nowthenafter

how can i make mistake? i can only make mistake if only i am given the scope? when no scope is given to anyone to make or do anything ~ everyone and everything is correct always. it is same monotonous living. last few days i am just watching bengali interviews in you tube and watching films. as soon as i recollect that i have watched it earlier i withdraw. i saw many hours of samia rahman rituparna etc. slowly i was without any interest. then there were many discussions on rituparna after his death. i strangely was moved sometimes. i remember about 8 years back i came across a serial of his on tagore perhaps. i enjoyed it lot. the name was ganer opare or something. i was moved.  strangely although i am very addicted to satyajit ray movies but i had not seen his apu trilogy. i did not have guts to view them. i have gone through very deep grief and i do not wish to go through the same again. even today when i am so fond of the children, i take care not to be attached...

i heard of her first time i think in 1966 when chhorda came to shillong after his studies. i think there was one letter of her marriage with tapanda. i saw her first time during my first year on the day of holi. we went to her residence behind our hostel. i distinctly remember tapanda ritadi with their child in their lap. they gave us some sandesh. they came to campus and was residing in staff quarters. i was student and saw more of her in the boys hostel participating in chess among others. vvmenon and ramakrishna were excellent players. i learnt quite a lot from them. ramakrishna gave me lot of books of chess puzzles and i used read them at night before sleeping. during my mstat i was fond of stuti and spent lot of time with her and ravi. ritadi asked stuti and me for dinner one evening. after my isidays i joined org baroda and i used to come frequently to calcutta but not on campus but to chhorda and ma living outside. once when i was there ritadi came for some reason and i...

ভয় ছোটবেলায় ভূত দেখেনি কিন্তু ভূতের ভয় ছিল। যখন ছেলে মেয়ের পার্থক্য বুঝেছি তখন মেয়েদের সাথে কথা বলা ভীষণ সাহসের ব্যায়ার তা প্রায় ছিলোনা। যদিও আমার স্কুল সব সময়ই মিশ্রিত স্কুল ছিল। কোনো মেয়ের কাছ থেকে কুট কথা আমার অসম্ভব ছিল। এখন অবশ্য ছেলে কি মেয়ে যারা কুট কথা বলে তাদের থেকে আমি অনেক দূরে থাকি। অসহযোগ। কিছু চাওয়া আমার কাছে অসম্ভব। ছোটবেলায় ধার নিতে যখনি গেছি সেটা যে কত বিড়ম্বনা তা আমিই শুধু জানি। বড়োহয়ে আমার সবথেকে ভয় এবং অনেক বছর ধরে আমার ভয় আমার বুদ্ধি নিয়ে। এই নিয়ে আমার সব থেকে বড় সমস্যা। এই নিয়ে আমার দীর্ঘ ৫০ বছরের সাধনা। আমি আমার শরীরকেও কখনো সন্দেহের চোখে দেখতে রাজি নই । সারির আমার অজানা এবং তা অজানাই রাখতে চেয়েছি। জীবনে দুইবার স্বজাতিত ভাবে আমি চিকিস্তার জন্যে ডাক্তারের কাছে গেছি। একবার বোধহয় ম্যালেরিয়া দ্বিতীয় বার ডায়াবেটিস। চোখ নিয়ে এখন কিছু সমাসিস দেখা গেছে ইদানিং। ভেবেছিলাম লেসার এ ঠিক হয়ে যাবে তা নয় আবার ছানি কাটতে হবে। মৃত্যুভয় শরীরের কিছু কিছু দরকারি যন্ত্র চোখ কিডনি হার হৃদয় নানান জিনিস খারাপ হয়ে যাওয়া নিয়ে কোনোদিন লিপ্ত হতে পারিনি। এখনো পারছিনা। আমি দার্শ...

