ~ i do not know ~ my world does not ever change now then never ~ i do not know I forget i do not remember ~ have i seen before? The world is fresh and new ~ i live in fresh new memoryless  world without precedence আমি জানি যে আমি কিছু জানিনা কাওকে জানিনা সব আমার নিজস্ব মন গড়া  এই মুহূর্তে আমি এসব ও ভুলে গেছি  my memory and me is permanent hole ~ sky ~ cannot retain ~ cannot learn আমি যখন জান...

i woke up this morning with one word you not me not we not that not he i have to vanish the belief should rise in me in the clear sky in my world where all is not only good but perfect and need no change and least of all my doubt i must wipe me clean and stay clean সর্গতে সব সর্বকাল পরম আমিও পরম ~ নিঃসন্দেহে  ~ কোনো সন্দেহ নিয়ে আমি এক মুহূর্ত সর্গে থাকতে পারিনা 

i forget all and i must forget all always ~ i must keep this vow ~ i do not know and knowledge is not my option there cannot be any thought any word or any act of defense from me for any time to come there cannot be any anticipation from me for any time to come from any one i have no reason to knowingly associate myself with any kind of act of another person and i must remain aware and abstain from knowing i am prepared to face all eventuality without   a word a thought a sigh a look a  hearing a touch a verification a taste or flexing a single muscle being dead or absent and not minding being so ~  it is my vow and i must keep as long as i am conscious and in my senses i perceive all without exception as they are without any further thought or investigation or action or word i do not calculate risk ~ i am innocent before doing after doing and always ~ i never predict any consequences for my undertaking i know i don't know and i act i don't know full stop i ...

in the absence of any other object or entity i shall be struggling forever not only this lifetime if any if this dream still continues into several more in future future shall remain a possibility unless i can eliminate all possibilities that i am not alone if i am alone ~ i must be the dreamer and i must be all knowing about my world ~ all past all present all future and they are based certain hypotheses ~ he is very well aware of while i am not the dream seer me is being manipulated by dream shower me why am i asking for dream am i troubled in my world that needs resolution this is true for example my uneasiness with my body ~ burning feet and palm and acute pain in my groin ~my assumption that it may have some simple solution ~ complex for me whatever that needs treatment ~ exercise medication research what causing ailment ~ all these i do not like to do ~ i have done it once and discovered my diabetes that resulted in complete change of diet i am convicted 100% wit...

he is my address he is my kin he is my will he is my home he is concrete abstract : what is before ~ order given me now ~ only positive fright doubt sanity insanity public private my helplessness acceptance rejection loneliness ~ as is ~ no blame no grievance no fear no shame no responsibility ~ peace silence inaction indifference ~ inverse wealth value my zero or no independence no free will ~ to do to think to talk to sense ~ situation is total helplessness i have seen every bit of memory that i have retained in last 70 years unforgettable are those where i was doubtful of my actions and failed i could not very much accept my failure i am exact similarity with vns accept for the fact i was not institutionalized had i been i would have been surprised i have suffered from extreme paranoia inability to be discovered by another person my pathetic condition i tried everything to stop me thinking except filling ears of pnm i was fortunate to get away from baroda i at le...

population modeling is an interesting topic. one can get started with wikipedia ~  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_model computer visual modeling with conway game of life has been very popular with them who loves graphics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4Nn3FDQm2k   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vgICfQawE j h conway talking about life ~  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1bDSlt1n9M https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eAmxgINXrE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftIllWczf5w  free will transfinite induction: defined for finite then it is defined for omega; defined for { w, w+1 ... } defined for w+w game of nim the person who cannot move loses; winning strategy is dependent on who starts first; dedekind cut : {games or numbers less | games or numbers greater} numbers defined using transfinite induction surreal numbers: define 0, 1, +, *, 1/n, n+1, order,  completeness 

some economists  make some assumptions that is their common belief and obviously wrong. irrespective of who is their subscribers. wealth is not liquid nor influenced by gravitational attraction. wealth does not multiply like organism. wealth is not equal to produc t health happiness security and wealth is not universal.  they just ignore time geo coordinate and belief of people on which wealth depends on. temples in india is wealthy beyond any belief!!! such wealth do not participate in any manner. worse than black money in swiss bank. often them do not understand the presumed data they make analysis for their conjecture do not have parameter such mean or variance. their reports have no reliability. wealth is not natural phenomena like flood rain drought. their creation reservation distribution or disappearance are artificial human motivated and contrived ~ no natural law and defies any formulation. nature can be studied with historical data but wealth cannot be studied ...

