theory

all theories starts with a belief
some theories starts with no belief
they may be called idiots
they are the permanent kind

belief is the mother of all activities including thoughts or thinking and seeing
one cannot see details on moon unless is focused on moon gazing ignoring rest of the world
In the very childhood i was very conscious of my inability to do what I must learn to do
not soiling my bed
i used to dream I remember but put dream filtering automation in place to wake me up i see a dream pattern
predicting future embarrassment avoiding that
Last night after cooking
I was ready to eat but while eating
I was very uncomfortable and sleepy
I retired arm chair and then bed
around half past 4 I got up and completed the cleaning etc
I prepared a cup of tea
i was contemplating something to write to fill my time
topic is theory or thinking
the mother of all theory

thinking is always about future

future though unfolds always in spite or despite my thinking

but I think
I make observations and discover object predicted by me from my thinking
none but me only know for sure
at this moment I am not sure as I type in letters
the object that I am trying to see

before that I would like to self answer
why I write
one is to see me thinking
other is
somebody out there may be reading whatI write
the count is restricted to two automatic reader no matter what I write
they are provider and its crawler
how am I so definite about their existence
I assume without going any further
i know how to count

sometimes my prediction are very unnerving when in near future
i have a body disease that is being manifested but i am trying to hide
in future
i shall lose my automation and become invalid and dependent while not die immediately but make others around me suffer
who in turn will make me miserable
is it not better to terminate me now

here i am making a fundamental assumption
me
who am i

i will not answer this question
since i cannot
it is mother of my thoughts
it is not a thought
it cannot be expressed with my thoughts

i was first time was unnerved by future when I passed my post graduation in isi
had i not studied in isi like my brother before me
it would not have been feasible
i had seen such drop outs during my isi days
financial incapability
intellectual incapability

after graduation i was desperately looking to earn
isi was not interested in me anymore
i had no finance to support me to even buy a postage stamp to apply for job

providence

with perhaps rupees ten in my pocket
i attended a public exam for advanced studies and got selected
it is not merit since isi already decided to pass me off

i was engaged in predicting my future intensely confronted with no future
i even approached people who claim to know future

ever since in many occasion i wished to know my future
may not be so desperately to approach another person
assuming he perhaps knew

after about two hours from now there shall be constant phone calls from recruiters
most of them i shall not pick up
i shall be picking up around ten of them in a day
I attend about 3 interviews in a week
but the criterion i have for my next job is not matching
it must be remote or travel
there must be a definite interest that they are looking for me from my past work and i do not have to  market myself
i know for sure that I can do any IT related assignment hence the reluctance

i have a job offer if i pass stringent background check required for a defense contract
this i refuse to take seriously since i can noway change my background

in theory
i am not employable
what is my financial future
can I indefinitely keep me alive financially
i must not gor statistical observation for predicting
i am no more believer of statistics or mathematics or palmistry

my future depends 100% on me,
the mother who framed my thoughts from the beginning till this moment

the beauty of a theory is it is neither true nor false
one has carefully weave a model where theory is true and prove theorems
that is predicting
theorems are time invariant
always true

on personal level
all faiths are invariably true
hence there is no question of being depressed about it
keep blowing till last breath

however there is something unviewable since it is neither believe nor disbelieve
it is not my thinking and independent of my thinking
the thought emitter that make me live my dream existence and make me see the reality as I please
seeing a blank canvass and imagining an island in the ocean with life without conflict or hardship and abundance and freedom 

it is also my belief what I look like watching me before a mirror
then grow uncomfortable about it
i do not to see that image as me
that me can never be seen was never seen
that only obliged me only to pursue and see whatever I wish to be in my world of imagination
that only is true and not my imagination