I have not read valmiki cover to cover. i read stories and thought about them myself. i had known valmiki was not only writer of ramayan but interacted with ramayan characters intimately and had known more than the characters themselves knew. dashrath father of 4 brothers did not parent any child and was beyond the age of procreation. courtesy valmiki he became father through divine oracle. strangely we do not have any grandchildren except lav and kusha. we also do not see sita conceiving for 14 years she lived in forest with ram. but she conceived after staying one night in ravana's palace alone. ram did not know if sita's children were his and truly left that to be responsibility of valmiki to resolve and take care. valmiki could not but took the challenge and took the responsibility to bring them up so. Sita refused to take any public verdict of her children fatherhood. only valmiki is the grand grand parent and he did not pen. strangely sita too did not have any b...

my organs assuming functioning will be interacting with my world till each individually dead. so is for every creature organic in my world. inorganic or without senses do not sense or know of their existence or their surroundings. human have their theories for them too. logic or intellect is ability of carries out induction on those assumed having senses. I sense people when they are present. i induct they too are sensing same as me. it may not be true though. people are present they are sensing but i am quite senseless. i am sensing or not, i may be interacting with my environment or world even without knowledge. breathing emitting noise light warmth ... whatever emittable without even my knowledge. my world disappears when i don't know. in a darkened room or blindfolded and ear plugged i am not aware of my world. how much can i do for my world? when does my world vanishes if at all when my body is or organs not functioning any more? with my logic not working, i canno...

for all my life i am living in democracy and was very intimate. i have not lived outside democracy. i had known politics and also intently following not virtue of association but alternatives. i never much cared. i had nothing but then i was not very envious of any who had. i lived on hand to mouth but not demanding. even when i did not have i was not chosy. some of my friends had some political opinion. i simply had none. i lived within political violent time all around me. but no bullet touched me. at night i saw ghost like appearance who are doing surveillance and did not know why. funds are needed and how it is procured i did not know. they were perhaps collecting funds from businesses or wealthy in their territory. fight was against government hence police and armed forces. we used to stay in a rented house. eldest son was in police force perhaps. one night when i was returning home i found the family was waiting on the road for his return. situation deteriorated and center too...

dr utpal banerjee i had known briefly while i was in asci. he was hiring manager. probably it was ideal place for him. alas it was not to be so. he joined asci from tata steel he was their computer manger. shortly after joining he was relieved of his duty by acting principal because he made a foreign travel but without any result. we too were asked to quit as soon as possible due to cost saving measure. shortly after that i went to bahrain turning down initially in favor of new career move as economic data scientist for river canal based catchment area development for 50 plus years perspective. i had to abandon it and i do not blame anyone for my disappointment. while i was in Bahrain i received a letter from dr. bannerji he wished to visit me on his way to some other destination. i made the arrangement and i picked him up from the airport. it was very late night in a deserted island. i walked but came back by taxi to my place. i was living alone a few yards from sea. my stay in B...

sonada my second eldest brother is a very curious character. he was obsessed with one characteristic that he must win. every situation that he was in would be converted to declare himself as winner. it always blew out. my mother and my eldest brother borda are exceptions. it blew out with my father too. it did not blew out with me either. i would in fact carry him forward towards his perceived win ~ of course false! and show himself that he was bragging even when he was defeated. my brother kamal came after his masters at isi to live with us in shillong. sonada was living with satyada his friend for many years. satyada was totally opposite of sonada and he was totally silent. he would never reveal himself but puffing away his cigarettes. when alone he would pull up one volume of vivekananda from his collection of 13 and start reading. there was no question of having a fight with him. only game they played together was bridge when there are 4 persons. never ever chess. chess...

i remember this story of mullah mullah takes long walks at night in the desert. he heard some repetitive noise coming from the ground. he traced the source to find a darbesh dug the sand to make himself a room for lying down and emitting this noise. mullah: i am very scared and seeing ghost can i spend the night with you. darvesh: well join me but be very quiet since i am doing my prayers before going to sleep mullah went in the hole and lay beside him. after sometime mullah asked for water. darvesh: here is a pitcher and gave the direction to where mullah could reach a well mullah: i am very scared to go out. ghosts are out there to break my neck. i am thirsty my mouth and throat is dry! darvesh very reluctantly got up to go and mullah called him back. mullah: while you are away i am defenseless in this hole to be attacked by anyone. leave me with your dagger please. darvesh obliged. after a while the darvesh was back with water but mullah refused to let him in the hole. ...