physicists thought all gas possess universal property or similarity all over the universe it simplifies knowing all gases individually ~ volume mass temperature pressure were linked with simple formula based on some constant named as absolute universal temperature called 0 simplicity knowing transient nature of health wealth life pain ~ human too over the entire history searched for immortality in their lifetime and assured of existence thereafter similarly puzzle: is not all observed connected? they are ~ at least to one and only one that never ever appear i.e. invisible yet center or intersection of all observed if one, say me, accept oneself to be that without appearance but always present ~ without doing anything knowing or realising this ~ i am immortal and defy universe for all time to come and always so it is an escape independence or relief from changing adapting aging living with mortality poverty pain life of words activity necessity adaptation to time as suc...

I participated in the dialog below but withdrawn my comments ever since but decided to publish here. my opinion is unrelated to ground reality as i am non-resident and not lived in india for nearly 20 years. i don't even know the characters and their parties. who is where and when. superficially i know right now it mob rule all over india ~ loot mar ~ my personal impression may be far from present reality. 50 years ago i lived intimately with many junior and student doctors in kolkata. i was fond of their association but avoided drugs and remedies and habits. my recent experience with them is unbearable for any association - unbalanced greedy professional gang robbers. i have removed them from my contact list and i stay away from their touch. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anil Manchanda Isn't there anyone in Bengal, or elsewhere, who can talk to both Didi and Doctors? • এখন আমি নেই dd consults quacks and pujari for her ailment...

subject one is with whom i spent three plus years sharing the same office he always came before me and left before me he would make some throat sound and i knew he had some question i have been researching on me actively from the age of 17 after i left home for college i was researching on me 24x7x365 every moment as background process just like i am doing now foreground is some parallel process ~ professional work driving writing fixing reading searching listening watching bathing or some daily personal work playing or sleeping dreaming walking cycling shopping ... i am split in two ~ jarasandha ~ stitching myself ~ public and private into one and healing at the same time ~ i stitch in public i really don't know what others do when they were broken he always waited for me to give him attention and would not impose he is believer professionally he had correct understanding of computer and had ability to decipher the hidden mechanism of its working ~ machine language orga...

i am ignorant about my body and i truly am superficial i do not believe in restoration but believing forgetting or not knowing even if i am informed though i lived among doctors but never looked for knowledge about me nor tested unless forced as a job or residency requirement many years i was eating garbage traveling all over US and i was suffering from lack of appetite i experimented with food and finalized on very simple diet of boiled rice lentils potato ghee green chilly and onion diet and milk and juice final was not final i was not able to hold this simple food for long to my comfort on my own i went to doctor for thorough test i was diagnosed with diabetes i learnt that i have an organ that produces insulin that converts sugar in blood to energy and my pancreas that produces the same given up producing the same thus all problem and i need immediate insulin now i have a problem with or without insulin my palms and feet starts burning and i remain awake many hour...

frankly i am very ignorant about nature of people but i have been meeting people and knowing people through out my life. i used to make conjecture but i stopped making conjectures now. i also do not believe in karma and dharma as such. i used to think or believe in fate; i don't. some say people never change after age 21. i have changed totally. i doubt me most. i cannot predict. one nature for me has not changed ever is my inability to compromise. i withdraw at the cost of ruining my dream relationship without making a single word or another attempt. my respect for truth me "man is bound by wealth while wealth is bound to none" these were exact same words repeated by bhishma drona kripa, penned by vyasa, for their service to duryodhan, ill gotter of wealth. it may be personal truth need not be universal. economists expected to be biased. was not chanakya? arthaniti! while universal is dharma ~ snake bites but it has no choice. unbiased are rare phenomenon. yudhisthi...

this story is again from mahabharata a purana keep bubbling in me whenever i am idle; i am idle always and without ideas i scan internet and others site for ideas i am fortunate to be in time of facebook and google since they have given me means to be myself ~ idle i fear nights and my sleep and horrible dream of being living in shit made by me and keep producing without end that i cannot clear ever what an exit plan from planet earth without no respect no expectation of seeing a human face of understanding result of my antagonism of dalai lama and even mother teresa ~ mother of all destitutes i saw the hell i am in and living in it after many hours now ~ i shall be ever since as long as living ~ in sleep in dream in awake i was asking what truth is their in scriptures - ramayana mahabharata gita upanishads that devoured for 70 years now if even one sentence is believable or remotely possible is it true ~ this trap of reality is inescapable only through hell into abyss...

