no topic nothing in particular
Suppose I promise myself and keep the promise for all time to come that I am not going to open any email or mail from now onwards. never again.
What is the outcome? What is anybody's reaction? Does anyone find out?
I would not know who all is trying to inform and what. who still think I am live and kicking. A part of my world significantly closes for me. I cannot speculate. Do all these communication matter?
Am I wise or fool?
What happens I stop reading News from now on? Lot of stress on my brain for thinking about the status of my world shall not be thought. As a resident on my world I shall remain resident in an island with open sky with no possibilities and no waves!
I pay about $150 every month for medical benefits that I have not availed and in my conscious choice I would not avail my last serious visit was in 1977 when I was having fever three times day. My Body without any medicine has to live and adjust accordingly unless I lose consciousness. And I am found out.
My son damaged my car and I thought I could repair and restore the same. Off and on I spent about 4 hours on this in last three months. However I thought about it for many hours. Suppose I never look at my car. How much I shall save time and efforts?
I devote my intellect in optimizing my comfort. One way I do that building My Fence. Fence building is horribly expensive. It is very tiring. I have to look at many hours at myself. Pick faults and repair. We have the current president who spends Tweeting about 7 hours daily defending himself.
My world is rooted to revolving earth without my choice. Despite all my thinking, my world is monolith and independent of me. I may draw on it Me, my home, my world with lot of imaginative descriptions my drawings do not scratch the surface nor it is visible ordinarily. I have to fetch from disappearing traces from my memory to get some hazy picture of what was me. It is difficult to believe and keep believing me that is changing; further it is difficult to defend me with a fence. I cannot even hold a hypothetical dialog with any person for even 5 sentences. I give up. Me disappears completely.
It is very difficult to continue as I am. I am never. I am not.
Only a few weeks back, I used to spend about two hours in talking with my acquaintances in India. In last two months I talked about 15 minutes (with Uttam) whom I have met last in 1972. He was talking to me about one hindi film maker Vishal Bharadwaj. I spent last two days seeing two films by him; but that was enough. Whoever wished to see such distorted vision of anyone's life - it is poisonous. I could not digest and found me awake at night.
I, of course, do not wish my world that suffocating and painful. As it is I have lot of pain to digest without consuming any pain killer or pain healers. I definitely do not wish to be in touching seeing or listening people who are suffering. I do not wish to cure them from their habit. Unless they cure themselves. Am I cure for them?
I do not know how much of a cure I am for my family. They are still their vain self.
I found optimizing 'buying' is lot of relief. As a result, I buy my food on daily basis. I buy two fruits for two days. I cook my meals twice a day. I buy usually just one item to cook. I do not pick up phone before 12 PM Noon. I do not pick up my home phone. I view the messages once in two days. I do not compromise when I talk to any person about employment. I tell him first I am only available for remote and occasional travel and not full time. My hourly rate is $100.
This eliminates lot of noise and lot of search and time. If anyone progresses further, I tell them I am not available for TCS Accenture or IBM. If there is some more query, I ask them who is the end client. I have a list of Companies who cannot afford me - JPMC GE Ford AETNA PNC WELLS FARGO ... Then I tell them 'My Clients Usually Are Them who has already had couple of failures and no longer interested in failing or experimenting'.
Interview is experience. When the interviewer appears to be interested in my experience, I start telling them I had 7 years of university studies and 44 years in IT software and infrastructure alone. When I find any doubting interviewer, I reciprocate by repeating me or him. I never fail to end the conversation immediately.
100 out of 100 Indians are fraud. When I become a mirror. They see the monster that they are.
Today I went to library and found some Bengali books and picked up 6 DVD of Anthony Quinn. Another Anthony I knew committed suicide in July or August. I have already viewed PARTS UNKNOWN. He was long suffering from Stress disorder. Yesterday I read an article by one his assistant. Praising him as a very good boss. Usually they are since they honestly face their own defects, they do not call any one defective. I missed one DVD to pick up. I went to a librarian and asked if I donate Bengali books would she take. I am running out of space on bookshelves. She said gladly and with a THANK YOU note. Next time I go there I shall take my first batch of 20 and test out their reaction. Next, I shall ask then if she would accept technical books. English Fictions?
I am accustomed to living within house and room. I enjoy sometimes walking alone in the wilderness. I do not do it here. There are too many pet lovers. Weather too is not very conducive. I have come to realize that best home is without rooftop weather permitting. Where I am assured of seeing sky - open wide no expectation no people no pollution.
I am learning to put off doing indefinitely for my next stint, after birth. I have shifted my fence making exercise after this life. I imagine myself not imagining.
I have some more planned repair work. Fixing the Gate I broke yesterday.
Nothing is new. All is forever old. Nothing to learn. I have reasons to be angry about ai ml NLP and knowledge or learning. Long back I read Siddhartha. I saw the film too. I cannot say boldly about my learning. All is self composed delusion of happiness. My happiness is my unhappiness. My bitterness of living my life. I desire now to leave my future for my next life. I learnt like parrot that I am eternal. I may not the meaning. It is so old and used and abused. There are two options. I have future. I have birth again. I have no birth and no future. If I have a fresh start, let that be totally fresh without words memories dharma or fruits of my karma. I postpone all my desirables for my next birth. I can only digest unfulfilled wish in this life. So that I have no regrets as Karna phol in my next birth. My dharma I wish that be idiot without any learning ability. I have wasted my this life in pursuit of knowledge and assuming my intelligence would enable me to make a better world.
What is the outcome? What is anybody's reaction? Does anyone find out?
I would not know who all is trying to inform and what. who still think I am live and kicking. A part of my world significantly closes for me. I cannot speculate. Do all these communication matter?