i wrote on albiruni some days ago but i perhaps deleted the same; and i cannot find that. i even stayed away from facebook for about two days. i could not tolerate mis-statement made about cooperation received by india from soviet block in both atomic electronics and space technology due to indira gandhi. many do not wish to admit the same because of many actions taken by ig touching their personal life; and after her death riots of killing of sikhs in delhi. s s ray was able to delete naxal in west bengal and sikh militants in punjab. if nothing else them and the thumping defeat of pakistan and bangladesh liberation were greatest contribution from her to the subcontinent. i wrote many sentences on al biruni's critical observation on intellectuals of ancient india who saw the creator and also solved the puzzle of creation. it was so simple that no religious development could dislodge the truth. truth is eternal and so is the creator. wrongly albiruni observed while socrates di...

i am absolutely helpless about now

না করাটা করা এবং সত্যি না বলাটা বলা এবং সত্যি না দেখাটা দেখা এবং সত্যি না শোনাটা শোনা এবং সত্যি না ছোঁয়াটা ছোঁয়া    এবং সত্যি না ভাবাটা ভাবা    এবং সত্যি না মনে রাখাটা মনে রাখা এবং সত্যি না চাওয়াটা চাওয়া এবং সত্যি না পাওয়াটাও পাওয়া এবং সত্যি মিথ্যা কখন সত্যি হয়না সত্যি কখন মিথ্যা হয় না এখনই একমাত্র সত্যি সৎ কাজ করতেই হয়  মিথ্যা করা বলা ভাবা ..... অসম্ভব  কারণ আমি যে সত্যি  যা এখন তাই সত্যি আর সব মিথ্যে সত্যি কখনো তৈরি অসম্ভব  কারণ সৃস্টিকর্তা  যা হবার তা হবেই হবে আমি কোনোকিছু করেই তা বদলাতে পারবোনা  আমাকে করতেই হবে না করা এবং মনে রাখতেই হবে  ~ ভুলে গেলে যাবো তাতো থামানো যাবেনা  জানামতে এক জন্ম পার হয়ে গেলো। ৭০ বছর কম নয় এখনো বুঝতে এবং জানতে বাকি যে আমি অপদার্থ আমার দ্বারা কিছুই সম্ভব নয় ।যার কিছুমাত্র জানিনা  সেই সব করে ভাবায় দেখায় করে আমি শত সহর্ষ বছরেও সেই ক্ষমতা পাবনা কিছু করতে পারবোনা। মনে রাখা বা ভোলা আমার ক্ষমতাতে নেই। আমি সর্বাংশ মিথ্যা  i must always ignore no matt...

in my childhood i lived in chittaranjan. chittaranjan most streets are numbered except one. Prashanta avenue where lived for nearly ten years. another 5 years in street number 1. in this street quarter number 1A lived my best friend then subrata along with his 10 siblings and many goats. he was not studying in my school and one year senior. both were attending the school leaving final on the same year. his was higher secondary 11 year school leaving and mine was high school leaving a 10 year episode. mine was morning school and his was day school in the same building. my neighbor ever since i remember was khuku malabika first daughter of haraprashad banerji. i was very fond of khuku's mother who used to tell us stories of films. one such film was bahauddin huyen. it was about a woman who had 20 children. she was laughing beautiful woman. i was separated by not so wide drain. i used to wait to be assisted to cross the drain to reach her house. khuku was my classmate. we used to g...

my association has ended with all known human in Columbus. this morning i was informed demise of susanta da who was in hospital for about a month. he was joya's best friend's husband. they were insisting me to go along with them to kolkata. but my india has died. this morning joya got the message from his daughter. he bought a mercedes luxury car about two months back and shortly after that he had a fall and his bones gave away. last week i took his wife for weekly groceries  and greens shopping from indian chinese shops. she said that he was just silent and watching. for last 5 years we were eating kali puja celebration at his place when 300 guests used to eat dinner and prasad at his place. in his insistence i used to go there but i informed him that i do not believe in the intention of puja. it is false devotion but greedy display of hunger for money. I could no longer tolerate. for many years i attended kali puja celebration yet again performed by pranab da. he was husban...