nowthenafter

the art of willing or the art of non living given that whatever i will that happens what i must i will. necessarily it has to be one and only one. if i wish to be immortal which most want to be. the reason of course one and only one. one's intelligence to see that surrounding is forever changing. although the constant being one ~ oneself. yet one does not mind changing world okay as long as it certain that i or oe seeing the same is present. not knowing however when the world may vanish altogether! it is practical to have the will to survive in case that happens!! every moment awake hence forward i must will to survive in case my world disappears. if in case i wish to be immortal. is there any reason to be immortal? i am not sure i am intelligent! i know my idiocy is frankly lot more happiness and sensible in my ever changing world. frankly any will any moment is a great compulsion or imposition on me to be something.  at this point i search my memory for immortals that ...

Nasreddin was walking in the book fair with a large group of followers. Whatever Nasreddin did, his followers immediately copied. Every few steps Nasreddin would s top and shake his hands in the air, touch his feet and jump up yelling "Supply Demand Price Policy!". So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing.One of the book sellers, who knew Nasreddin, quietly asked him: "What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you?" "I have become an Economist," replied Nasreddin. "These are my Students; I am teaching them the secret of wealth!" "How do you know when they have learnt the secret?" "That’s the easy part! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left – they know ~ they are Economists!"

i breath US air and I am not sensitive. I love US and its brand of Capitalism that manufactures genii and billionaires overnight! Google Microsoft Intel AMD ... AT&T are funded and promoted by those who apparently run the country. Their capitalism and  governance needs snooping every household. I have two Amazon Alexa snoopers. one for home and one for car. both are gifts, car is free from amazon. I have not installed it. The home one is dismantled. Everyone knows these listening devices are backended by human listeners only Indians. They are snooping tools used not only in US but elsewhere in the world.  I have seen Google to replace all other search engines; google was helped and promoted by Government and Capitalists in US. in every community school computers, Google was made the only search engine and that was before their IPO. Google, if it has become menace for US, is US creation. The same goes for Facebook. Many productive paid hours are wasted for US companies ...

money makes many happy. money does not make me happy anymore. in this twilight years i am not very sure if my extended lifetime shall make me happy. i find buying itself is very bothersome. often i have to plan in advance. my first hardle is to go outdoor. i need dress for outdoor. i must remember what i am going to buy. often after reaching the store i do not remember what i came to buy. the shopping list too is forgotten or i cannot find it. for hours i stroll stores to find out what i need. instead i wait and postpone my necessities till it is absolutely essential. lately i discovered all urgencies can wait. necessities are not necessarily necessity. better does not make anymore sense. surprisingly writing rubbish makes lot of sense to me. i am happy living in my atmosphere of unhappiness. my world as such is not happy place for me. when i write my rubbish, my darkness lifts and i find myself comfortable with my unhappiness. my eye doctor told me if i remove my cataract in righ...

rational inference is that nothing can happen when there is not anything. i cannot predict unless i am intelligent enough to predict. intelligence is not enough. i need knowledge of domain. in my case, this is knowledge of my world. as if my world is independent of me and pre-existing and post existence of me. [as of now i do not have any monetizing model to sell my thinking. i do not know if one exists and has capacity to part with bit his or her world benefitting from my world. as if my world has separate and shared existence with earthlings similar to me.] i ask myself an irrational question. when i am unaware of my world, who really keeps my world even in deformed existence, with parts that i am not aware of? Will my world survive without me? is my thinking necessary to keep my world alive? is my survival necessary for my world's survival? I am convinced my world existed before me! What is the necessity for me to know the world? i must not be making any difference to my ...

only yesterday i felt so great thinking that i have really thought something clever. so many is reading me and recovering from the shit hole and able to solve all their problems of life. by just reading me! no sooner i thought of the greatness of me. i was feeling dizzy. it took me twenty four hours and twelve hours of sleep to reduce myself to myself. ever since i am thinking how not to think ~ an automation. so many bright ideas ever since invading me and i am trying to kill them. my automation is just snuffing them. till this one.... i spend many hours thinking what good can i do for my previous country india. i do not read news and avoid even reading facebook posts. i don't have to. my mind is very bright to make a story out of one liners. air india is for sale. their first attempt resulted in nothing. one year after they are again for sale. who truly would like to take over air india except pilots. they are the only ones like me cannot live without flying. i of course f...

