nowthenafter

There are words from my brother Kamal they still haunts me. He once called me romantic nearing his death. I did not realize his nearness to death. He knew of course but it was not visible in face or words etc. My knowledge was not enough to predict his stay in my world. He tried to convince me telling me it is his honest struggle for survival and I must respect its holiness. I misunderstood completely. He called me romantic then. He also said I am romantic all my life. I did not know then he was incapable to do all metabolic functions needed to survive. Breathing Blood Movement etc. included. His mind and memory and intellect and sensitivity were active. But he was unable otherwise. He could read write and sense. I was romantic as if that is enough. My knowledge is my blindness. Knowledge is not necessarily power. However knowing I am incapable of learning is power.

There is no recorded history for Purana authors Veda Vyasa and Valmiki. It is only extempore and it is written for the purpose dissemination in local vernacular for contemporaries; and them survive thus without being read from originals. I have reading writing abilities in some vernacular but not Sanskrit the original poetry was written many thousand years ago. The idea was to envelop entire subcontinent or Indus Ganges valley into believing a purpose life and destiny to a superlative consciousness of oneself. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adi_Shankara However, Adi Sankaracharya, very strong intellectual unparallel, rediscovered all Puranas and Veda Vedanta Upanishads  Brahma Sutras from Sanskrit singularly alone. He commented on them with a very sharp eyes so that in cannot be misinterpreted ever again. His boldness is unparalleled. He not only transformed society wherever he went, he retrieved them from charlatan and black magicians and temple priests whoever living on s...

Vultures circles high up in the sky cannot be seen perhaps in naked eyes but they locate a carcass or body and swoops down lands near the body of departing soul. Once upon a time I used to read Nikos Kazantzakis. He used to depict greek villages with bold unmistakable stroke. The one that is written in my mind the scenario prior to death of some old widow. In black morning dress women folk of the village would surround the departing soul and start wailing grief and impatient of the death. They are waiting to rob whatever is left of her possession. Often the move fast to grab some household items or left over and there is competition. I saw this scene in Zorba the Greek film. In Purana story of Mahabharata, Dhritarashtra is the blind King married to Gandhari who blindfolded herself in order not to supercede her husband's ability. Her brother Shakuni, Vulture, descended to wipe off Hastinapur leaving Gandher permanently. Gandher or Kandahar known for sculptures without much reso...

I am all words images people entities objects .... without exception. I devour and digest all without exception at once  as is   leaving behind nothing  ~ me my knowledge my world my necessities my reasons my loss my apprehensions my anxieties my  urgencies words unacceptables sounds violence destructions jealousy animosity disturbances un-consumables hatreds sorrow disappointments hardships impossibilities insults fears emotions necessities intolerables hunger thirst poverty insolvency suppressions poisons shocks illness pains deformities unusuals abnormalities insanities abuses calamities attacks suffocation death expectations knowledge past present future repulsions sufferings boundaries limitations incapacities ..... . I eat my knowledge and people at sight. I am absent. I cannot be present. I cannot be present in any guise. I eat all my guises. I eat all my pretensions. I eat all my reasons. I eat all my legacies. I am absent and my falsehood is ...

what is best? Innocence is the supreme knowledge for anyone hungry for scholarship and knowledge. Silence is the best and only answer for all questions. Who am I and any question about me? I am the result of my deeds - Present and Absent - always. Absence is the only home for Present - Now - my visible appearance. My Best action? Knowing that don't know, my best action is already done. All is me. Once I visited Columbus Zoo, I watched a guerrilla family - six or more away from their living quarters sitting in various position near the glass spectators' gallery. Strangely all of the still and statue in various poses. Some with open mouth eyes open but not moving. Nothing moving absolute still - all of them. Spectators were 30 or more - moving around and they were touching the glass wall of the viewing gallery but none of guerrillas was seeing even with their eyes open sitting adjacent to the wall. I have seen such stillness in other animals too in another zoo. Cin...

