uncomfortable

the wayside currently i am is a quartz expanse
i can imagine myself
i can imagine my  home
uncomfortable is comforting
i fail to imagine
and i have to

i used to stand next to a cubicle when i was working for irs at csc
i used sit with one other person
kim a korean
he had lot of hidden energy to write scripts charting progress of the project
project started about 10 years back and by then 12 billion was spent to overall irs tax processing system
by then it was 10% done
the old system was written entirely in assembler language
the new system was being written in c++ cics and db2 in a manner neither much knowledge of c++ cics or db2 is required
progress was unbelievably slow and about 400 people were involved and every month about 10% were replaced with new set of people
every new set of people is taught the system being built for about 10 weeks
i tried to know what is the nuts and bolts of the system being built to find out anything is happening or all is hoax
my superior who was heading my group was removed
it is normal to be replaced every six months
there were 4 or 5 government contractors who were leading the efforts in a round robin fashion
among us 400
there were 50 phds
the two persons opposite our cabin were one chinese and another thai - she was phd
the chinese was very friendly towards me
i did not understand what he was doing
there were many chinese and he was also one of them
i never used to follow about 80 % of his talks but this did not matter
i asked him once what is his assignment
he asked him if i did not like him to be there
i apologised for asking him
his cabin mate was phd in maths
she had number of plants and she used to care for them
i came to know about indoor plants and parasites
the chinese was real estate agent and had some houses on rent and litigations
he used to take me to trips to pursue his tenants to leave his house
about 40 among 400 were permanent contractor though retired and each had about 25 contractors in their employment
it was not possible to become a contractor unless you come through them
i too went through one of them
all of them had very complicated scheme of operation
11 more years have passed
as far as i know the status quo remains the same
every scheme in government is a money spending scheme
that never needs to be ended

last night i was talking to my sister in law in kolkata
she writes short stories and had published several books
she used to teach in a college in shillong
i studied in shillong for one year
i usually ask about those i knew and their current whereabouts
she talked about people who care for her now
and also changes all around taking place
everyone is affluent now a days
i observed people do not change they remain same
years ago we had our meanness and used to hide them
but today we no longer hide them
we boldly wear our dishonesty

i told her among bengalis it is persistent trait of envy
i am told most of the bengali marriages do end up in split
couple do not like to share and it goes unchecked
bengali marrying a non bengali rarely ends in split

i needed to replace two doors
i was trying to do that for sometime now
yesterday one handyman turned up in the afternoon
he refused earlier saying that he is not confident about me
individuals do not hurt me anymore
i am accustomed to be harmed or insulted
he started praising indians
perhaps to gain my confidence
i said i am no longer an indian and in last 20 years i have spent less than 2 weeks in india
i am not fit to live in india
he then said he has dual citizenship
he is citizen of philippines because of his spouse
she is very attached to her family
i remember once i stayed in an other white american's house for about two plus months
he was living alone
while i was there he went to hong kong and manila   
i was alone with nobody in the house for about 15 days
he regretted when i was leaving
that i could not meet his wife who was still in manila

i remember listening to obituary gathering arranged for my brother kamal
someone very junior professor spoke about him
in universities it is expected that there shall be collection of very bright minds
but what had happened at isi calcutta is something unbelievable
there were collection people who were not only bright but pure at heart and without any selfishness

i regret today such loss is irreplaceable
kamal has disappeared without trace without another like him
gopal has disappeared without trace without another like him
i have to be comfortable with my discomfort
meanness in india according to my mother is 5000 years olds

\mahabharata