nowthenafter

love is a word with meaning for me. i imagine an extremely beautiful person unknown to me has time unlimited for me and i am welcome and not antagonistic or criticising me. Cole I love he is ever smiling and seeking to play with me and has no urgency to do anything. I again feel sad about Cole although he is perfectly happy with me but I am not. He does not like when I ask or demand vocal response from him. He does not like it. My game with him is not complete unless he speaks. I become sad that he is falling behind in learning language and the many aspects of language used for communications. ability to recreate melody rhymes words and meaning. not that cole does not understand meanings of words or unable to know different sounds. he does understand. but he preference several level pitches and duration of one sound -unh. some times long ago i heard emitting sound of passing car. i heard him calling me once uncle. i have heard him baba and mama god when last. while he like toys. l...

he was 4 years senior to me and was not living in hostel. in m2 there was a new specialization of biostatistics; he and dcrao  were two who were enrolled and taught by crrao, the lord of isi. there was a barren field at 205 btroad. it was cultivated to become a paddy field; them two were found there most of the time. long before that till 1964 there was one person called jbshaldane who started research in genetics in isi but left after some problem with pcm the almighty of isi. tadavis skroy rlbrahmachari and others - some students of haldane taught us biology biochemistry biometry etc. in our bstat years. i suppose all these science branches were set up by him only. he also designed bstat curriculum. restart was done by crrao with dcrao and ranajit chakraborty while i was in isi. i am not in touch with isi after 1974. i did not enter isi campus after 1983. i did not know what became of biostatistics and its rebirth. i met ranajit da in 2007 first time at detroit nabc along ...

my preference is the word truth for creator. truth was there before planet earth and its human population, man made world - mathematics, astronomy sciences and technology theories and reasons. creator got created from truth only when something or someone got created say brahma vishnu mahadev or shiva even if they appear all by themselves if they happen to be true. but they are related to my world and they partially rule three aspects of my world - its birth existence and its demise - full or partial. they beings so and attached to world ~ science and technology or simply human efforts can achieve results such new kind of organisms new art new technology new robots new utilities; and their viability for some duration in timeline; and ultimately their disappearance. they may be regarded as boons granted by gods of three different kinds as above. however truth is none of three kinds - it is all pervading and permanent and substance of all - living nonliving organic inorganic theo...

conventionally logic plays great role in communication. however any communication if not pleasant to one's ear is not listened. my friend Cole who is active smiling and making some noise is limited to some sounds of same 5 different kind. it is his vocabulary. although he has perfect listening capability, he is not at all interested in creating sound that may require waggling of tongue. he avoids to echo sound that requires vibration and manipulation of tongue. soham too did not speak for about three years. although his reading habit is audio and he copies ohio dialect it is very hard for me to follow his words. i am hard of hearing plus i really cannot follow american accent. logic such as induction and deductions are used generally to predict events based on happenings in the past. police catches some as culprit; juris deliberates on evidence and hearing and concludes guilty and not guilty. judge compares with previous judgment and hands out punishment. what really is chance o...

my consciousness has three parts: bottom line ~ the river Saraswati below bottom line above bottom line at the bottom line i have no need and i am in harmony with both sides of me i am silent i know that i don't know ~ knowledge of truth ~ peace below bottom line is truth by saying that I mean it is always it is unchangeable i am absent i don't know ~ truth above bottom line it is false by saying this i mean it is transient and lesser than moment duration passing thought or imagination or game i play with myself only it is my noise reaction intolerance indigestion pretense or any word it has no meaning no consequence no cause its cause is one and only one my false identification with my past imaginations ~ my memory ego i know ~ falsehood ~ blindness to the reality that i don't know and i assume ~ excitement it is impossible to survive above the bottom line even for a moment it causes my need my expectation my activity Question: do i have t...