Can I describe? I shall try? I was dreaming a long dream - I was looking for my result of proficiency but it was withheld. I could not get even little morsel out of the whole institution. My name followed by recognition as my brother followed by comment result withdrawn. I went around person to person but the status - HOPELESS.  I knew in my position being the owner of the my world - I have to stomach this and come out. This the alternative. I slowly came around to senses. Eyes closed I started feeling the return of senses in some part of my body. But nothing urgent to come back to life. I remained motionless and I told myself till I am moved. For curiosity I opened my eyes to see the time. It was not yet eight. I remembered basin full of unwashed dish. Nothing is allowed to be strain since I am committed to be alone. I remembered my decision to tell my son in monotone what is last date he may count my support. I needed not tell him. It was not required. I have no feelings...

Strip strip … strip Renunciate renunciate … renunciate Go without all – people place sanity food drinks words thoughts breathing heart-beats senses life values money possessions relations knowledge memory god faith addictions need …. Nothing is left Truly? But how I was leaving all these? What is the limit of me? Not this not that not … All is a branch – from what? Do I know the limit? yes and I like to describe - intellect I was born with - the original. It is the immortal mother of my world. Mother strokes my world to sleep, Plays with me in dream. Talks and cares me with my world. The original - the mother is permanently in empty space in my heart - unbound and unlimited. There is none and nothing only bliss. Only me. Now. Yet, I drink eat see sense breath fresh new divine bliss cooked with my knowledge (poison) by none but only me. I am my incurable disease.  I appeal to my original - let me not consume poison anymore - take away al...

I saw her last about 16 years back when she stayed with us along with her parents for a week. I saw her first in 1984 when she visited Delhi along with her parents and younger sister. She was then 5 years old. Our residence in Delhi was an old shabby place. She was very imaginative and asked me to lift her and show the inside of a basin. She possibility expected to see some spirit. They lived in UK. I had never been in UK. When I was in Kolkata they lived in Kolkata for about two years. She studied in some american school in Kolkata. She used to sing Rabindra Sangeet with a melodious voice. Her parents were unnecessarily sophisticated and complex and imaginative of different kind. They were great show off. It is difficult living for her without choice. They had circle of friends in Kolkata; they were too of same kind. Her father was pathologist in Bellevue Nursing Home then; and he is mortally scared of Pollution. All the windows were forever closed to keep away polluted atmospher...

I have come to my end ~ i have no abilities left in me to motivate me to write this blog or keep in motion any part of me to go on as per my wish. I have no abilities in me to even have a single wish. I have exhausted my mental physical intellectual financial resources. I can not learn or forget. I can no longer capable of taking care of myself and my metabolic process. I cannot communicate. I have no abilities left in me to eat drink breath talk write move learn or wish I am useless to all including me. I let go my reins ~ I cannot even have my last wish - far too much abilities needed that i have no more I no longer survive anywhere

Under the forever open cloudless sky floating in the bottomless transparent ocean under me, surrounded by invisible horizon alone ~ I am denied storage of any word sound or meaning anywhere not even in my cranium.  Not even this. I am silent by my own resolution and have no use of words sound symbol image ever or to recall ... I am needless whole without .... I me my ... wishes .... words ... meanings ... all unsupportable ... invalid ... False None and nothing is stoppable erasable expectable desirable preventable modifiable touchable storable repeatable forgettable nameable .... wordless ....  soundless .... imageless ... home is empty no words no knowledge no intelligence no sense no memory no entity no perceptible no me no nothing ~ eternal Can I leave home in search for home? Can I be curious? My tune my magic mystic spell travels far and wide everywhere none and nothing is exempted ~ all is my home all is me all is bliss divine and divi...

some knowledge is permanent ~ Dharma we have seen instances of persons born with some faculties or memories very strange. This phenomena can only explained by rebirth or immortality. Plainly speaking by assuming a store of records of experiences of terrestrial knowledge that is not destroyed by death ~ completely mystic ~ may be called Dharma or Akashic Record ~ not terrestrial Without this no genius can ever be born I do not like to be reborn as genius ever How do I prevent my rebirth Like everyone born I too am immortal I too have a store of knowledge in nothing - empty space of my own - what do i store in it that prevents my rebirth again ever - this must be my choice and not anybody else or anything else this is learning of Knowledge of nothing to start with my knowledge store was empty and end with my knowledge store is empty and stays empty - no matter what - nothing is recorded I am an idiot now then after what is my dharma - result of my karma in my terre...

accepted is not truth by all means it needs at least one living being concur while many may differ. It has also timeline associated. While many know Special Theory of relativity was proposed by Einstein and he was only author of the paper. But this brilliant work was a collaborative work with his first wife. Even before his Nobel Prize win he promised to give away Prize Money to his first wife many years before he received the same as part of settlement for separation. Accepted truth is so hyped we believe accept them as permanent truth. However accepted truth is not Absolute. People like Einstein or Buffet live on accepted truth like most of us. How does one discard accepted truth and realize absolute truth? what is mechanism? see for oneself - it is not hearsay or reading or judgement or share price eye witness there is an unique witness no matter who he or she is; no matter how reliable he or she is among fellow human being this eye witness is unique and not opinion -...