Am I wise or fool?
What happens I stop reading News from now on? Lot of stress on my brain for thinking about the status of my world shall not be thought. As a resident on my world I shall remain resident in an island with open sky with no possibilities and no waves!
I pay about $150 every month for medical benefits that I have not availed and in my conscious choice I would not avail my last serious visit was in 1977 when I was having fever three times day. My Body without any medicine has to live and adjust accordingly unless I lose consciousness. And I am found out.
My son damaged my car and I thought I could repair and restore the same. Off and on I spent about 4 hours on this in last three months. However I thought about it for many hours. Suppose I never look at my car. How much I shall save time and efforts?
I devote my intellect in optimizing my comfort. One way I do that building My Fence. Fence building is horribly expensive. It is very tiring. I have to look at many hours at myself. Pick faults and repair. We have the current president who spends Tweeting about 7 hours daily defending himself.
My world is rooted to revolving earth without my choice. Despite all my thinking, my world is monolith and independent of me. I may draw on it Me, my home, my world with lot of imaginative descriptions my drawings do not scratch the surface nor it is visible ordinarily. I have to fetch from disappearing traces from my memory to get some hazy picture of what was me. It is difficult to believe and keep believing me that is changing; further it is difficult to defend me with a fence. I cannot even hold a hypothetical dialog with any person for even 5 sentences. I give up. Me disappears completely.
It is very difficult to continue as I am. I am never. I am not.
Only a few weeks back, I used to spend about two hours in talking with my acquaintances in India. In last two months I talked about 15 minutes (with Uttam) whom I have met last in 1972. He was talking to me about one hindi film maker Vishal Bharadwaj. I spent last two days seeing two films by him; but that was enough. Whoever wished to see such distorted vision of anyone's life - it is poisonous. I could not digest and found me awake at night.
I, of course, do not wish my world that suffocating and painful. As it is I have lot of pain to digest without consuming any pain killer or pain healers. I definitely do not wish to be in touching seeing or listening people who are suffering. I do not wish to cure them from their habit. Unless they cure themselves. Am I cure for them?
I do not know how much of a cure I am for my family. They are still their vain self.
I found optimizing 'buying' is lot of relief. As a result, I buy my food on daily basis. I buy two fruits for two days. I cook my meals twice a day. I buy usually just one item to cook. I do not pick up phone before 12 PM Noon. I do not pick up my home phone. I view the messages once in two days. I do not compromise when I talk to any person about employment. I tell him first I am only available for remote and occasional travel and not full time. My hourly rate is $100.
This eliminates lot of noise and lot of search and time. If anyone progresses further, I tell them I am not available for TCS Accenture or IBM. If there is some more query, I ask them who is the end client. I have a list of Companies who cannot afford me - JPMC GE Ford AETNA PNC WELLS FARGO ... Then I tell them 'My Clients Usually Are Them who has already had couple of failures and no longer interested in failing or experimenting'.
Interview is experience. When the interviewer appears to be interested in my experience, I start telling them I had 7 years of university studies and 44 years in IT software and infrastructure alone. When I find any doubting interviewer, I reciprocate by repeating me or him. I never fail to end the conversation immediately.
100 out of 100 Indians are fraud. When I become a mirror. They see the monster that they are.
Today I went to library and found some Bengali books and picked up 6 DVD of Anthony Quinn. Another Anthony I knew committed suicide in July or August. I have already viewed PARTS UNKNOWN. He was long suffering from Stress disorder. Yesterday I read an article by one his assistant. Praising him as a very good boss. Usually they are since they honestly face their own defects, they do not call any one defective. I missed one DVD to pick up. I went to a librarian and asked if I donate Bengali books would she take. I am running out of space on bookshelves. She said gladly and with a THANK YOU note. Next time I go there I shall take my first batch of 20 and test out their reaction. Next, I shall ask then if she would accept technical books. English Fictions?
I am accustomed to living within house and room. I enjoy sometimes walking alone in the wilderness. I do not do it here. There are too many pet lovers. Weather too is not very conducive. I have come to realize that best home is without rooftop weather permitting. Where I am assured of seeing sky - open wide no expectation no people no pollution.
I am learning to put off doing indefinitely for my next stint, after birth. I have shifted my fence making exercise after this life. I imagine myself not imagining.
I have some more planned repair work. Fixing the Gate I broke yesterday.
Nothing is new. All is forever old. Nothing to learn. I have reasons to be angry about ai ml NLP and knowledge or learning. Long back I read Siddhartha. I saw the film too. I cannot say boldly about my learning. All is self composed delusion of happiness. My happiness is my unhappiness. My bitterness of living my life. I desire now to leave my future for my next life. I learnt like parrot that I am eternal. I may not the meaning. It is so old and used and abused. There are two options. I have future. I have birth again. I have no birth and no future. If I have a fresh start, let that be totally fresh without words memories dharma or fruits of my karma. I postpone all my desirables for my next birth. I can only digest unfulfilled wish in this life. So that I have no regrets as Karna phol in my next birth. My dharma I wish that be idiot without any learning ability. I have wasted my this life in pursuit of knowledge and assuming my intelligence would enable me to make a better world.
I could not even to scratch the reality. Illusion is ever and never ending. I am tired of sleeping. I am tired of dreaming. I am tired of thinking
I cannot eat away my eternal future. If I cannot avoid future I wish that be postponed to my next life.
I am tired of eating my future. I am able to postpone my future desirable for next birth but I have swallow undesirables just now. what all is thinking about me. My own thought. I cannot hide from. My karna phol. My own arrow has penetrated my heart permanently. I have to bear the pain every moment of this life.
I have no cure.
Comments
Post a Comment