impossible

it is impossible not to feel what i feel. i feel sadness of being cheated ... by my family member and i cannot stop not feeling anguish and hurt. i also come to know cheating done by others ~ all it is being done by my spouse. i cannot compromise with them even when i know. it is impossible. i have already noted that i am but epidermis of creator, a puppet; and i have to feel the deep sadness of trickery committed by my spouse all her relations and they involved my children. i cannot stop them. they somehow want to migrate to US and I am their vehicle. They do not have any consideration of my age health and physical inability and honest purpose of living. i feel the sadness. it is not preventable. Creator is so unkind!

nothing is preventable. i can only be silent. i don't know if i can keep any resolution i make just now. can i keep my silence all time to come and always! i cannot prevent my inability to maintain my silence. all is definitely going to happen as it should and that is the perfection of creator.

i must be silent but i definitely will crack! cry as i am doing now.

this morning i got up with a dream. where i am not the only victim of cheating and manipulation of spouse no matter how pure at heart i am. i know i must bear in silence; but it invades my dream. i woke up with a question. i realized last night rama in ramayana is characterization of a pure at heart. why then it was required by sita to test for her chastity. it is okay she was asked by community second time to prove fatherhood of lav and kush that was settled by valmiki who is after all the author of ramayan. but when there was no community sita apparently gave her chastity test. it was not required by me to do research but know what did valmiki wrote. apparently rama asked to prove sita's chastity indeed. "i have done whatever i was required to do to retrieve you back from the grip of the rascal. however among us within close friends ~ lakshman bharat shatrughna bibhishan sugrib you must prove your chastity." she declined to prove her chastity; and instead jumped into pyre. death only can resolve all deed or misperceived deeds of any of one's past. she welcomed death. however she had more time in her life and more events to witness. they were very important events for valmiki at least. valmiki had to answer any question of fatherhood of any child. newborn is pure at heart and must not be seen to inherit lust or sin of any of the parents. mother can only give birth.  mother is earth always sinless. faultless. seed too is her creation! self fertilization.

sita had nothing to prove. she is chaste. mother. is alway chaste. numbers does not matter. ram. ravan. bibhishan. sugrib. lakshman... none matters. it is ram's privilege to accept sita or reject sita. it is her privilege to feel good or bad. then.

i ask, what is chastity for a women? does it matter for the woman bearing child that the sperm donor must be married to her? what happens it is not? even though society is built around family and child is born from womb of a women, i do not see any meaning in the word 'chastity'. does anyone see?why should anyone must remember any event? how reliable an event having witnessed by even me a moment ago? what is it significance to me ever if there is another moment for me to witness another event? why should i remember any event any moment? why? why must the witness talk about it when there is no other witness? why that should be talk of society for many millennia? Ramayana?

my society is not centered  on word chastity or marriage or children born out of wedlock. what is my society? living together in the same world ~ mine. my society is my awareness this moment and changing every moment. i am at its center always. i must rather have no option but be at ease.

does woman need be married to bear child be called chaste in society or go to forest and bear child and be single mother and bring up child in refuge of someone broad minded to neglect her or question her who is the biological sperm donor if she is aware!

father is the creator. pure. creation. none has the privilege. given any mother any time. earth.

no fire. no fire. no fire.... no fire can ever burn earth! fire is made of earth even though a creation of creator. illusion. my father is incapable of creating two moments alike. i am incapable of finding another moment if any in this moment. no precedence.

i must strive my best to keep my silence no matter what ~ knowing nothing ever can happen in my world that is not well planned in advanced; and cannot be prevented; that event includes this moment or my funeral pyre in my full consciousness; rightly or wrongly attributed shame or guilty by my society or my world.

i am again reminded about avadhoot words. wrong is committed by the creator. does anyone have any other option but accept in silence unless mercifully silenced by the creator!

i am begging for mercy from the creator to make me silent. now. i have breathed my last long ago. please creator make me not live for even another moment ~ yaping! i prefer suicide. but do i have a choice when i am nothing but a puppet. if i generalize, if all is not the same as me. creator alone bears the blame. no matter how ill i think of them. my marriage was not preventable nor my marital life now till my end. all is hopelessly doing what they are supposed to be doing.

i remember my story of ahangar. we all are duplicates and puppet of originals! my no wish shall ever come true. all my wish too is false.

hopeless to hope to know peace even for a moment ever given to me unless i am peace