I like it or not but I come into contact with politics every day several times in a day and I withdraw myself into myself - silent and innocent. I do not get threatened by it. I do not compromise. for any kind of tangible benefit using support of people. i detest. Politics throw up people and bestow them with power of execution to conduct evil for extended time. We never learn. We have seen people like hitler mussolini bush chinny ... war mongers. we have seen dishonest greedy vain people like nixon clinton trump.... Political process of selection must eliminate them from their respective party and it requires reform. Nomination to supreme court judge for lifetime appointment cannot be based on bias. It is disgusting. Marriage must be individuals choice. Motherhood too must be individuals choice and not dictated by religion church or supreme court. It is providence at this time. US political realities is going through a change - GOP - conservatives cannot survive without cha...

Under set of inequalities or equality  an objective function is maximised (profit) or minimized (loss). Inequalities have variables. Optimized objective function should provide the desirable values for variables. Objective function may not be optimizable - may be infinity -ve (loss) +ve (profit).  Inequalities can be explained in understandable english sentence e.g. Thou shall not steal or cheat or kill etc. Corporations individuals etc. do not abide by those rules. Intelligence in human is loss of innocence called smartness in western world such as USA. Many thousand individuals are today richer than their own or other countries. Many trillion dollars disappears from government or public domain and lands in the pockets of individuals. I am not concerned. All human born is immortal. It is a curse unless optimized - objective function is JOY OF LIVING. I have known sufferings of individuals including myself trying to optimize. IMMORTALITY IS A CURSE - suffering of hell...

when I look at me I see an empty space I try to measure myself with all 10/10 as human being I know of including Valmiki Krishna Dwaipayana or Shankara and some livings  I have seen with my own senses. I sadly realize that I am immeasurable  - incomparable perhaps is better word I used to know one person called Arun Bhardwaj. After I left ASCII he vanished from my life. We used to share the same room at office with two other people. He forcibly stay at my house for many months. I remember him to be silent always without hobby except for late night coffee at hyderabad hotels. He used to copy one John Travolta - hair style dress jeans glass and boots.  If ever asked about himself - he used to say 'I do not compare me with none". No matter how much he was insulted it never showed in his face. He was assumed to be jilted by one girl - his colleague in ASCII. Arun was looking to go abroad to get out of debt of his parents supporting his college education. I heard that h...

i thought I could write no more. My writable material has disappeared. After truth what can i write - transients are stories without any merit to be written - for what purpose but i am writing again in invisible ink for nobody including me - all have permanently died and do not even exist as cloud I do not know about others but whenever i have pain, that finds its way as my writing and i have to wait till the ink dries and become invisible I spent about ten days about one hour every day in May 2012 in hospital with my brother Kamal - I saw him reading watching TV and talking to people or silent with me when alone his face was bright smiling and devoid of any pain or disability. i could not believe that he is incapable of leaving his bed or walk to the attached toilet. He could not stand on his leg!!! This did not even show when I was alone with him. He never complained about any pain. He was not paralyzed. He told me this only to correct my presumption about his abilities....

Europe is disruptive for internet companies such as FB GOOGLE APPLE Amazon etc accounting for 5 trillion dollar of 20 trillion US GDP. It is like drug peddling market which many authorities after but never able to put a ban. Due to US Federal support, these internet companies in US have destroyed every other industries even agriculture and created 1000 new billionaires every year. But it is jolted beyond repair by EU legislation that them have to take into account territorial boundaries for information storage and dessimnation. EU is against selling their information without permission of individuals. None of these companies have the ability to respect these law. Their core business model is drug selling or addiction and selling information of addicted people to all drug peddlers. In 20 years them have become MONSTER from zero to 5 trillion. I cannot believe my eyes or senses when I see my family members spend $1000 each year for iphone apple or samsung devices. while I am using a p...

