krishnan unni

i spent lot of my time of my student nights with krishnan unni. he was two years senior to me and perpetually in debt. he was usually quiet. he had two more classmates iyengar and mohan. he was close to mohan but distant to iyengar. who later became my classmate and colleague for many years. iyengar was good at digital technology. i had my initial computer technology lessons from him. He gave me some assignments that he studied ~ utilities loader error routines bootstraps etc. they were brain teasers. I was successful in solving them and learnt intricacies of computer organizations and recursions and bit manipulations. mohan was a very quiet gentleman; however unni was bit aggressive. mohan and iyengar did not marry but unni married early when he was a research scholar; he was always in financial problems. it was habit with many residing in the hostel to consume cheap thrills marijuana country liquor etc. unni was always part of those parties.

unni all of a sudden stopped smoking marijuana because he did not need to smoke ganja. he said that mere thinking of marijuana he got the same hellucinations. why smoke?

all three mohan unni iyengar died very early. earliest was iyengar who died in his early thirty.

why i remember unni today?

i abstained from all kinds drugs for merriments all my life. i sincerely did not believe in cheating me or anyone else with words deeds and actions. yet i have been bluffing myself all through my life. i was imaginings persons and things and they never ever existed.

i similar to unni needed no intoxication to hallucinate. i must have been intoxicated before i was born. too much marijuana is already in my body and blood. i cannot stop hallucinating. this is the reason i avoided taking therapy medicine or drug of any kind ~ i am afraid that i may perhaps go out of control.

i just waited for my illusion or excitement to die on its own.

no religion no puja no bhakti no love no passion no habit ... less i am already out of control become a public nuisance and responsibility.

i do not know if i am not already one. i, just out of habit now, like to be alone ~ absent.

it is useless for me to remember unni iyengar mohon. they are dead and no information about them is important for me. i know that it is the same for all i have met in my 70 years in this make believe world of mine. those knowledge is quite useless for me. i do not even like to forget. it is not worth the effort or try. i am intelligent enough to know their utter uselessness.

however i mistakenly always regard me as real. the me that i know for 70 years is my hellucination. my bluff to me. this is my suffering. i truly cannot expect any cure from this hellucination of mine.

me

i know for sure that i can do nothing for me. i do not simply exist. i cannot even think me.

thinking about me, i engage in so often and all the time. it is my insanity. i am trying to cure the same.

at the same time, i simply do not like to cure me or even think of any cure or even try.

i am afraid of another illusion of curing my illusion and start chasing something that never exist.

cure, i mean

if there is one single impossible in my world. it is this one ~ me.

everyone everything is possible for me to imagine. and i can do it. i can not only imagine; but see touch and feel with all my senses. i can be witness and claim real and perhaps show to others and get certificates of accomplishment.

i cannot ever imagine me.

i am not my imagination. and it is the only real and i never witnessed me.

i am helpless. i can do nothing about me. i can never show but i have to see.