nowthenafter

i am not going to analyse my character because i have seen me thoroughly in public eye and private eye many times already; and i do not see anything happening to me to change my attitude towards slavery. i am not slave of any ideas propagated by anyone. i may work and think hard towards a goal but i am not sure of success; i cannot predict. there is no way i can predict. yes, i am working towards some goal possibly for whole of my life. theoretically i know i am necessary and sufficient for my world. it is independent of what i think say or do. i am not supported or supportable by my world as a whole or partially by some component in my world. my world is completely my imagination and i did not take any help from anyone. if my world existed from beginning of time, then i am completely wrong about it. my world and that world has nothing in common. what i am striving most, all my life, is to achieve the ability to not get involved with any happenings in the world;i do not like...

i've got my al biruni's' they are very fat books and in fonts of 9 translated from arabic to german then to english. on India and chronology of nations - astronomy and science. i thought almanacs were recents and did not know they are 2500 or more years old. albiruni in detail showed their origin to human perception using knowledge of geometry. the books were themselves 1000 plus years old. al biruni accompanied ghazni and was with him for 30 years. he was captured by ghazni from iran and learnt arabic and  found as a language it is superior to pustu for both science philosophy and literature. that was the time conquerors took captives of minds who were well advanced for their time and given them freedom and patronage to advance their ability; and did not impose superiority of their own; unlike what we have been seeing from invaders from west and recently USA. al biruni learnt sanskrit; he read many available writings and learnt directly from the learned captives from Ind...

it was an intelligence test competition. i am stuck it is very easy and everybody has submitted their papers. i have lost track of time. but i have made so many mistakes and rewriting. i have to clean them all and i am sweating. not only that i cannot pass but even cannot complete in time. i endorse my idiocy. i no longer have to reply and even if i do i need not be understood. i need not be counted among human with minimum requirements and i may never find out. i am not allowed to find out. i have no permission for even understanding or following. i cannot even ask if i am okay not okay even if i am told i am told by everybody and made understand ~ i am forbidden to understand. a fool is forbidden to learn i am drowning ~ i am supposed to be i am being cheated ~ i am supposed to be i cannot escape ~ i am not supposed to i cannot kill a bed bug! what am i supposed to?

monday trump is meeting imran and next day he is sharing a platform with Indian counterpart. everyone from india is eager to get some understanding and financial benefit out of it given the big talk of tariff on chinese goods. but just all of a sudden trump has withdrawn all tariffs. there is no chemistry that works with except for his own business or his own prospect of his continued presidentship of another 4 years. unless he spoils it himself he is ahead all democratic ca ndidates by one year. it is foolish of democrats to continue on immigration pressure. this cannot win them election. what trump is going to talk to imran ahead of his participation with indian counterpart? obviously he needs imran's support to contain taliban when US leaves that region in next 6 months. $6trillion is already wasted. he does not want an enemy there collaborating with other countries to create problem for US, not at least while he is president. pakistan is friendly with china. can pakistan u...

i have banished sad among all feelings from mylife. i know i am the center and my world is balanced on me. and it is creation for my joy. my sadness surrounds me always like flies. these flies are carefully created to give me joys. my house my family my friends my books my habits my hobbies my body my money my health my wealth .... joys are now sadness surrounding me. why ? there are disappearing and i still need them. money is disappearing. i cannot earn any more. i do not enjoy doing any job for money. i do not have health. my family is disappearing either by death or monetary reason. i cannot meet their expectations. my health is disappearing. the disappearance of my joy is unstoppable. i am engulfed enveloped with grief. in order to be cheerful again i have no option but banish all. i must have no need. i do not recognize no flies as my necessary joy even if i created that once. enough talk. i banished already sadness. if joy too has to go it is ok. along with expr...

