nowthenafter

Google has been warning me that my blogs shall be no more in a few days. I write publicly and I cannot be private in my world. My feelings are known and distributed in the sky and I cannot hide. i have no place to hide. Winter is not leaving. I shiver in my room. The temperature is above 75 and my palms are burning. I get up several times in a day. last night rather in last 24 hours i was awake barely 10 hours. I skipped several meals. I skipped insulin. I am trying to find the reason for burning. too many cups of tea! I am skipping that too. Going to bed early. I got up several times but last was when it was nearly 10. took sugar reading and insulin. i wish to put end to my feet burning. daytime, i am good. couple of nights ago I talked to kanti and sayed. i heard kanti has some pallet count problem and she cannot sleep at night. i remember chhorda's pallet problem and chemotherapy and death. god was good to him. what a combination madhu namu amu and national med...

I look at some thinking that goes around and I cannot remain silent. Shankara too could not remain silent and he got permission for 16 years. Only. he vanished when he was 32. I withdrew at the age of 62. This days I am again back trying to straighten tail of two dogs. Democracy is the name of one dog. Religion is the name of the other dog. It started with someone proposing a solution to India unemployment. Here is the dialogue: Me: as if right now there is no mass unemployment Other: Actually there is, but it's about to get much much  worse in the near future. And this is regardless of who wins the elections. as if election supposed to solve problem if any Me: economic theory of maya ha ha! we, having university education, know that there is no conclusion possible from false or wrong hypothesis. only purpose of education is to teach the difference between truth or false. i do not see any today practices truth. you cannot reverse this. a smart person destroy...

vyasa as such has the meaning is diameter. there is no double meaning in sanskrit words. it is always designed to survive length or width or expanse of time. diameter presupposes a circle and circle has a center. does it matter if he is an individual or many. the location perhaps is important. he lived in the village of 'mauna' - silence or absence. above origin of river alaknanda (daughter of non-people) ~ vasudhara waterfalls (friend of earth). veda vyasa - first split veda into 4 parts and then composed Mahabharata and Brahma sutras fundamentals of Upanishads. Vedanta or the end of Veda. Four Quadrants and the center is unique ~ the knowledge. his full name is krishna daipayan veda vyasa ~ the island that neither attracts nor distracts (krishna) or replaces vedas (earlier writings or prescriptions)  of four parts. he me is the author of my world and also alive and living looked after 

jealousy supposed to be a thought - why i am not the favorite of God of good fortune instead! thoughts do enough for the job of reading book. thought is glucose in blood responsible for energy required for quick action. books are like fibers that delays glucose supply to blood. thoughts are truly energy savings. you go through them and mildly aroused with various emotions anger grief fear ... persisting for long time till no thought or sleep. what truly the purpose unless it is entertainment to pass the flow of time to relieve me from sleeping all the time. similar to eating when feeling hungry. for about 35 years my thoughts were centered around my family. however they have been ruining my leisure time with their abuse and constant demand for more and at often time what i would not like to do. enter an office for only to earn for them. without my consent joya's elder brother came here and lived for about 3-4 days. i personally do not like to see or hear him. he called...

I have certain expectations from any person whom i meet or met and most when do not meet them. my disappointment is very high. so much so i am very withdrawn. sometimes i am also disappointed with me when i do not meet my own bench mark. here are my list of entities that is revealed from a person's talk and action often publicly performed. I would not like to have any association with them: personal integrity -> Ethics is give more to those people from you earn your living. in other words professional ethics. physician must treat with professional ethics. his measure is not his cars house fees but success he has with disease recognition treatment recovery. I have met many of my own relations who are physicians whom i give grade of F. Failure. I do not like to see their face or be in their presence. I would like to forget all about them. 90% Engineering professional I meet in USA from India gets grade of F. While 75% uneducated or just limited educated rustic persons in Indi...