none besides gandhi viewed manpower or labor is essential to make India prosperous that includes ISI (communists) economists who manned planning commission. None truly invested any efforts to make Indian labour internationally competitive and worthy. E conomy remained stagnant Nationwide as a result and as a whole. Institutions, too including ISI, have no quality when reservation was introduced instead of merit both for students and staff. merit belongs to individual, and not of any community university or what degree one holds ~ higher lower caste religion region university ... frauds are easily created in any system of reservation or bias. frauds spreads like hyacinth in dumps. ISI became a dump not because of PCM but those administrators who came after him; all caring for their personal progress not caring for ISI as merit based institution. PCM never had any bias of language religion region or degree. Degeneration of ISI was inevitable. rabindranath sent his son rathin to study ...

i am happy being shadow when i am. the original, before me and the original after me, when gives me the awareness of shadow; i am just more than happy. the whole day i wait for my this existence of ghost of him. i glad to be ghost. the whole day, i wait for this moment, when i have to write for the good of people. while i write, i cannot correct any mistake however. not allowed. today i got a message from amazon publishing that my book is reviewed; and i may publish the same. mechanically i was doing, what i needed to do; when i noticed that amazon wants me to write about the book for its circulation. i added couple of thousand more letters. i am a man of letters. Then I just thought; why do not i make my work more intelligible to me. i was about to do that; but my hand was in iron grip. i am not permitted. often i find the will to good for people; the writer ganesh had more freedom than me while writing Mahabharata. he was permitted to understand; what was being dictated to him...

i have been reading ever since i learned alphabets. my first book, 16 pages booklet, was written by ishwar chandra vidyasagar in red cover in recycled paper costing one paisa from a daily open bazar of madhupur. my mother asked sejomama to buy. how i remember so much detail when it was about 67 years ago. i remember the excitement of having a book that was exclusively mine. it did not take more than couple of days to know everything it contained. i had enumerable question about two page story it contained in the end. gopal bit his aunty's ear for excessive love that spoilt him! i have read many thousands of books ever since. some hundreds i have possessed at any point of time in last 50 years. they were my possessions rather asset to display or talk about. once read it is over not to think any further. no book was for my daily reading. then why did i buy? my mother and her mother did read geeta everyday after taking bath and after puja. Some books once heard or read is enough fo...

my mother used to say that ocean takes nothing and returns whatever given. this property bears name reflexion. if in case it is instantaneous then it is called mirror; and if i see all around me whatever is my composition instantly what do i call if i wish to call ~ aakash ~ reflecting me ~ what i see is Brahman the name brahman for reflexion of me that i cannot see otherwise. i had a teacher D Khan who usd to teach us chemistry. Every class of his used to resonate with his booming voice describing the ability of Carbon atoms often to pair with other elements or itself forming molecules. 'carbon carbon double bond'. it had two vacancies in its cockpits to pair with and become molecule of itself or some other compound. origin of relationship on the basis of available accomodation. bonding. mother child. me and my world. aakash is mirror what i see is my compound ever expanding there is no reason it shall stop expanding  anytime in future. My world is growing and fore...

buddha i am not sure what it means but an image appears that of silence and stories i have read and never heard all that i know about buddha are images no lectures no words or explanation only fragments of incidence and stories and images of timeless time meanings of color white absence of me miracle of no miracle is there no miracle in my world is not all looking for miracle ~ cure from grief someone carrying the lifeless body of her child begged for life silent buddha spoke a fistful of rice from a house untouched by death is needed there must be one the grieving mother learnt in her world all has only grief to share buddha does not teach all his images teaches silence to any with eyes ever since buddha miracle

i did not exist to know the indian struggle for freedom. only as grown up i have read some history books written by tapan roy choudhury and others or else some eye witness accounts written in some bengali magazines. one such magazine had a story, i remember every time i hear 'netaji'. shruti. before leaving india forever subhas was in house arrest. he used to pace up and down silently in his elgin road ancestral house veranda. all his nephews were concerned but discussed in low tone. once one of them started criticizing gandhi reading a news item, for his superior politics to isolate subhas from congress. gandhi mentioned God in some speech ... this nephew was mentioning about that news item saying " ... after all his politicking, gandhi is invoking god!" suddenly pacing outside in the varanda stopped. subhas walked in. he sternly asked which of you were criticizing gandhi. everyone was silent and dared not to speak. subhas then again said, "in my presence in ...