My problem is irrational. i love. i love love. i do not get love. i got the dream from highest of highest place from the heaven from the sky from my own absolute owner who was till now providing love for 70 years and now kept me separated from love my only ingredient for living. hell i am thinking and thinking; and i have no solution. my life is insufferable. I am just momentarily ejected into space without hope without love. ma and chhorda are unreachable again and gates to their residence are closed. i am in the streets. stones dirts and shits. food untouchable uneatable drink undrinkable - straight from hell's kitchen. friends undependable - all sufferings ~ not sure how things are working for them. i may have their very temporary ears. a question. nothing more. i wake up what do i do now? i open my eyes but hell persists and real. i am in the hell hole in the abyss with no rope no hope of escaping. is it the sky - my permanent home without love? i kept starin...

theory and practice theory is sky practice is: it has existence and self balancing on pivot point ~ meru aim is: exist in sky sky is home ~ now then after ~ always and always the same ~ reality that cannot be escaped even for a निमेष যদি নয়। বাস্তবিক আমার মহাকাশ আশাহীন কিরণহীন চিরকালই শুন্য।। চাঁদ কখনো হাসেনা তারা কখনো জ্বলে না সূর্য কখনো উদয় হয়না সময় কখনো বদলায় না খারাপ কখনো ভালো হয়না চরিত্র কখনো বদলায়না অজানা কখনো জানা যায়না ~ সব দিক খোলা ~ ধরা যায়না ভাবা যায়না করা যায়না জানা যায়না বলা যায়না ~ সত্য কি

if i hide or avoid then who is going to face the reality for me? if i lack the courage to ask question who is going to ask the same for me? if i am not ready to face death then who is going to face the death for me? There obviously me and no one else but me and I have to do it today and just now. I have no option today but face my disease myself ~ i have to cook my food prepare my food buy my food and do everything myself taking no help from anyone I have been threatened directly by joya that she is going to throw me out from my own house and i must see for myself what she is trying to do. If i don't do who is going to that for me. she asked me twice for my tax papers ~ i have obliged and next time i refused. i cannot disclose my financial matters to her under no circumstances she asked me to sponsor shovan and manan for USA i refused telling them directly my situation she has gone ahead and done that herself with the help of soham; i am sure 99% i am sure 90% soha...

no mind no choice no option nobody cares has any feelings ~ owner has no consideration for my capacity to bear i am a puppet and worse i have to hear unimaginable words life long i have to see all unimaginable moments life long i have to sense all imaginable unendurable for life long and my end shall not be earlier i have to think whatever i am made to think i have to do whatever i am made to do i have to feel whatever i am made to feel exactly exactly exactly exactly .... i am the epidermis skin shoe or glove of owner till i am discarded useless and i am insensitive when i do not know i was not required but created to make suffer till i am worn off and given lesson to owner satisfaction i can not hope to see owner ~ i have to consume my world without remnants i am permanently silent permanently blind permanently deaf permanently senseless permanently idiot or permanently raving mad for eternal time my fate i know i was the last and i was let out  bar is clos...

i do not ever discuss sex with anyone including my spouse. i have touched no woman after my marriage. if any one accusing me about sex he or she must take lie detecting test to prove his or her accusation; and i too shall be taking lie detecting test to prove my innocence. About the matter of who converses with whom and how long must be established from phone records. one who is claiming knowledge converses 24 x 7 x 365 with any number of people and scheming. the same person bought a house in kolkata and maintains accounts in kolkata. she has threatened me many times that she is going to throw me out of my house. she discusses sexes with her children openly and makes references to my parental relationship and my relationship with my parents and any number of my elders with direct knowledge. i did not get married without even knowing her name or seeing her photo or talking to her. she was 30 years old. how can i be responsible for her marriage.    i alone have to do what...