I got up from an hour long sleep. I inherit my world from where I left. Cups of tea. Food I ate. Words I wrote read and talked created the world I inherit now. Even if disown my past completely. I have now as my starting point. Question I ask me what can I do for my world? I borrow from Robert Kennedy, 'ask not what your country do for you but what can you do for your country'. As usual I remember a story from Mahabharata; Jayadratha father went to seek the goal of making to heaven himself after securing the long life for Jayadrata with a boon from Shiva (?) that anybody removes the head of Jayadrata, would result in removal of his or her head. The boon resulted in disaster for both. head of Jayadratha was thrown into lap of his father and without realising what he was doing he threw it in the ground and became responsible for Jayadrata death as well as death of himself. What can I do for my world? My world is very small. My wife and two children who are grown up now...

the aftermath of disaster caused in split seconds in japan by atom bombs are 150 thousand dead and two cities destroyed with millions suffering. hypothetical statistics. i was born after conflict and the aftermath of partition and creation of two countries out of one. and then afterward 3 out of two and 4th is in waiting for 70 years now. Kasmir. farway from safety of home i idly hear about fights in iraq that took place without any reason but only due to personal greed by couple of people, Bush supported by Blair. History was written and still in making. we destabilized the middle east. we created another country a short lived one ISIS. that terrorized us for 10 years now. as country, now i am told, is reduced to a size of village but once it was greater in size than UK. I am hearing news again sitting in my arm chair with little concern, that 6600 from western country fought on behalf of ISIS and 6000 have returned home. 600 remaining is cause of concern news reading public. whe...

intersection is union when i was in school for 16 or 17 years i did not know Set. i learnt addition and other arithmetic operations. now a days arithmetic operations are rarely taught. it is not required to know. cell phone has it all. I am from a different age. counting age. in schools now, sex in fact many kind of sexes, are taught. very old about to die supreme court judges are taught sex and different kind of sexes and they must go to school starting at kindergarten i am sure not if they would be able to assimilate all these at their age. preferably SC judges should be from all existing sexes. intercourse are no longer required to create a zygote that developed in the womb of a female of species in the olden days. no longer now. we have about 7 sexes as counted by tralfamadorians and predicted to be many more in next decades. SC judges are required to know all the sexes but can they learn what students in kindergarten know from their parents who are of seven different ...

I listened to jk over two hours last night. how much did i follow except that much i knew already. how much such talks help any? how much my talks help any? I shall simply won't know. the intersection of my premise with anybody living or dead is empty set. in other words as much as all is false so they are for anybody. the excitement and pleasure of eating drinking sex or conversation or any doing my own and not transferable to any living or dead or in future.  there is no pot of gold or rasmalai anywhere in the domain of my perception no matter how long and devoted i am in my search. i have to do without gold or rasmalai and eat grass or use credit card unashamedly having no ability to repay my debt ever. the net weight of universes in all unit of scale remains for ever same ~ empty space. so is also networth of my knowledge is the same always ~ i do not know. it is available for sale $100/hr + expenses. unless one pays he won't benefit.

I have to live with capitalism and cannot escape it is divine I have to live with poverty pollution malnutrition general deterioration of earth for organisms living in this planet I have to live with politicians creating moral destruction of human values subverting tolerance and coexistence I have to live with proliferation drugs that is making human subhuman ....... all is divine and I have no option but live and accept divinity of devil and it's immortality and capacity to ruin my peace of mind and health

i am into upanishads from 1974. I read them thoroughly and they are in my mind. their written words are embedded in my mind. i also read puranas ever since i had known alphabets. their stories i remember more than multiplication tables. i was taught upanishad by one teacher - chinmayananda. he sounded authentic. i have seen one practitioner, as far as my actual experience goes, who is prepared for everything the planet earth can offer. he spoke one sentence saying the same. he has no need for words or clothing or protection or coverage from society or nature or calamity. he had no possession. I had read few authors completely who were upanishadic scholar. one is aubrey menon. his every words is written in my memory. i have read all words from ramakrishna available today. I have read all words from jiddu krishnamurti. jk is certainly very original and he was essential element of my backbone. he taught me to be myself first and last. <i am solution to all problems in my life...

https://hi.wikipedia.org/wiki/शतभिषा After my daughter was born i searched for her name in almanak. with limited knowledge of star I looked for a name imagining she came from outside solar system and name should be feminine and strange. The name stuck to her ever since. I did not know its meaning. About couple of years later one tantrik raghu's friend came to my house who told me the meaning. Hundred truths in one; my interpretation is one hundred percent truth. unlimited hundreds of joys that I perceive as such expression or composition of one truth ~ me whom i do not perceive. i see what i wish to see and i am rewarded. i see me always and incapable of seeing anything else. all without exception is one hundred percent me ~ composed of my love only and nothing else.