i no longer seek confirmation of my ideas. i only know and very limited in my knowledge and lack depth in erudic scholarship. i am not totally unacquainted with scholarship or genius. i saw my brother kamal first hand and i have anyone near to his ability on merit. he had extraordinary memory. he was perfect clear headed. i never saw him fumble. he did not use intuition but he relied on logic and could perfectly come to conclusion using rules of mathematical logic. the other quality he had but i have not seen except i heard in possession of legendary russian mathematician perelman. kamal was quite oblivious to fame or money or pursuit of the same. he was never sad. i have not seen him sad ever. he enjoyed his food his bridge his books his free time whoever came to him for whatever purpose. he was satisfied till his end and not complaining. why all these. since he was never tried to guide me on my spiritual search with his achievements but mentioning once it is simple relief to belie...

last dream woke me up very early. it did not grip me with trauma but haunting me for quite some time. i walked into a hotel with some other guy recently known may be at a new assignment. he perhaps from my country of origin. hotel keeper gives me a key to a room and i checked the key unlocking the door but did not looked in. i presumed it must be empty. i go with the other guy's room who stays in the same hotel. at late night i head for my room and open it and find it filled with people about six beds and dozen occupant. perhaps two in each bed. i was horrified. i must have my separate bed. one said he was going sleep on floor and i could sleep in the cot. it was very late hours, i needed a bed to sleep. as soon as i approach the cot i am surrounded by the dozen none wearing clothes and they are touching me. i run out of the room. somewhere in that same hotel in separate room zinia and joya is living but neither like to stay in their room nor like to know how they live. Problem ...

i am very sad today. i went to library to collect my Koestler and Hagars but it was closed. i was informed by a fellow visitor. i asked why? what time or day is today? he said it is past 6 pm and friday. i am sad. more so my beautiful friend of extraordinary beauty and playmate will not laugh and greet me showing inside of her mouth showing toothless gums tomorrow morning waking me up! i have to wait three sleepless nights! ----- i am 101% insane. i did not get this from my bengali origin. and its origin is not that of insanity from ramakrishna who used to feed kali idol for the sake of his paid priest job. his insanity got cured but then he lost his priest job since he was no more insane. my insanity is from the spread of extremely potent internet virus by microsoft yahoo amazon google facebook books films etc. this virus infected my mind and they travel 1000 miles or even 100 years in second. there  is no filter or cure known for my insanity. they even go to the extent to ...

teachers have great influence both good and bad unforgettable. recently two of my elders kanti di rita di from isi visited me and i told my experiences unforgettables non stop for hours ~ monologue i am always afraid and hence not learn some of my learnings are unforgettable i cannot go to india again after i learnt there that my money is far more important than my life to all of my relation even in my home i stay away from hearing distance even when i am specifically made to hear ~ i exercise my right to forget right here and now ~ i cannot commit the mistake of knowing even by mistake for a moment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEggJljDPyQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2NECNkJeDA -------------------- again more of his talk: i just came to know the definition of heaven by induction. semi literate teaching an illiterate in village ~ think of a school teacher. you go to him and learn. you are happy. you ask him where he learnt. his master is teaching ...

no image ~ no reflection ~ no shadow ~ no premise ~ no words ~ no meaning .................. i exercise my right to be unequal unhappy none less or more ... idiot i enjoy unknown impossible hopeless ... unenjoyable .................... i have inexhaustible sense of humor i laugh at my total elimination ~ no remnant i am not sorry that i cannot leave no mark and nor do i try ...................

এখন যখন তখন  দুঃখ হয় সুখ  ব্যাথ্যা হয় আনন্দ শেষ হয় আরম্ভ নারাকে হয় সর্গ হারানটাই পাওয়া ভোলাটাই স্মৃতি নিঃশব্দটাই বলা না দেখাটাই দেখা না শোনাটাই শোনা না ভাবাটাই ভাবা না করাটাই করা না জানাটাই জানা কণা হয় পূর্ণ জীবন হয় মৃত চাওয়া হয় পাওয়া  শব্দ হয় নিঃশব্দ ভয় হয় সাহস খারাপ হয় ভাল খোদার উপর খোদকারি করাও যা না করাও তাই

about vikram:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vikram_Sarabhai Mrs G unknown to many despite embargo of technology transfer strictly in effect by USA then, was instrumental to get direct collaboration and technology from USSR for space and atomic research long after nehru bhava and vikram were dead. here is an event described to me by an eyewitness. 1974. dhruva had gathered along with the rest of office to witness the launch of first rocket at sriharikota. he did not wish to miss a moment of the event. eyes fixed on the sky he heard a commotion. he looked around him. everyone is running past him as if their bottoms on fire. he grabbed his boss running past him asked, 'what happened?' 'RUN BUGGER RUN ASK LATER' then he saw the rocket instead of flying to the sky it had started hopping ....

