hopeless
how to tackle living without hope?
i found from an email chain that Swapan has not recovered from his retina detachment problem. he has to take some medicine and some injection to put off his blindness. I called him up. He was going through many illness in family and death. now he is faced with another younger sister who is faced with leukemia and near his home but about 35 km away. she is widow and has financial issues. he tried to bring her to his home at least it would saved him problem of commuting. his family did not agree. he was also very disappointed with his next generation and found them very selfish and without any family concern. I was not in a position to help him financially. i told him to live without hope for sometime now after my brothers demise. i have withdrawn for my family and not certain that i would not be an obligation in near future. old age disability and death.
i am not confident of me and my ability to confront my world without breaking down my resolve to be independent.
I am unpredictable. the worst is sure to happen. And will happen with probability one.
I asked Swapan about some of my classmates. Shibu I hardly conversed during my first 5 years in ISI. He sat always at a distance from me. Rarely conversed. he sat first row left column rightmost corner. just in front facing teacher. mine was usually last row right most seat near the windows to look out when I was bored. I absented myself from at least 50% classes while Shibu missed none. He was not mixing kind his nearest friends were day-scholars like him Sanjivan and Gautam and Swapan, who was sometimes so. Swapan said he came to know recently that Shibu has a daughter who is physically handicapped. Sastry sent some photographs of Chawla in his office IMI. I asked Swapan, if he is not retired. Swapan said that he is retired but he visits institutes everyday and also takes classes. He has problems at home although it belongs to him. he lives with his sister in law. Chawla had some problem in walking when he was in ISI. He moves around in wheel chair more than four decades. Swapan appreciated Chawala's spirited approach towards his life. Another very touching thing he said about Shibu's daughter, he referred to her as our daughter and observed that Shibu should not isolate himself from us because of her.
am I prepared for my hopeless situation, I keep asking myself? How can I test out my silence to no matter what? i know there is no testing sand box. this has to be real test. test bed being now. I cannot resort to walking or shutting myself in sound proof air condition black hole or occupied with film activity or book or activity
but i must be absent always all place all situation in the midst of people. i must perceive my loss in person without complaining or blaming now; perceiving loss of my world now as is.
in the mist of the world - i must observe my absence here and now.
one moment and this moment.
[when I know it is hopeless]
I cannot be irrational and expect. I have to restrict my experiment to this moment only.
I must observe my ability to remain prefect hands off and maintain pin drop breathless silence with all my senses open and perceiving, here and now.
i found from an email chain that Swapan has not recovered from his retina detachment problem. he has to take some medicine and some injection to put off his blindness. I called him up. He was going through many illness in family and death. now he is faced with another younger sister who is faced with leukemia and near his home but about 35 km away. she is widow and has financial issues. he tried to bring her to his home at least it would saved him problem of commuting. his family did not agree. he was also very disappointed with his next generation and found them very selfish and without any family concern. I was not in a position to help him financially. i told him to live without hope for sometime now after my brothers demise. i have withdrawn for my family and not certain that i would not be an obligation in near future. old age disability and death.
i am not confident of me and my ability to confront my world without breaking down my resolve to be independent.
I am unpredictable. the worst is sure to happen. And will happen with probability one.
I asked Swapan about some of my classmates. Shibu I hardly conversed during my first 5 years in ISI. He sat always at a distance from me. Rarely conversed. he sat first row left column rightmost corner. just in front facing teacher. mine was usually last row right most seat near the windows to look out when I was bored. I absented myself from at least 50% classes while Shibu missed none. He was not mixing kind his nearest friends were day-scholars like him Sanjivan and Gautam and Swapan, who was sometimes so. Swapan said he came to know recently that Shibu has a daughter who is physically handicapped. Sastry sent some photographs of Chawla in his office IMI. I asked Swapan, if he is not retired. Swapan said that he is retired but he visits institutes everyday and also takes classes. He has problems at home although it belongs to him. he lives with his sister in law. Chawla had some problem in walking when he was in ISI. He moves around in wheel chair more than four decades. Swapan appreciated Chawala's spirited approach towards his life. Another very touching thing he said about Shibu's daughter, he referred to her as our daughter and observed that Shibu should not isolate himself from us because of her.
am I prepared for my hopeless situation, I keep asking myself? How can I test out my silence to no matter what? i know there is no testing sand box. this has to be real test. test bed being now. I cannot resort to walking or shutting myself in sound proof air condition black hole or occupied with film activity or book or activity
but i must be absent always all place all situation in the midst of people. i must perceive my loss in person without complaining or blaming now; perceiving loss of my world now as is.
in the mist of the world - i must observe my absence here and now.
one moment and this moment.
[when I know it is hopeless]
I cannot be irrational and expect. I have to restrict my experiment to this moment only.
I must observe my ability to remain prefect hands off and maintain pin drop breathless silence with all my senses open and perceiving, here and now.
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