this morning i got very agitated with a dream. i have gone to purchase a thing magic piece of electronics  with 10 gb storage with various other capabilities for wireless communication. i do not know why i needed it. in fact i was intending buy one more for chhorda. i had to ask him. I shared with the seller my IDs etc. when I came back to him, he has lost all my Id and credit cards etc. I was very agitated. not so much to lose my temper or balance. It was about 10 am. I needed to do few morning chores plus check up my sugar. The dream showed my reasons for excitement - my needs : my credentials, my finance, my urge for communication, my attachment with past, my family, my considerations for others. my status: good news is that the dream excited me however this did not throw me off balance - shouting and fuming and trying to reestablish my control when i find none and nothing have any concern for my reasons for agitation. I did not try to make my presence felt. i checked...

fundamental superficial both are same they both dance before you for your attention in different disguises fundamentalists assume fundamentals are the support for all hence there is nothing more to know lover of superficials they assume anything and everything they dress in any manner and do not insist in knowing at the end of night i dream everyday it is time to get up and my lesson for the day is over rest of the day i shall be pondering about the dream it is my second visit of bahrain after 40 years i do not have the address of the place i am staying i have come to office but very uncomfortable of two things my accomodation and my food bahrain is responsible for providing both in return of safe keeping of their system continued functioning i visit sayed ali and embrace him to solve my problem the surface the world i inhibit are indivisible me and made of me what is that ingredient the composition of all of my world fundamentally and superficially wha...

Amitava is very live in me and i would do everything to discover him. he was for about two years my classmate. he was very talented singer of hindi songs and very friendly. i think it was in 1971. I was going to chittaranjan i met him at asansol station. i invited him to come  with me. in chittaranjan he had a relative and we ate lunch at their place. his uncle was very proud and all praise about his son doing phd in control systems in some usa university. he brought a file and started sharing paper cuttings about his son. he had two beautiful daughters. one was at home, the youngest one. searching for amitava i started hunting down on this person in usa. i knew his name. i located him in texas. He is a professor in electrical engineering. surfing some more i located him in facebook. apparently he is a musician too. however i was not very successful to locate his two siblings. i located some names but i am not sure.  i still use google for my daily out pour. today i receiv...

i do not mind helping when asked but do not corroborate anymore when i come to know where it is heading for. long ago perhaps in my first year in isi i learnt how to estimate number of fishes in a pond. procedure is practical. catch say 50 live fishes and mark them and throw them back in the pond. cast a net and catch say X number of fishes. count the number of marked fishes in them. estimate the number of fishes to be caught to get all 50 marked fishes. What percentage of indians IT practitioners in USA are not IT practitioners. I have already read in Indian news paper - Economic times that 95% of Indian IT graduates have not done any programming in life and non programmer. In my daily life of withdrawn personality I still meet people whom I do not like to meet. Not knowing is not sin - I know. many successful and active teachers teaching what they do not know. They have degrees and papers and books but they are fake. Some of them are emeritus professors in reputed universities...

i surf the internet searching for people i had known and i also call people over phone to find out places and people i had known and shall never visit again i order dresses and books; i shall not have time to wear or read. i often end up buying multiple copies of the same. i do not find student or contemporaries from my primary school. they have disappeared. i was in the primary school for five years. i was average and my position was within first 4 but never first or second. biswanath stood first 3 times and sudip surojit remaining times. sudip continued with me for two more years and later he disappeared. while in college when i used to visit chittaranjan; i met bhaskar several times then. he was a very good friends. biswanath i met once and he was studying medicine then, he regretted that he had no more in touch with mathematics. he is still near chittaranjan and a family practitioner. khuku a girl classmate and neighbor dropped out of school because of illness.there were o...