I worked for IBM briefly for one month and i came to know the horrible standard of IBM where 90% are Indians. Unbelievably most of them are above 25 years in IT and engineers.No wonder 100% of their time is devoted in meetings throughout the work hours over phone and video. I cannot say what percentage of projects are completed with success. I saw the progress of one project where at least 100 persons were working for over two years that had project end date but it was sure never to be completed. Nobody knew how to complete project in the whole team. I would not blame IBM alone. In this matter of successful completion of project all techie companies are competing each other. My careful estimation is at least 90% are not employable but employed here in USA. Here is another puzzle for me yet to solve. About 80% above are undocumented Indians who came in visa tourist student business or some temporary visa without proper education and non engineers but employed in huge numbers in ...

i was interested in tibetan form of buddhism and their literatures from around 1995-6. after coming to usa i found here libraries are full of many religious books and videos from and about tibet. in a healthy way americans have deep respect for eastern religion that seeks peace and harmony. americans are systematic and disciplined. they like to integrate religion and practice into their life. whatever money can buy. they would not mind investing the same for future. americans believe in future as much as hindus believe in rebirth and immortality. in tibetan form of buddhism dalai lama does not seek nirvana whatever that may mean - perhaps transforming world into perpetual heaven - no birth no death but always living. in tibetan form dalai lama is the perpetual leader of tibet. he is again again reborn but same - i think 14th incarnation. ever since he is in dharamsala in india he has established a great following for this form of buddhism. about 50 to 60 million followers world ov...

frankly i cannot even say or add to what shankaracharya had written. it is final and unmodifiable. i have heard stories about impossibility to modify geeta as written by veda vyasa. mahabharata was composed by many ever since for public and always. story is the same theme. geeta is commented upon but cannot be modified. even those who cannot read they must hear it as it is the content till it is digested and assimilated. that may take life time. but if one is sincere one cannot die before geeta is assimilated. folklore is when shankara was recovering mahabharata as written by vyasa along with brahmasutra on upanishads and gita he was visited by vyasa himself. vyasa is immortal. shankara humbly asked vyasa opinion and got the PERMISSION. Certificate of approval. I have vainly tried to improve upon Shankaracharya's for decades and I could not replace even word and making it different. it is so cut and dried without any masala! the same thing is upanishads. they are i...

statistics probability mathematics are only tools for decision making. they are imperfect but we have no alternative. i collect data required for making decision on my daily living based on this collection. I have my sugar chart where i write down my sugar reading insulin diet exercise sleep stool urine weight and my well being perception relative to absent me: complexion pain wounds taste sensitivity sensation dizziness burning palm feet palpitation suffocation tiredness ... whatever. i make decisions based on my chart regarding my diet insulin drinks activities sleep work plan reading writing etc. Logs are kept morning and evening - twice daily. it is necessary to find out road worthiness of me. there may be lot of organ failures and i do not know; but certainly i have high blood sugar and associated body symptoms - burning palm feet and inability to digest rice potato milk butter ghee and cereal. they were my staple diet till recently. other symptoms - Pressure surrounding my e...

what can i do about machine? long ago about 50 years back grinder was introduced first time in my home to replace work of human and mills. my mother commented afterwards about its reliability and dependability. human intelligence required but not labor. despite 100000 hours of flight testing fda rule our aircraft have limited reliability and needs constant guidance and human intelligence. we have not programmed our machines to be independent minded. i can do it. we have not given it passions and feelings. love hatred religion and afterlife. choice of retirement plan and life insurance. machines as reliable and unreliable as its inventor man. it can store database of information on its evolution and purpose to serve. it can be taught to filter and sense for its utility value for its human user. it can detect its failure and consult expert and ask for treatment or tests. man is similar to creator and machine is similar to man god makes error man makes error machine makes e...

this story i heard from naresh i wonder where he is now he was travelling to Bombay in train it was general compartment all partitions were filled with people and some were standing one vendor with many utensils forced himself in and stood in middle of the compartment with one leg on each side of the partition he said he was going to auction these utensils to whoever is the highest bidder and started a mock game he looked at his left and asked for a bid waited for sometime and started saying loudly 3 .. 3 .. 3   and looked at right and it did not matter if any one called but start saying 4 .. 4 .. 4  as if somebody just increased the bidding he after sometime would sell the vessel to a hypothetical bidder and keep it aside and start the same game with another vessel everyone was watching and not getting involved one passenger out of boredom and changed the game perhaps all of sudden bade '6' auctioneer repeated 6 ..  6 .. 6  and then gave the vess...