can I expect? No, it is not impossible. But I lack conviction. even if death passess through me, its crawl is in vanishing ink. disappearing as soon as it s appearing. What to speak of Machine Intelligence I have no confidence in my own intelligence. All my experience and knowledge is disappearing since I know them are my hypotheses meritting no memorizing and necessary for recollection. No matter what is modern technology and science findings, it is and its availability in my kitchen toilet and everywhere ~ it is quite useless to expect future that is relevant for me. No matter how automated my necessities linked with money currency and their values in providing utilities I use everyday - my life and ease and me remain forever independent. My moral ~ truth is independent of all practices I see all around me. I cannot take a single step mimicking anybody's thought or action. No matter how many hours I spend in devotion before any photo and no matter how much I express my i...

and how touchy i am. many of my muscles are pulled and pushed and relaxed in relation to money. My incomes have dwindled after i decided not to travel for earning. My mind can do lot of thinking but my stomach and other parts of body cannot tolerate outside food. I am generally ok with my cooked and fresh food. I have already wrote volumes on money and its impact on some people i know. Some I already have no communication. I have already decided not to visit India. It is socially unlivable. Moral degradation is seen to believe. Last night I was talking with my cousin who lives alone in Delhi, she was talking about problem of ill gotten money in the neighborhood. I said that I lived in Delhi NOIDA region for about 15 plus years. But I cannot imagine living in Kolkata even two years. The social fabric and family fabric totally shredded in Kolkata. I then told her I still remember my mother's face and my grandmother's face - they did grow old but their brightness of face ne...

What is the meaning? Meaning is there is one and only one truth ~ all is false and never is true even for a moment. I do not know but I know all is my baseless assumption and imagination. There is none and nothing besides me. I have to trash every thought of mine without writing. Nothing is ever true even for a moment. I am the one and only one spotless clean unstainable perfect. Immortal. I have a deadline to meet ~ now and see for myself with my naked eye ~  the truth. Truth is not me or any that has birth or death. The chapter is closed and destroyed never read again. I stop none and nothing but only me from reacting or reflecting. I belonged is programmed automaton. Behind all the clouds words and knowledge I see the truth. Me me alone. Wordless infinity. Unpredictable. No hint. what all the above mean? Now is always ~ done perfectly lovingly without words thoughts or actions ~ impossibles in heaven ....

I am in fatal embrace of the octopus of time with its each pus limb with thousand Riki's on my body crushing me with unbearable pain. I have no alternative but hope at some precise moment both me and the octopus would vanish and I have to hold out. Now I am told there is no future. Then shall never leave. Even if I am dry. Reason is permanente I still have reason and I cannot give up. No matter what reason what grasp what pain. I have to forgo all reasons. Now.

there is no outside it is all inside i have to reduce all to nothing only tools i have my senses i must be insensitive to sensitivity no alternative to silence and innocence

the instruction I got from my boss to execute as dummy not to use my brain to me plants are all brain whole of it the huge maple tree that is in my neighbors yard fanning above my house is 100 tons of brain or grey matter and now it is all green I cannot discipline myself to observe silence say two hours in a day - say from 3 to 5 pm on the other hand i can push all thoughts out generally it is because I cannot find a time when I would remain awake no matter what failure is OK but the ban of words is universal wherever I am ~ empty space is word free zone ~ my silence and my innocence is not negotiable ~ i am not programmed automaton {my best time of the day is 8 to 10 in the morning weekdays ~ i am woken up by Cole from my sleep - my genuine friend}

I have not seen sun some days now. it is raining. like mouse i am looking at every corner for some work. the other day early morning it was still raining i started investigating my sump pump operation. worried it might conk off. I had a plan to make sunroom. it is shelved since there is no inflow of money. i am not getting any remote job. I finished reading and viewing 10 rex stout. i have got another 15 to read. off and on i read technology books or language but they do not hold my attention. egyptian hieroglyph is interesting and i might finish the book. off and on i read myself. but it is not very interesting. i remember a mullah story, where a person comes to study in mullah school. he says by the way of introduction his list of great teachers under whom he studied. Mullah asks him, what is the result? how much of you have you learnt. I have read me in every crevices of my mind body and thinking and my indulgences. as a result - my unknowns are not very interesting any more....