when he is my problem where is my solution
he is my address he is my kin he is my will he is my home
he is concrete abstract : what is before ~ order given me now ~ only positive
fright doubt sanity insanity public private
my helplessness acceptance rejection loneliness ~ as is ~ no blame no grievance no fear no shame no responsibility ~ peace silence inaction indifference ~ inverse wealth value
my zero or no independence no free will ~ to do to think to talk to sense ~ situation is total helplessness
i have seen every bit of memory that i have retained in last 70 years
unforgettable are those where i was doubtful of my actions and failed
i could not very much accept my failure
i am exact similarity with vns accept for the fact i was not institutionalized
had i been i would have been surprised
i have suffered from extreme paranoia
inability to be discovered by another person my pathetic condition
i tried everything to stop me thinking except filling ears of pnm
i was fortunate to get away from baroda
i at least knew that i needed distance myself from disappointment
rejection did blow up my mind
everyone noticed it and i was hopelessly fuming at my inability to take as over
it was not over
i can never be not i
it is same me
pass or fail
sane or insane
happy or sad
insulted or not insulted
......
no matter what is the event
i have no option but live with me
even if i do not honor me
i remain all ~ bad despicable inferior inclusive
even if all is inaccessible to me and i am institutionalized or quarantined
even if my body is unusable for whatever reason
i an not abandon me ~ my body my mind my people even if they abandon me
i can only be eccentric unable to accept my situation
as i have been again and again
i do not have choice
no theorem of free will gives me free will to live without me
again sleep and dream
trying to solve my problem
problem of any dimensional space with me at center and all points are my perceptions and they are very painful (adjective).
i do not enjoy
it is waste of time and energy to reconceive them as pleasant
why should i
i have done that in past for my food habit to broaden my taste
can not i broaden my taste of people and do not bother
here is the problem
creation of perception of entities people and objects are pre determined without any consideration from me
my hurt is mine though and reducible
i am helpless about my perception
my states peace madness pain sorrow revulsion ~ nothing as per my tolerance limit
suffocating and madenning
i would like to avoid with all my resistance
it is impossible to live with
but helpless
ram
root for aram abiram asram ....
cannot leave body mind and people
crawling and eating till nothing left of my perception
he is concrete abstract : what is before ~ order given me now ~ only positive
fright doubt sanity insanity public private
my helplessness acceptance rejection loneliness ~ as is ~ no blame no grievance no fear no shame no responsibility ~ peace silence inaction indifference ~ inverse wealth value
my zero or no independence no free will ~ to do to think to talk to sense ~ situation is total helplessness
i have seen every bit of memory that i have retained in last 70 years
unforgettable are those where i was doubtful of my actions and failed
i could not very much accept my failure
i am exact similarity with vns accept for the fact i was not institutionalized
had i been i would have been surprised
i have suffered from extreme paranoia
inability to be discovered by another person my pathetic condition
i tried everything to stop me thinking except filling ears of pnm
i was fortunate to get away from baroda
i at least knew that i needed distance myself from disappointment
rejection did blow up my mind
everyone noticed it and i was hopelessly fuming at my inability to take as over
it was not over
i can never be not i
it is same me
pass or fail
sane or insane
happy or sad
insulted or not insulted
......
no matter what is the event
i have no option but live with me
even if i do not honor me
i remain all ~ bad despicable inferior inclusive
even if all is inaccessible to me and i am institutionalized or quarantined
even if my body is unusable for whatever reason
i an not abandon me ~ my body my mind my people even if they abandon me
i can only be eccentric unable to accept my situation
as i have been again and again
i do not have choice
no theorem of free will gives me free will to live without me
again sleep and dream
trying to solve my problem
problem of any dimensional space with me at center and all points are my perceptions and they are very painful (adjective).
i do not enjoy
it is waste of time and energy to reconceive them as pleasant
why should i
i have done that in past for my food habit to broaden my taste
can not i broaden my taste of people and do not bother
here is the problem
creation of perception of entities people and objects are pre determined without any consideration from me
my hurt is mine though and reducible
i am helpless about my perception
my states peace madness pain sorrow revulsion ~ nothing as per my tolerance limit
suffocating and madenning
i would like to avoid with all my resistance
it is impossible to live with
but helpless
ram
root for aram abiram asram ....
cannot leave body mind and people
crawling and eating till nothing left of my perception
show me any horrible reality dream i don't care if only i have a choice of any ~ death tolerance or silence but i am denied
if i make a vow it is made by himঁ if i break my vow that too is done by himঁ
i am incapable to even breathe think ....
i am incapable to even breathe think ....
who am i ~ i am i unfortunately courtesy himঁ i cannot be any other ~ even for a fraction of a निमेष
further in no manner i can receive anything from anyone that i am not already in my possession
what do i have ~ i have himঁ ~ i do not know about others but this i know
what do i mean by my innocence that i claim to know ~ i am unsure of any thing every thing anyone and everyone and i am sure about this
i can never know full stop
another interesting piece of knowledge i have about himঁ ~ he exists and not outside of anyone but inside and without him the entire edifice of me collapses! that himঁ alone exist!!!!!!!!!....
with this i have come to know or discover my innocence that over the years after 70 years i am innocent and besides more i shall never know after 7000 years if i happen to be around because of himঁ not letting me go
further in no manner i can receive anything from anyone that i am not already in my possession
what do i have ~ i have himঁ ~ i do not know about others but this i know
what do i mean by my innocence that i claim to know ~ i am unsure of any thing every thing anyone and everyone and i am sure about this
i can never know full stop
another interesting piece of knowledge i have about himঁ ~ he exists and not outside of anyone but inside and without him the entire edifice of me collapses! that himঁ alone exist!!!!!!!!!....
with this i have come to know or discover my innocence that over the years after 70 years i am innocent and besides more i shall never know after 7000 years if i happen to be around because of himঁ not letting me go
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