He was my senior and research consultant in ORGroup when I joined ORG in early 1974. Genuinely loving and simple person. He was newly married and did not meet his wife. I used to frequently go to Calcutta and it was 2 days travel by train. I could hardly be there for 10 days. But i had to go every 6 months to be with my mother and spend time at ISI. I was too attached to ISI then. Lahiri da wished me to carry a gift for some new relation of his. Lahiri da and Papiya Boudi came to Station with the gift to be carried with me. She brought me some food. She was very attractive lady. The food was wrapped in some transparent paper. I did not notice till i dig my teeth on it. The house where i was to deliver the gift did not have approach road because of rain and mud. shortly after lahirida left ORG and joined ministry of science DSIR. I went to Delhi for some reason I met Lahiri da in his office. He retired occupying the same chair and office. He was heading the office. He was Phd in Geolog...

বাঙালি আমি তবে খুব কম জানি। বাংলার মাটির গন্ধ কখন শুকিনি। সেই সৌভাগ্য আমার হয়নি। সোনালী বাংলা দেখিনি । এ পার বাংলা বা ওপার বাংলা কোনো বাংলা ই দেখিনি। তবুও ত বাঙালি। বাংলায় স্বপ্ন দেখতেই হয় আজও। আমার পরিবার বাঙালি। গল্প শুনেছি প্রাণ ভরে যতদিন না ইংরেজি আমার পড়ার ভাষা করতে পেরেছি। তার পরে এবং অনেক কাল পড়েছি গল্প বাংলায়। এখন ও পড়ি তবে কম। ভাল লাগেনা ভক্তি আর গোড়ামি  পড়তে। কেন পড়ব  আবর্জনার কথা? আমার বাড়িতে এখনো শঙ্খ বাজে সকাল সন্ধে। ধূপের গন্ধ ও পাওয়া যায় তখন। তবে ভালো লাগেনা রং বে রঙের বিদেশী অবাঙালি বাবার পূজো তাদের পাঁচালি। নারায়নের ধার করা উপাখ্যান বাবাদের নাম বসিয়ে পড়া। বন্ধ করে দিয়েছি কোনো পুজোয় যাওয়া।প্রণাম করা। বন্ধ হয়েছে আমার পড়া বাংলার পুজো সংখ্যা আর বাংলা বই কেনা গত দুবছর। পড়াতো মনের বিকাশ মুক্ত বাতাস সেবন। এখন বংলা পড়া হয়েছে  শহরের আবর্জনার গন্ধ সেবন। প্রতিজ্ঞা করেছি মূর্ত্যুই আসল উপলব্ধি তার আগে বা পরে বাঙালি আমি নই। তবে পোশাক আমি বাংলা পরি। দেখাবার বা দেখবার কেও নেই। তবুও।। কতজন আমার লেখা পরে আমি জানি। দিনে দুই কি তিন । তারা কেওই বাংল...

a pornography writer can only think of brain transplant. a pair of married couples shot and wounded, undergo a pair of brain transplant and become a new couple. the story can be funny story and anything but pornography but potentially very modern scientific advance for society. male body with female brain. a female body with male brain. i am making medical surgery of brain dead replaced with live brain of opposite sex. sex vaccination or sex knowledge transplant. that may be solution of society's ills ~ me too and or rape. resulting in a couple with male body with female sex knowledge too. female body with male sex knowledge too. i think; it is possible to partially inject true male sex knowledge in female and vice versa. either by sex vaccination in brain or partial brain plant, that part responsible for sex. both sexes are thus equipped to enjoy joys of either sexes. a peaceful homogeneous society cured of all sex complaints and sex violence. no counselling is required. no ...

