perspective

I closed my computer and retired to bed with a book on dalai lama

i was feeling for many hours now and my eyelids are heavy with sleep however i may not even go to bed till 5 am and now it is 1am.

obama i do not like particularly
it was lot of wasted resources to make him president while far wiser and better candidate mccain lost because of gwb
i was further annoyed when nobel prize wasted on him
there is endless procession of unworthy nobel peace prize winners before or after him
perhaps all npp winners are always so only exception is dalai lama
dwijen da an elderly man had a different perspective i never looked at till then
he said he may not worthy of nobel peace prize but he gave away his prize money to charity
it was an eye opener for me
no npl gives away his prize money
mother did not dalai lama did not

i buy toys for children to surprize them
i got two toys - tiger's eye and prism cut crystal ball
tiger's eye is only one cm diameter i imagine a tiger face having that eye and complete the face with another similar eye
i can do that but my children cannot
they are just producing some sound
prism cut crystal ball is very interesting for me and gives infinite varieties of emotions in me
this is model of my mind

i get to see all color and hues just directly placing a candle or torch light around the ball from different angle or perspective or distance
same light but so many different dazzles of emotions that i see and all real
are they not like me and my emotions
i get to witness in every moment of my life

fear anger joy lust surprize shame pride hatred love grace envy jealousy ... whatever that i witness in myself so many times at every different moment

the same me but so many explosions of expressions
i am just a static dummy ball transparent and empty and lifeless
i am turning into a such a complex character with so many characteristics
i never possessed or known to have possessed
and i definitely know that i do not possess them
how am i witnessing all these hues and colors and expressions from reflections on empty me

unless there is someone real
reflecting light on me from different angle and perspective and distance
causing the illusions i see

that is the mischief maker
who further presented me the crystal ball
that is my SELF
making a fool of me

i undoubtedly know without a trace of doubt i am dummy that is all and with me always and cunning very cunning with simple twist that makes insanely horrified ashamed and what not causing me so much unbearable pain
i cannot take it joke even after decades
so much of sufferings
why me
i am the only lame duck