present situation needs permanent resolution for US involvement. It cannot be any of the failed experiments in the past. Taliban is now controlling 70% of Afghanistan. Its source of finance is drugs sold world over. Taliban also charges taxes and does business with civilians providing them necessities - food water electricity fuel etc. are Taliban activities supported by neighboring governments? Pakistan is certainly the main supporter of Taliban. It cannot run the expense of fighting Taliban in its own territory. Iran cannot be ruled out to patronize Taliban. Trump as President did not make attempt to normalize US relationship with Iran to bring it to US side. Does China support Taliban? Yes, indirectly. China has business interest in West as main supplier of Technology goods. Its prosperity suffers if its business interest is hampered. China would finance any agency media anywhere to enhance its business world over including America. US is its own enemy ~ it has created corporat...

when vyasa decided to compose his epic mahabharata the history of origin to its end in heaven, he needed a publisher who could write faultless nonstop. he did not wish to lose his train of thoughts. no human being could do this so he called upon ganesha the erudite after all ganesha is divinity committed to do good for humanity. ganesha too had a condition; that he could not waste his time waiting for vyasa not ready with next verse. vyasa then counter imposed to ganesha that ganesha should wr ite only when he assimilated the meaning of the present one. mahabharata is thus a sruti that is only heard in order to be understood its purpose or meaning. of course there is one other epic, ramayana,  that merits the same name - sruti. the third one is upanishads. upanishads were never written down but learnt and kept in memory. strangely sruti remains in memory forever and ever until understood by the listener, once heard; till they are truly assimilated. no escape from digesting. ...

i have very primitive knowledge of sanskrit that was accepted as language for all literature from indian origin about 3000 years ago. it was felt then, they should have a language that should live through the time accommodating all progress in all fronts ~ literature science medicine technology ... indefinitely. the language must not further be subject to misinterpretation by semi literate quarks. i do not know sanskrit and i found it hard learning when i was forced in the s chool for two years. one reason, the teacher was a young strongman who would beat hard for lapses with cane and i needed extra efforts for memorizing fundamental that was not required in other subjects. besides, sanskrit unlike all other subjects, did not have a humanly understable story that would cover for lapses in my memory. its essentials are formulas that must be retained in the memory as is; and them are not subject to interpretation in time future. i definitely could not appreciate that. it is comple...

As soon as human being conceived timeline, they pondered long about memory and it's worthlessness. They argued about usability of memory in predicting future. They pondered the chance to escape possibility of total annihilation. Does knowing help? Is it worthwhile remembering? Is there any situation when memory influence some positive outcome? Is the amount of time already wasted remembering increase one's chance of success? sometimes yes ~ pass or fail in showing of your competence in immediate future. it is quite useless remembering economic data and use it future prediction. Human thought of data independence; where Knowledge of previous observation has no influence on future. They thought the world is memoryless. Chances of success, whatever be the criteria of success, has no dependency in life spent so far. Human thinks that the world is a gambling joint and it is set up to ruin your chances of survival without fail. there indeed is no theory of false...

I talk and so far exceeded talking many million words. My words are seed water earth fertilizer sun environment equipment to create my world. Unlike many i am not looking to be prosperous in my world. I wish my world to be paradise permanente. I am already born unlimited and permanent. I will all to be me. An automation is in place that ensures forever continuity variety love and prosperity and plenty for all time ~ unlimited. None is toxic but filling unique necessity for the same. Cementing my world for all time. My world starts in me and ends me. Feelings are necessities without which my paradise permanente does not exist. It is true same as me the creator. If I have believe in numbers, it is number uno. Uno is sufficient to know all numbers. Millions billions trillions zillions. It is also sufficient to know me ~ unlimited. I am unlimited. I am a difference in my world. I am it's base space ingredients without which my world is lifeless and without its parent ~ universe. M...