instinctively i followed my dreams and often interpreting them wrongly. most important dreams are nightmare when i wake up sweating with fright with impulse to prevent such dreams in future. however i dream them again. it is logical to review to analysis since my analysis not correct. it take long time from my experience to be comfortable with unknown. one may say it is natural to fear death. what is natural about it? it is as such the fear of unknown. it takes time to digest a phenomena not witnessed so far. it is not digestible at least for me. I cannot digest that i am without senses for time to come. although i noticed my absence perhap just prelude to the nightmare - i am trapped in an unknown and as far i logically think there is no escape from unknown. a scenario of quake or mud avalanche the earth's surface is rapidly changing and i can never conceivably come back to any known and familiar past - place and people.  i wake up - no solution to this proble...

several months back i was asked by some of my guests if i am to cast my vote for president again, would i cast on trump. i was peeved at trump on his choice of cabinet and governance. nothing seem to work. there is too much of negativity in the air. the agenda is continuing even after 2 years of election of President as it was 2 years before election - 'trump is not presidential'. clintons obamas and the whole of democratic party could not derail trump from becoming president. agenda is still on. if i cannot be president then i shall not allow anyone to function as president even if he is the president. the world is seeing the drama that is taking place and enjoying it at the expense of america. my choice at the next election is clear none from Democratic party. that party is a hoax. clintons obamas are jokers with misaligned personalities. if trump is biased by his family, democrats are deranged personalities - self seeking self promoting; there is no place of another indiv...

me me me wherever i look whatever i see it is me when i sleep it is me when i dream it is me when i am awake it is me my world is endless mirror reflecting me whatever i read it is my words whatever i think it is my thoughts when i am at peace i only see and feel peace everywhere in my world when i am disturbed i only see madness and disturbance all around me when i am absent all is absent there is none and nothing but me forever and ever i am pure inexhaustible divine bliss my home is sparkling fresh inexhaustible supreme living i try heard i cannot remember a sound from yesterday i try hard i cannot say a word about tomorrow my world is memoryless observation less characterless my home has no expectation no behavior no boundary [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cauchy_distribution https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cumulative_frequency_analysis i can count. in an unknown place i am observing maximum rainfall in a day and charting cumulative frequency (%) durin...

i have often talked about cycles that i see apparently everywhere since i am circling about my center and like a typhoon. i have often talked about gitagitagi.... two words are forever linked together inseparably renunciation and harmony i have talked often about jugalbandi where two musicians in two two different instrument play the same music inseparably in continuity i have talked about two other words linked end to end ramaramara.... while means anondo and other means death there is a music in the air blowing nonstop and we are listening to the same non stop all our life and i have a lifetime it can be as long as i need to practice harmony with the same i need practice my absence listen to the music that is i the air non stop i practice stop of life activity to be living on the joy of listening to the music all the time i reach a different reality it is not divided but a single one musician music and the listener are united whole joy is death is silence is living ...

most statistician think gambling joints are research laboratory for their theories and they have far too many of them in their fantasy. Economists fantasize with demand supply price and their inter relationships. Money is their central point of their fantastic theories. Politicians promise forever good days of comfort to people for support for their own comfort. Common people like me love not to worry of future and long for very very long future in waiting. people in general like to gamble for longer stay in this planet. it is a fun planet with unending untiring store of fun truly. people fast save exercise study works write sing cry and pray .... all activities is intended to secure  prolonged their hypothetical stay in this planet. time though is standing still in one point only without any variation. while we keep counting sun rises and tick off days seasons years counting as passage of time. predicting our demise in near future. it is as if the end of all fun. it...

some suppose all is variable say we are all living in a cesspool any dimensional and real without boundary each organism in the cesspool has one other dimension inherent to it past future without boundary and currently now they are all variables we can further imagine a variable is at the origin of this time-any Dimensional cesspool it is real absent and constant a hole at the center of the cesspool i give it a name absolute it is the cesspool i have at last conceived after trillion thoughts i am trying to make it concrete abstract invariant of time and thoughts absolute is constant at any clock time one does not hunt him down but check its own coordinate with respect to it similar to geostationary satellite perhaps from us relatives we get exact details of absolute it is me my given name and my name being kankan roy born in .... parents being .... date being .... i am a relative of absolute popped or born out of absolute in course of time and travel i have c...