my struggle to capture my throne

in the absence of any other object or entity
i shall be struggling forever not only this lifetime if any if this dream still continues into several more in future
future shall remain a possibility unless i can eliminate all possibilities that i am not alone

if i am alone ~ i must be the dreamer and i must be all knowing about my world ~ all past all present all future and they are based certain hypotheses ~ he is very well aware of while i am not

the dream seer me is being manipulated by dream shower me

why

am i asking for dream

am i troubled in my world that needs resolution

this is true for example my uneasiness with my body ~ burning feet and palm and acute pain in my groin ~my assumption that it may have some simple solution ~ complex for me whatever that needs treatment ~ exercise medication research what causing ailment ~ all these i do not like to do ~ i have done it once and discovered my diabetes that resulted in complete change of diet

i am convicted 100% without doubt that me the showman is all knowing and all doing
he has no sympathy for the seer of dream and how painful it is for me
yet he is showing me the dream

i do not like to see any more dream ~ i have no more appetite to analyze his dream

I am him and me ~ both dreamer and creator of my dream in practice

if i cannot achieve this who and where i can get JUST NOW ~ I CANNOT WAIT

i want my solution
my solution to all my problem is simple ~ my death or my tolerance or my silence or my innocence always (i do not wish to think) as a result of any or all of my past perceptions full stop
nothing other than this acceptable to me

under no circumstances i can lose my innocence at any time ~ i cannot predict nor can i expect in case i do it is mistake and i would not recall again or remember 

i forget all and i must forget all always ~ i must keep this vow ~ i do not know and knowledge is not my option

• there cannot be any thought any word or any act of defense from me for any time to come
• there cannot be any anticipation from me for any time to come from any one
• i have no reason to knowingly associate myself with any kind of act of another person and i must remain aware and abstain from knowing
• i am prepared to face all eventuality without a word a thought a sigh a look a  hearing a touch a verification a taste or flexing a single muscle being dead or absent and not minding being so ~ it is my vow and i must keep as long as i am conscious and in my senses
• i perceive all without exception as they are without any further thought or investigation or action or word

no research on his dream
but then i got a dream today as a result of my talk with proloy
he sent a message saying he is worried about my condition
i got similar message from amal too saying he is worried about me
worries of others about me worries me
they must since there is none but me
it takes quite some time to digest others worries
they do not  or rather i do not understand that i cannot digest not only food but words
words are sugar for me my body cannot use it ~ converting sugar to energy if it is high ~ resulting in burning sensation from unburnt sugar in my palm and feet and elsewhere groin near joint blood vessels

i can take insulin to burn my sugar even though it is very painful for me
but how to burn words of others worry about me
they become dream
this morning dream is asif i am playing with meter box i am not authorized to touch
meter box belongs to somebody who supplied the meter and i have to pay as per meter
my body belongs to physician nurse etc. who would determine what i must eat drink or do
after seeing the dream i fell into the hole
i have made an appointment with a nurse who is going to go over me tomorrow

silence i definitely like to achieve but it is not given to me by him
i am a monkey making me talk and showing me dream and then making me analyze the same and then making me do so on ....

i have stopped being a playmate of innocents ~ i even started looking at them as not innocent and pained
cole does not talk and i have started looking at him as defective
what horrible feeling that i only know ~ it is indigestible

i am suffering ~ i am praying at him again please give me ability to consume ~ increase my tolerance limit

if you cannot the kill me but do not make me born again with the same problem ~ another life time of suffering
i cannot forget cole's face ~ he does not to read since he cannot talk ~ he understands though
i pray again please do not show me such dreams
please i pray remove his impediments ... please i cannot bear to see this cole ~ he is helpless and he knows
i do not like to explain cole saying it is his karma ~ i cannot digest this dream as is ~ it is my karma 
he is innocent and did no karma never unless it was done by YOU