gandhari

the most interesting character in mahabharata is undoubtedly dhritarashtra. he is just like me. obsessed with possession. what difference does it make for a blind person at birth! not so as long as his or her senses provoked! with heightened suspicion of being cheated and like all needed to be at least in hearing distance preferably in touching distance.

as a writer of blind i must know if at all blind can perceive light as not blind perceives.

although i have not ever seen creator but i am not blind as such. i am well aware that the alphabets that i am typing are spontaneous creation through puppet incapable of even seeing or sensing! i have been meticulously created to produce something to be produced. i am so much blind and deaf that i cannot even see that there is any need for these verbal output. except that i enjoy doing this. one of my greatest achievement is to discover that there cannot be any world where i belong that is not entirely me! yet i am full of feelings about not me! i am ashamed! i am afraid! i am angry! i avoid! i would not express! even though i do not know my death, i would not talk some secrets of mine! i would not like to meet some during my life. all this despite knowing there cannot be any that is not entirely me. by virtue of the knowledge of creator, i know i have no future. yet i am afraid. this situation is same now, was same yesterday, and i am logical even though i know there does not exist any logic ~ if there is tomorrow my being afraid of future will persist.

i must trust me. invariably i distrust me ~ the creator! i am the puppet made to distrust creator and i undergo nervous breakdown that i am trying to avoid desperately. my length and breadth of my world.

i have known for at last 50 years that i have no option but to be silent and i cannot be. i have to get up late night with a dream or otherwise; and i have to communicate! i cannot wait! nothing is learnt! despite all my knowledge i am ignorant. 50 years did not make me knowledge; 50 reincarnation will not help. my blindness is permanent.

i cannot of course believe any character in mahabharata ever existed that i could touch or perceive. entirely my imagination. however the darkest characters dhritarashtra gandhari shakuni and 100 sons daughter etc. intrigue me. they have a story to tell of distrust. perceptor is perception. fatal attraction!

kandahar a region of afghanistan was known for sculpture and sculptors. gandhari was born afraid of darkness had 100 brothers with superstitious parents birth star good fortune or mangal predicting widowhood! she was selected by celibate almighty uncle for marriage with blind king D. in order to save her widowhood she was married to a goat or tree before marriage with blind! goat or tree died. not to humiliate D. she voluntarily embraces lifelong darkness by blind folding herself. G. was supported by brother shakuni during dark became her constant support after marriage. fatal attraction for each other. blind is supported by blind. D. enraged being married to widow orders death of all members of G. family. 99 siblings and parents. S. is allowed to escape because of G. D and G become parent 101 children all insatiable appetite for more! children of blind parents. when one is not enough 100 too is not enough.

senseless even with all faculties of senses but darkness of mind or intellect ~ the creator is the one and only one truth or absolute creates transients unlimited falses as many and many more

every moment is the same creator but never recognized ~ blindness perpetual! is it not always now?

if this moment is not sufficient for me then my dis satisfaction is perpetual.