number

number 1 is enough real to me to make all other integers
number 0 too was very real to me when my new shoe was no longer new and cannot be under my pillow and bed worthy for use
rational were good and real when i had to deal with coins and not having currency
e square root of two pi are useful irrationals when i got acquainted with distance curve and geometry
functions were pleasures of dreams
i did not have to imagine square root of -1 when curves in real disappear and reappear in patterns
i was happy with numbers and i was not worried at all with mathematics throwing up paradoxes
my mathematics in my daily pleasure needed paradoxes

afterall i am the sole owner of my world and it contains all even me even if it is my imagination
my sanity is not my problem

i do not have to sell me in my world

i may not love me unsold and i love not being sold that saves my efforts of talking about me

recently i again got immersed in cantor and his cardinal ordinal numbers
i again learnt peano's axioms rationals irrationals from dedekind's cut and completeness and incompleteness from godel
i looked at conway's generalization of dedekind's cut and getting rid of peano's axioms
i was not very thrilled by his ability to make it complete under addition multiplication operation and defining inverse of numbers of the same kind but different cardinality that of continuum
i did not care if conway could make it even though we already knew dedekind definition of cut is to create continuum

i did not try to cohen's forcing  that mademany comfortable to rest with ZFC set theory that continuum or axiom choice do not create paradoxes in any way

i am happy with my world with amount of paradoxes iand do not care to count them

i am happy that i have an existence outside my world and that does not change ever

i am happy with number 100
where me is 0 and i somehow have to regard my world 0 too
although i am very unsatisfied with the same thinking of mine
i wish i am healthy wealthy and wise
i am not happy either being one but outside my world forever
this does not add any weight on my stature and does not stop anyone to abuse me or humiliate me
and i have to bear in silence
without option
it is unbearable

I admit or not I have not earned; all including my dissatisfaction is given.

Someone makes all choices for me. I for sure know it is not me. 

My rebellion is my suffering.

do i have to be false always? can't i be real me when i wish to be? and refuse all intentions and compulsions and commitments? can't i pretend that i love all as one is without adding any of my spice?

so near yet so far? I have no solution to my problem. unless miracle. i am not lucky. my death i do not see in foreseeable future. Silence is absent in my life. i pray to almighty me give me silence and absence away from my family.

my free will ~ i must have my absence silence from my family ~ i cannot compromise till my last breathe 

My paradise is zillion birth away

It is same as Cantor's problem of ordering. what is the order of continuum in the series of alephs well ordered? he had a number very real and he could not position using intelligence and knowledge.

If I am not absolute who is absolute?