how could that blind deaf idiot know everything and definitely more than me without ever stepping out; meeting anyone; or going to school? i plan. today i know that i am made to plan . i cannot accomplish any of my plan till i am forced to sit with the fool sitting behind me making me do everything. all the mistakes; all omissions etc.... all the blame is mine. i have to take the blame and he makes sure that i do it most un-elegantly . QED. i am and have to write  this exercise . i have to complete it here and now. he is sitting behind me i cannot even have an excuse of making tea. is it so important! well i know , mulla nasruddin too enjoys no freedom while his donkey has all the freedom. mulla does not any longer sits seeing the direction his ass is going . back of mulla is turned in that direction the donkey is going. mulla is not under control while his donkey never relinquishes controlling mulla even for a moment. i was not fond of words in no language ever. poem ...

are the answers to problem on numbers is correct? i am confused. i am self taught but how do i become sure? i have none to certify me and i am long ago decided that i need no certificates. the year was 1974 february when i left school. my brother did not leave school nor he did anything to get any approval or certificate. completeness or self sufficiency and license to do the same. i have of course received many certificates of insanity and i receive them everyday without exception. i am talking of numbers. there is staircase of 10 stairs. I have limited vision or ability to climb the stairs one at a time or skip one jump to the next. how many ways can i reach the top of the staircase? the answer is 10th Fibonacci number.  f(n)= f(n-1)+f(n-2)for n>=2; f(m)=0 for m<0; f(0)=1; f(1)=1; this is recursive definition. f(2)= f(1)+f(0); ... f(10)=f(9)+f(8) n is number of stairs to climb. now, i have greater ability and can jump up to 3 steps at a time. how many ways...

name numbers values and absorbing barriers ~ i am talking about and i have the license to talk. i also know my license is finite and my lips shall be sealed in matter of days and hours. i am running out. absorbing barrier once i touch i am no more no incarnation forever absent markov i am told imagined random walk where a gambler with finite money in the pocket gambles for ever in a gambling joint till there is no money to bet. without money a gambler is has no entry. it is a fair gambling joint if he bets x or 1 he either loses x or 1 else gains x or 1. until he has no money and his existence too vanishes in the joint. my world is a gambling joint and i was born not knowing anything ~ what is my possession yet making a bet at every instance ~ unit of time ~ i am sure to vansh but how long would i live? i can't predict. i don't know after all what i possess. x=me, i don't know. every time i dig up my pocket i get 1 or nothing. if nothing then i exit. absorbing barr...

Once upon a time there was a war Selfishness against Unselfishness. It was 18 days long war participated by all earthlings. it was war of unequal strength. 11:7. it was a war of values: perpetuity against prosperity. Dhritarashtra (clutching nation) a born blind, selfish, ruled bharat well supported by many greats committed to individual perpetuity. The five elements essential for progress and prosperity ~ vision vitality intelligence independence and ingenuity were banished into wilderness for 13 years. Selfish was envious of their wealth growth and prosperity. they were united for life being married to unselfish purpose, an ever virgin beauty called Rapid Progress. rapid progress was adopted daughter of Dhrupad (Established and progressive or Firm Footed). He had another adopted son called suppressor of rudeness. Drona (raised on greens), once lived in poverty and a fellow student of his father, Dhrupad promised him half of wealth once he gets rich. Rich did not keep his promi...

raghu has a disease for last few months. he is lacking balance; like a drunken driver he cannot walk straight. he had taken many tests; again he is going to meet his doctor soon. i have been advising him a self treatment. he cannot understand me. yesterday i told him to administer a self medicine that he is going to take for next 24 hours. he is going to break his daily schedule; and avoiding everything he does and without any preparation and informing none. get up late only  when it is impossible to remain in bed; eat only when hungry and whatever; don't do all the MUSTs; all musts must wait for 24 hours; don't pick up phone. don't open email. don't talk to people; don't be curious; don't go to toilet till it is urgent; don't wait to complete; don't feel; don't read; Don't write; don't watch News TV ..... avoid avoid avoid ...... find out for himself that nothing really has happened to him that is worse than what is today. he has not d...

