sky

i no longer seek confirmation of my ideas. i only know and very limited in my knowledge and lack depth in erudic scholarship. i am not totally unacquainted with scholarship or genius. i saw my brother kamal first hand and i have anyone near to his ability on merit. he had extraordinary memory. he was perfect clear headed. i never saw him fumble. he did not use intuition but he relied on logic and could perfectly come to conclusion using rules of mathematical logic. the other quality he had but i have not seen except i heard in possession of legendary russian mathematician perelman. kamal was quite oblivious to fame or money or pursuit of the same. he was never sad. i have not seen him sad ever. he enjoyed his food his bridge his books his free time whoever came to him for whatever purpose. he was satisfied till his end and not complaining.

why all these. since he was never tried to guide me on my spiritual search with his achievements but mentioning once it is simple relief to believe in some creator absolute responsible for all happenings. for me i could not assume. i had to know for sure. i could not make any mistake. I COULD NOT AFFORD SUCH MISTAKE AND START BELIEVING IN GHOST OR SPIRIT.

I needed direct proof. by heart. i needed to assure myself direct proof anywhere any time.

sky there is a sky in my heart. and i see the same with my senses unless i focus on someone for a while. i can not really focus on anyone or anything for longtime. i lose total interested. new is not new or novel. after sometime. it is not worth observing. no matter how deep or complicated a study, it is impossible for me to devoted in the same for longtime. i am not trying to specialist in any matter. first time is okay but it is not exciting second time.

i did not mind losing than having satisfaction of possessing. i am not hero and did not enjoy being hero. i steadfastly avoided being relation.

i loved relation and even now love relation. i love sadness too. i don't mind extreme suffering when i truly believed i won't recover from loss. and i did not wish to recover. i never tried to drown my sadness. i waited for it disappear without me doing anything about my grief. the grief from my brother's loss was deepest of all my suffering. along with him i lost my relationship of at least dozen of my close relation and my country of birth forever. i changed my citizenship further resolve that i shall have no ties with that country in my life.

I am not sad.

Today of course i know my true identity and i know i cannot be otherwise even if i chose to be.

i am sky now and always, even by pretension i cannot be attached. i am incapable of showing. no matter what. i do not have the option.

between the two skies ~ internal me and external visible to my direct senses everyone everything is my imagination ~ not only transient but without blueprint or having existence without me. cloud that comes and goes as per my will.