non alignment
this morning dream did not have any message of importance. it was lazy wondering in some past about three decades ago with memories of my acquaintance with them i did not have anything to share. i used to work with them. one was rajiv roy who was with me in kolkata stp. he had his orbit that i had no familiarity. i search for him in the internet i found a posting from him in FB about four years back. he went to australia in 1988-9 after his marriage. i attended his reception in bengali club. he was then not working with me. i am not connected with anyone. i did not have much of any information from him. he guided me once into another office where some cricket commentary was going on saying that just walk in and be quiet about your presence. he was karate black belt from kuwait. i learnt that he is perhaps exactly my age and did graduation from osu in 1971 and mba from maryland and now perhaps works at hp australia. he had same blank face the same thin appearance and without spectacles. he was with his byke. he came only once or twice at my residence. last time at around midnight and before his marriage and after his second marriage was called off. we never discussed his personal life. i wrote two messages through FB to connect. he did not respond. he was very casual when i knew him. he is looked the same casual. he used to wear a spects then. now he was not. he possibly has very strong root in kolkata.
last night dream was at noida when i was trying desperately to set up some organization. my boss was totally committed to activities totally unrelated to business but prolonging his stay in india for fun. living on borrowed money from bank in the name of business. all the bank loots that have been taking place in india now ~ he is only one of them 3 decades ago. he is a fraud. now all indians are. you can no longer call them so. not that any is disturbed by named so. they like to know at what distance i am and how come i am saying such obvious thing. in satyajit ray's words from a 30 years back film ~ no one even talks about fraudulence anymore; it is accepted normal. sakha prasakha. i remembered 3-6 boys in their twenties fresh from college and i was guiding them to culture of software development.
after dream i lie quiet for some message to direct me something. after 30 minutes or more. i got nothing. message is no message. Strange this too can be message! godot sent a message that godot is no more by sending no messenger.
last few nights i am enjoying hindi films and serials. it is very rare truly. this happens in decades. i don not how when and how i became curious of women but this curiosity is rare now for me. what does women think? what is her rational? do they have reasons and what are their basic assumptions they live with often their own life? i had known my mother fairly deeply. she was worried about me? the main worry of her was my curiosity over creator. she also understood my necessity of getting married to relieve me of my curiosity of women. these two films and 12 hours i spent told me something that may be true. physical beauties i am attracted are not necessarily attractive to me if they do not hide their assumptions of happiness. i am told that upanishads says that though there is no harm in deluding oneself with sex and woman but something is lost. i don't have to believe. instead i know something which is far more deeper. i am the tip of pinhead that also holds n it my world and my capacity to create my world. i am in tune and cannot be out of tune and strive most. i cannot strive full stop
i cannot be curious unless i made curious
however then what then message of no message lead to. i cannot think. i am non aligned. i cannot ever be aligned. my creator has vanished forever. i don't have to strive. i cannot be. i cannot achieve. i cannot even wait for something to happen. nothing ever going to happen.
i am at the center of my illusion and cannot escape. i can be me with feeling with or without .... reason ... may not ever remember but after some waiting i would again know ~ i do not have hope or hope is illusion permanent
i am homeless abandoned child of creator incapable of imagination. limit of my fake world.
last night dream was at noida when i was trying desperately to set up some organization. my boss was totally committed to activities totally unrelated to business but prolonging his stay in india for fun. living on borrowed money from bank in the name of business. all the bank loots that have been taking place in india now ~ he is only one of them 3 decades ago. he is a fraud. now all indians are. you can no longer call them so. not that any is disturbed by named so. they like to know at what distance i am and how come i am saying such obvious thing. in satyajit ray's words from a 30 years back film ~ no one even talks about fraudulence anymore; it is accepted normal. sakha prasakha. i remembered 3-6 boys in their twenties fresh from college and i was guiding them to culture of software development.
after dream i lie quiet for some message to direct me something. after 30 minutes or more. i got nothing. message is no message. Strange this too can be message! godot sent a message that godot is no more by sending no messenger.
last few nights i am enjoying hindi films and serials. it is very rare truly. this happens in decades. i don not how when and how i became curious of women but this curiosity is rare now for me. what does women think? what is her rational? do they have reasons and what are their basic assumptions they live with often their own life? i had known my mother fairly deeply. she was worried about me? the main worry of her was my curiosity over creator. she also understood my necessity of getting married to relieve me of my curiosity of women. these two films and 12 hours i spent told me something that may be true. physical beauties i am attracted are not necessarily attractive to me if they do not hide their assumptions of happiness. i am told that upanishads says that though there is no harm in deluding oneself with sex and woman but something is lost. i don't have to believe. instead i know something which is far more deeper. i am the tip of pinhead that also holds n it my world and my capacity to create my world. i am in tune and cannot be out of tune and strive most. i cannot strive full stop
i cannot be curious unless i made curious
however then what then message of no message lead to. i cannot think. i am non aligned. i cannot ever be aligned. my creator has vanished forever. i don't have to strive. i cannot be. i cannot achieve. i cannot even wait for something to happen. nothing ever going to happen.
i am at the center of my illusion and cannot escape. i can be me with feeling with or without .... reason ... may not ever remember but after some waiting i would again know ~ i do not have hope or hope is illusion permanent
i am homeless abandoned child of creator incapable of imagination. limit of my fake world.
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