in my universes among all beings only earthlings are specials so much so unique. all earthlings are born with an unique language of their own and them correct every other earthlings to speak their unique tongue. impossible. every earthling, starting from birth device killing of every other earthling to conquer the planet. all of them know how to do it, all of them are suicide bomber capable of detonating the planet all by themselves. every other beings while do not know what is comparison. every earthling is born with a comparator to make them happy. it is the cause of every earthling's unhappiness. they have so many names for their unhappiness! shame fear anger jealousy .... recognizing themselves unequal! no being however in my universe ever heard of comparison. no beings know how to be unhappy. every earthling is born addicted to stone metal and something called number that is never visible and do not exist in nowhere. including planet earth. numbers needed to be writ...

i do not measure my success i am not competing even though i don't; some measurements are conveyed to me in person from my Self last night i again thought it would be some hard time to sleep. i watched film for two hours. a drank coffee. my mind wandering about my people and their activities. i do not ask; i only do as dictated by my Self. i am learning not to correct my mistakes even when i recognize them. some improvement. i am incorrigible and must bear my shame of being not acceptable even by me. last night i propped myself into about sitting position and allowed me to indulge in thoughts ~ no book no pen no conversation no computer no light no open window to look outside. i saw myself slowly sliding down my head into pillow that is about not present. i was taken over by sleep. did i dream i do not remember. i do not care to remember. after about 5 hours i got up. drank a glass of water and another four hours of sleep. my measure of me is now ~ a subdued collapsi...

absolute i am and i must be so in every moment i am living i cannot be drooling saliva hungry or lust following any for pleasure i am a lie and i don't wish to be framed or sculpted or icon for display or copy ~ i wish not to be a lie certainly nothing none is worth remembering ever again ~ i am absolute i don't have to talk ~ i don't have to think ~ i don't have do ~ i am absolute and i have no compulsion i recognize none and nothing ~ i am absolute and i am free i do not enquire ~ my acquaintance ~ my honor ~ my health ~ my wealth ~ my life ~ my future ~ my attachments ~ my mind ~ any or all of my loss ..... ~ i am absolute and none knows from me can i need a moment? do i need time to prepare myself to sacrify all my lies? do i need to complete some urgency?.... ~ No i am absolute now and always what is absolute? absolute cannot be eliminated changed reduced expanded reduced and immune to all known unknown objects in the sensible imaginable creatable ...

i am haunted when i go to bed. i was watching a film that of luxury and plenty and pomp that failed to keep my attention. i was haunted by ghosts and many of them. i knew that i have to live with them till they vanish. how long would it take. i am observing me. in case my head is on the pillow then i am not so much haunted and i would sleep quickly enough. if i am pillowing on my hand then it is question of time. i may have to write for hours to rid me of my ghost. i have to rewind my future and get rid of future of infinite possibilities. i declare inaction until my exit from the world that sticks to my feet as if part of my body. i have to declare it is okay even if i do not exit; and i live my anxiety or do not take action to prevent ill future. i do not prevent. it is my rule. i am self certified idiot. i am quite prepared to view ghost dance for any length of time ~ i am committed to create time as much needed for ghost dance to end by itself. soon i disintegrate. i am ...

my world is a painting. i have a canvas and i am creating a scene; some is my subject focus, say a child crying and running to find what she has lost; may be her someone with whom she had come to the bazar. i am capturing her unique expression of worry in her face. street and bazar has 30 persons around, i cannot neglect them. i have to capture them all and their business correctly. even when my focus is the child but why is she lost! it is my painting and it is telling a story i have grown and lived for 70 years in my painting. it is still being painted by me if i care and listening and seeing! i care to upgrade my painting. is it necessary? i have known many hundreds person and it is a bazar. all have some goods to sell or buy. i too am one such person. but i too have to paint correctly me the lost child as much correctly as every other person i have met. they define me and my search. all the familiarities i have lost and still losing. i have not read or studied einstein w...