it so happens that any thinkable imaginable is reality in this world. if you can imagine then surely you can see the same in reality of this world. but it is impossible to know that since that disappears all by itself when not imagining. who created that in the first place none but me? is there anyone anything besides me? suppose there is even then there is no way i can recognize unless i already have an image all of my world is after me including disappearance of my world no expectations of me may be fulfilled except by me not even the expectation to see one more sunset or sunrise whatever i assume i am sure to see many many times as many times i wish i only see my assumptions and i corroborate with further assumptions do i need to assume ever even if i do how long it may take for me to recover it is impossible to believe it is the same when it is not it is unknown and always so nothing ever is known or become known on the basis of my assumption must n...

খোঁজ there is one for everyone perfect match everyone gets what one wants it is impossible that it cannot happen but it is also impossible to remain stuck forever with the same a man or woman of the world have to leave the world forever How am i so sure? illusion is never permanent no matter what efforts i may take and how long i take and what material i may use even cosmic meteorite or stone from stone age... the search is on for all born in this planet of illusion even plant or bacteria or unicellular organism ... i would say even for inorganic element or elementary particles this world is composed of sublimes the world vanishes all by itself it is impossible to hold one belief in illusion illusion is cloud for ever it is permanent unknown i can see anything in that permanent cloud love hatred war peace ugly beautiful god devil heaven hell whatever i please as long as i please i can find old any number of times in this cloud of new that is always new unknown ...

when did i start talking? it is non stop talking for every wake hours for me. my son did not talk for 3 years. Cole is about two is not talking. taking time off. joya took sohom to doctor an ear specialist. he had hundred tuning fork and he examined soham's hearing capability creating different sounds and looking at reflections from one year old baby's sensitivity towards different sound frequency. joya insists with that Cole should be taken to ear specialist. it is not problem of hearing though. Cole is not very inclined to talk. conversation is not necessity. he fetches me out as companion and you need not talk with your companion but play. cicilia came other day. she can express herself but then i am not very capable follower of her conversations. i do not follow my son very well; it is same with cicilia and many others , about 80% of the conversation i do not follow. i need not follow. All these prolog is required to assess my ability to learn. i do not learn many thin...

i have sinned i am guilty i know i do not know yet i am lying nonstop each of my words is my cane lashes creating further wounds i scream in pain it is pepper spraying on my wounds making me insane i cannot heal i am hell unless i am silent no matter what i wish to be silent but i wish Cole to speak i wish to have a conversation with cole and read him stories ~ lies i want him to imagine and make him a liar like me and make him torture himself i must stay away ~ i cannot i must be silent ~ i cannot i must escape hell ~ i cannot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VHJkDvEU70 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RohUmPdnbqQ Prantorer gaan amar                প্রান্তরের গান আমার              song of mine is from far away metho surer gaan amar           মেঠো সুরের গান আমার        tune of mine is from wet earth harie gelo kon belaye              হারিয়ে গেলো কোন বেলায়   long ago it was lost from me akashe agun jwalaye                আকাশে আগুন জ্বালায়       my heaven is on fire now meghla diner swapan amar     মেঘলা দিনের স্বপন আমার  reminding me dreams of rainy day fasal bihin mon k(n)adaye ||    ফসল বিহীন মন কাঁদায় ।।   wetting my barren mind with cries prantorer gaan amar..               প্রান্তরের গান আমার...

it is urgent and i cannot wait it is money and there is fine or loss of interest and i cannot escape i could save money if only i act immediately my breathing stops i rush out to save my money or potential loss it is urgent and i cannot wait it is my life and death unless acted immediately and appropriate manner i cannot save my organ it shall become very expensive i have to chose saving money or saving my organ either way the gateway to urgencies are open and i cannot close that while i exist i have to risk my existence unless i act i do not like to act i wait for my end can i not wait and who stops me from that my intelligence and i have been using the same ever since i remember if it is money no thinking any more i run to save my money i cannot wait time is money i can buy my waiting time with money perhaps i am not sure i have survived all these years being foolish or not so intelligent who lived better life than me i do not even like to talk do o...