fire does not die

as far as i remember that i have tried many times in last 45 years to make my mind empty

all the fences i created around my world could not be contained by my fences
and i got inundated

romantically i wished the return of ganga my mother to quench my thirst for people of my imagination
i wished to create a society a heaven to live among my ideals
here now and after

i created isikolkata that got washed away within two years
i could not live in that hell for long

my relationship becomes so unpleasant and unbearable everytime i start it
love ends in nightmare

i am staying alone among people i don't know
my curiosity remains
my anxiety remains
how are they doing on their own
i know that i have no ability
yet i wish i can help them

i have done with my mother and cremated her in my full consciousness
i wish to break the rule
dead never returns
night after night day after day
i dream her return
i am searching for my home to return

about 6 7 years back when i was suffering from the death of my brother and a recluse
an american friend of mine wished to meet me
he said
you shall meet
and i have not met
i am not at my home
night after night i dream a complete new landscape
i cannot find my home
i am too tired to create another fresh new home

my home i know where my mother lives and waiting for me
i see the door but cannot enter
i am too big to enter
i have too much of luggage

no baggage is allowed in my home
once inside you shall have everything everyone you need
i am told
but i cannot believe
before crossing the threshold
i must be empty and i am not allowed to look back

my fire in me must die and i must not even smoking
i know

long ago in early 70
i saw one night a sudden flare of fire light and a din of voices
someone in the neighborhood flamed herself doused herself in kerosene
i could not go near to see the sight in person

for years i am trying to gather the courage to live in my world unconcerned about me and my people
i removed myself time and again from participating but no sooner i am back among them

my goal remains unachievable

with eyes shut i see people
with none in sight i am among them

mere wishing does not make my wish come true
i am in midst of my garbage
searching my garbage where is the jewel i lost

i am burning but i am unlimited fuel

my home remains a dream